A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im 20. He's 21.We are in a long distance "relationship" (I use inverted commas because it isn't at the boyfriend/girlfriend stage yet. We are exclusively dating/seeing each other, but it isn't official, we're progressing to the relationship stage slowly.)Anyways, to brief things up, things are good between us, obviously we have our rough times, there's many differences between us, we are very different people and our personalities are opposite.Now, we have been speaking for 5 months in total. We met in person (last week of December) I was just visiting a friend near him so I had to go back to my own city and we kept in contact. In the beginning it was just friendly/flirty. We would chat all the time but we didn't actually "like" each other, we just fancied each other and loved to chat. But 2 months in, after having constant daily contact, we had both established that we actually liked each other. It was still very light. We knew we were beginning to like each other but there were no obligations to only talk to each other. (If this had not been long distance, I'm guessing this would be referred to as the dating stage, where we would be allowed to see and speak to other people.)But by the beginning of the third month, he had made it clear that he did not want to 'get to know' or date other females, and that I was top priority, and I felt the same way towards him.During the beginning though, he was more 'open', not about his personal life but in terms of showing a liking and interest towards me, he would be verbally affectionate (not all the time, but once in a while) and this made me feel good, it made me feel wanted. He used to compliment me from time to time, but all of that has completely stopped now.In the last two months, all the interest and affection he had towards me has died down, it's there but it's very very minimal. Before, he was very sweet with his words, nice, showed his soft side, he would just show that he cared. Now, everything is a joke. If I say something sweet, he'll respond with a joke. If I compliment him (e.g. You're looking handsome" he will make a cocky joke and say something like "Aren't I just haha") I feel like I'm the only one that cares and likes him now, I don't feel the same reciprocation back.I spoke to him about this yesterday, I explained that verbal affection is important, especially in long distance because if you're not seeing each other often then the physical aspect isn't there and it needs to be shown in words. I told him I feel like a friend to him, he didn't really seem to understand where I was coming from, I mentioned that he was more open with his feelings previously, he used to pay me compliments and that made me feel good (I don't need to hear them all the time, but he doesn't give me any at all anymore)I'm still expressive towards him, I have made it clear that I like him, I give him small compliments here and there, I treat him like a guy I like, etc. I'm not just sitting here expecting it, I give back just as much and I don't need to be TOLD that I'm liked, I simply want to be TREATED like I am. If I'm treated like a friend, then of course, I'm going to feel like one, and that's hurtful at times.This was all getting to me and it reached the point of me having to tell him about it. When I explained everything, he said... "I'm not an open person and I can't just hurdle over and be different, it's not me. I used to be open, but that's all changed. If I say I like you and give you the time of day then that's what it is, it's hard for me to express it over and over again in words. The fact that I tried and attempted to be like that previously should mean something, but it's so unnatural to me I just couldn't keep up with it and I'll just slip back into making jokes cause that's just who I am. If I'm with a person I like, then you'll see the difference, but if I'm with someone I'm not particularly interested in, my energy levels will be lower. As for the compliments, I hardly give them out. So if I've done so before, just know that they stay existent for as long as we speak, because I don't hand them out like candy, simply because it taps into my annoyance of me being repetitive and saying the same thing again and again."Obviously that talk did not really solve any issues, we had to agree to disagree. He did not say he would make more of an effort to be verbally expressive of his feelings (I don't need it ALL the time, just once in a while to show affection) and he didn't mention anything about trying to give more compliments when he can or treating me like he likes me (again, this is not something that will take up his time or harm him in any way)We have not spoken since we had this conversation, which was yesterday morning. I'm not fussed about that, I'm still trying to collect my thoughts on it because I don't want to be annoyed when I speak to him again and I know I'm still not "okay" since we had that conversation. But I don't want to make any hasty decisions.Everyone has their flaws and differences. I have invested five months of my time into him to just throw it away now, also I am seeing him again (for the 2nd time) in just over a week, the last thing I want to do is throw away what we have before I spend time with him properly as he will be staying with me for two days (one night).I'm thinking that I should emotionally distant myself a little bit so that I don't get hurt. Cut down the compliments and signs of affection, because when I do it and he responds back in a jokey manner, the more I feel like I'm the only one making an effort to express my feelings. So if I cut it down a bit, that may help. Am I overreacting with this feeling? What would you do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 May 2013):
 I am not sure how you can be exclusive and NOT be boyfriend and girlfriend but then I’m old and often confused at how young folks date nowadays.
He’s made it clear he’s NOT the man you NEED him to be or WANT him to be. That what you see is what you get. That the first few months he was on his best behavior to get your attention and win your heart… now he has you and he will no longer go above and beyond the bare minimum. YOU have to decide what to do.
Five months’ time is NOTHING. Do not stay with a man that cannot meet your needs just because of time invested.
A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (5 May 2013):
 The thing is... when women say that they want more verbal affection, it's a two-edged sword. There's a thing that happens in the subconscious of women, that appears to be out of their control Us guys give you what you want, and then your subconscious sees it as weakness, and it starts to have a serious affect on the relationship. We're don't do it because we're trying to keep the relationship together. If we start being open about our feelings, you'll secretly start to resent us for it, because part of you will always see it as weak. If you tell him you like him, most likely, he's wondering in what way, because that can mean almost anything. At the same time, if he's treating you as just a friend, he may just feel that way...
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