A
female
age
36-40,
*abb88
writes:So, I'm happily in love with a very sweet guy and we've been dating for 6 months. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him, and there's nothing that I want more than that. Despite all of the good times we have, there is this one massive problem that we can't seem to compromise over. No matter how much I try to explain to him how important it is to me, he can't seem to understand.It all started when he mentioned to me that a good friend of his will be returning from Iraq in June and they plan on going to a strip club in celebration of his return. Although I must admit, I didn't agree with this AT ALL... but eventually we came to a consensus on this situation. I understand its a male bonding thing, and I'll be attending along with everyone elses' wives/girlfriends. I'm sure there will be no temptation to misbehave. But ever since then, he has been basically throwing in my face the fact that he finds other girls attractive. And around certain friends I feel a little uncomfortable because I believe that he has conveyed a sense "my man's on a leash" syndrome. Anyhow, I'm not sure what to do. We've been having problems about this on and off for awhile now. And I don't know what to do to put an end to it. I know that if we can't put this behind us, then there will be a huge possiblity that it'll put an end to our entire relationship. And I really really love/care about him, and I know that he really loves/cares about me... Please Help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (22 April 2009):
 Well the problem here is that you started this whole thing off by having a problem with the strip club, therefore from that moment he will have felt that you dont trust him and are trying to control his life.
Now I know this is not true and I guess you have your own personal reasons for not liking strip clubs. But many women make this mistake - what is so bad about strip clubs? The men are only allowed to look and not touch! The women are fantasy figures for the men, pretty much the closest a guy is ever going to get to a porn star type woman!
But that aside, your boyfriend has now got the problem and his behaviour is not acceptable. I think you both need to sit down and have a serious talk about this. You need to apologise over the strip club thing, explain your reason for why you were not happy about him going (and then tell him you were being irrational - even if you still hold on to your old beliefs just pretend you are ok with it. relationships are all about compromise!). Once you have apologised you then need to ask him why he keeps talking about women the way he does in front of you and explain it makes you feel uncomfortable. Tell him that sort of talk is reserved for his boys nights out rather than in front of you.
He is not being respectful towards you and your feelings so you need to make this clear, I am guessing he is only doing this to try and re-assert his power over you. This is one big power struggle between you - you dont like some elements of his life (i.e. going to strip clubs) so he sees it as you are trying to change him and stop him doing the things he likes. So now he wants the power back from you therefore he is pushing you to your limits with this talk about other women. He is trying to show you that he can do what he likes and talk in whatever manner he likes.
But I am pretty certain that once you explain he is going to lose you if he carries on this way he will want to try and work on this for you. Especially if you do apologise over the strip club thing he will be more willing to try and work on what he is doing wrong. Men hate to be wrong but they love to see women admit they were wrong, so if you do apologise this will give him a bit of a power rush and will also make him feel a bit sorry for you, therefore he will more than likely apologise too.
You are going to have to take a hit to your pride here if you want to make this work, and you are going to have to stand down on your morals/principles. If you are willing to do this then you can work this out. If you feel you would be comprimising yourself by apologising then maybe you are just going to have to accept that this relationship may never change. But talk to him - make him see how much he is hurting you with his behaviour. If he loves you as much as you think he does then he will want to work things out too.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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