A
female
age
51-59,
*assister
writes:He is all about pleasing me when we make love, and he even cried the last time, but then he told me he doesn't care about me, that I'm not on him mind and he doesan't miss me when we are apart. Then he frets that my car is too small and I'll get hurt or killed in an accident and he tells me all he wants is to make my happy. Then he tells me he has no feelings for me. I asked him if he wants me to go away and he gets all upset, cries "no" and can't stop holding me. What's going on?! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): You don't have to understand why, you only need to accept it. Why, because he either has emotional problems that need treatment, either is deliberately playing these games as a bad person. The fact is it's bringing you down, and you can't live in peace with this type of behaviour, so you're entitled to rebuild a new, tranquil life, absolutely. I suggest you to try and cut down all resorts of communication, because the moment you will surrender to his begs he'll become the "other" person. All you can do for him is suggest him to visit a specialist, if it's psychological, and for you - to be firm in your decision. All the best.
A
female
reader, Sassister +, writes (19 September 2007):
Sassister is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've often wondered if he was playing some kind of control game with me. He's a professional contract negotiator and some of the things he does I have called him on as being tricks of his trade. But the highly emotionally charged mixed messages he gives me, usually right after we make love, are beginning to drive me nuts. They're beginning to depress me too. I just don't understand why he freaks out whenever I make a move to pull back emotionally or physically. Why bother playing stupid games if they are going to drive me away? Of course I've wondered if he has some emotional problems too, but I can't fix him. I tried to break up and he began pursuing again.......
The man spent the first six months pursuing me like crazy and he didn't start this behavior until I told him I loved him. He had told me twice before, but won't admit to it now. After I told him I loved him, he disappeared for three weeks. After I left him a voice mail saying that he apparently had ended the relationship but that I needed closure and that I thought he was cruel and a coward, he started pursuing again. After we worked that out, he started the weird mixed message behavior. He never has been anything close to violent to me and he has never called me any names or said I was stupid or anything. He just tells me he has no feelings for me and that I'm not on his mind when we are apart. But he remembers everything I tell him and can quote from my emails even though he told me he doesn't read them. I stopped sending those also this week.
I also had a pregnancy scare, and he was pleased to think I was pregnant! Thank God I'm not!
I need to move on, but he's the first guy I really fell for in years of being a single mother. I just don't understand why he would treat me like this. And it is painful - more painful than going through my divorce. That I don't understand either!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): Maybe he has been bluntly hurt in the past and has sworn he won't be attached again, or maybe he was always predisposed to act so, maybe he projects his hatrid of himself onto the others. Independently of what caused his problems, you are dealing with a very, very unstable man, with the possibility of deep psychological problems, whose behaviour is very worrying. A healthy, stable man doesn't manifest this way, has he ever been violent, too? Consider telling him to seek some medical help, perhaps you're even exposing yourself too much being alone with him. It's clearly signs of imbalance, anxiousness, and who knows what other deep problems stemming from past untreated issues. He should get some assistance, what does his family say? Don't stay, you should be protecting yourself from his contradictory tendencies.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): Oh god. This guy is playing games with you in order to control you. He gives you a little bit of attention and love and then retracts it. It is a tactic to control you. Please don't be that girl who puts up with this abuse anymore. Next time he tells you that he doesn't love you be like "ok dear. Well that is unfortunate because I thought that we got along good. But no problem. Well take really good care of yourself and I wish you all the best. Ciao!" Act like you couldn't give a shit! Play his game right back. And when he calls to make sure you are ok, don't answer. And move on. Get this loser out of your life. He sucks.
And please do move on. And stop asking him how he feels about you. In any case tell him how you feel about him. Tell him that you are not going to play his game anymore. But DO NOT show this guy that you care. That's what he wants. That is what keeps him in control.
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