A
female
age
51-59,
*C003
writes:Hi,I have been dating a great guy for a couple of weeks now. Enjoyed just really being together, he didn't even kiss me until our 3rd date, and it was well worth the wait! On our 4th date, dinner at my place, we kissed a lot and were a little intimate. On our 5th date we went to dinner then back to my place for more kissing and a little more fooling around. There is definitely a connection.Our 5th date was last Mon. He had a really, really busy week at work so we didn't talk a whole lot, just a few messages here and there. I kind of sensed things were a little different. On Thursday he sent me a message saying that as much fun as Monday night was, what did I think of keeping things public until we can behave ourselves better, I said sure.I was, and still am for that matter, feeling bad, like I did something wrong. We talked last night, well I did most of the talking. All he said was that he felt guilty for having fun since it is so early in the relationship, he freaked out, and "I don't know". The "I don't know" part came when I asked him what he wanted, if he still wants to see me. He says he "really likes me" and I know I really like him. I don't have to have "that initmacy" right now, I told him I wasn't just looking for a physical relationship, that I want something real. He said he would call me tonight. I'm just curious if anybody has ever experienced something like this before and if you think he may give us a chance? I know only he can answer that, but...
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female
reader, TC003 +, writes (25 May 2009):
TC003 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey ladies, thanks for all the feedback, you all hit on a few really good points.
The whole seeing somebody else has definitely been one of the reasons I have thought about, which is okay since clearly we are not exclusive after only 2+ weeks of seeing each other.
Me being aggressive in private, I wasn't the one who started things.
He is not a religious man, but I do think he may be struggling with something.
I'm more than happy to slow things down to really establish if we have something here, but we may never know...he never called back yeaterday.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): I agree with the woman who replied anonymously and said that things sound a little fishy. I dated a guy who pulled the exact same thing and it turned out to be nothing but manipulation on his part. He pulls back, but couches it in a way that makes him seem upstanding....when things do happen, and they will, it will seem all the more important to you b/c he wanted to wait. It doesn't mean that he is all that into you, but gets a high off the emotional connection that his so called sensitivity and kindness will create in you.He is likely sleeping with someone else, or trying to decide where things will go with this other person. The fact that he is saying that he doesn't know what he wants or where things will go is also telling. He's hoping that you are going to think/believe that there is an emotional connection there, and that you are in a relationship even if he is reluctant to call it/label it as such. In reality, he is having the best of both worlds, emotional and physical intimacy without having to commit. The worst thing about guys who do this, is they have patience and are willing to do the 5 dates or a month to create the illusion. What they fail to realize or don't care about it the hurt and destruction that they cause when the truth comes out, b/c it always will. I may be wrong about this, and he may be a guy who is really trying to do right by you. However, from what I read, this is right out of the play book, and unfortunately I have experienced it first hand. Best of luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): I agree with the woman who replied anonymously and said that things sound a little fishy. I dated a guy who pulled the exact same thing and it turned out to be nothing but manipulation on his part. He pulls back, but couches it in a way that makes him seem upstanding....when things do happen, and they will, it will seem all the more important to you b/c he wanted to wait. It doesn't mean that he is all that into you, but gets a high off the emotional connection that his so called sensitivity and kindness will create in you. He is likely sleeping with someone else, or trying to decide where things will go with this other person. The fact that he is saying that he doesn't know what he wants or where things will go is also telling. He's hoping that you are going to think/believe that there is an emotional connection there, and that you are in a relationship even if he is reluctant to call it/label it as such. In reality, he is having the best of both worlds, emotional and physical intimacy without having to commit. I may be wrong about this, and he may be a guy who is really trying to do right by you. However, from what I read, this is right out of the play book, and unfortunately I have experienced it first hand. Best of luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): What he met by keeping it public is that he feels uncomfortable being at your home and making out and having it lead to sexual intimacy too soon....he does feel pressured by that because that would be taking it to the next level and he isn't sure you aren't some sort of clingy stalking desperate woman.....he doesn't seem to think so, but he is being cautious and that is OK.
I wouldn't ask him where he thinks things are going. Dating is supposed to be fun, just get to know him and enjoy his company as a friend first, a friend that you are attracted too....don't call him for awhile, let him make all of the phone calls, a lot of times men are afraid you are going to step into the girlfriend role before they want you to do so.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (25 May 2009):
 He likes you but he feels you are pressuring him too much. It's normal to still be feeling each other out after a couple of weeks. The "public" comment is a bit weird, but perhaps he felt that you were coming on too strong when you were alone.
Step back a bit and enjoy simply dating. If you're still seeing each other in two months, have a talk about a serious relationship then. Don't push it or you won't have a relationship with him at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): The whole thing sounds kind of weird culturally. I actually appreciate a guy who takes it slow, but his label of: "public" wtf is that?Three things: 1. Another woman, or: 2. Some hard edged cult-like religion or belief set that he inwardly struggles with, or: 3. He genuinely actually really believes what he's saying it is. The problem with item 3 is you are instinctively troubled with it, and that's a bad sign. For, if it were natural and normal for BOTH of you to peg the relationship the way he has, then you wouldn't be here asking about it.Just my opinion.So, I say call him on everything, and get it all in the open. Talk it out and get on the same page.
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A
female
reader, TC003 +, writes (25 May 2009):
TC003 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you R&B. I do feel very lucky and flattered and I want to believe that he wants a serious relationship like I do, I was believing this up until the conversation last night. The fact that he couldn't just come out and say "yes" to continuing to see me?
T
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): Well you have made it to the fifth date, well I would say he is interested. He is one of those guys who doesn't want sex to get in the way of a great relationship, and he wants to respect you by getting to know you first....I think that is a good thing and you should be flattered that he is trying to take things in that direction...it is unusual, but I think he seems like he is thinking seriously about you...it is too early to tell, so let him set the pace or think he is setting the pace.
I don't see anything here to worry about, do you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): It's too soon really for either of you to make a decision about a relationship yet. I think he may have felt that things were going too fast or that you were already thinking the two of you were an "item" and he wasn't ready for that which is understandable. You are coming on a little heavy stating you are looking for something real and then wanting to know where things stood, that's too much pressure for only a few dates and it scared him off. Try not to steamroll the guy and just enjoy dating and getting to know him. Stop asking what he wants and other insecure, pressuring questions like that, it will get you nowhere. I understand it's exciting to meet someone you like but slowww dowwwnnn.....He shouldn't be the center of your universe yet and you need to keep a balance of friends and hobbies so when you do date, the guy doesn't feel as if you are moving in for the kill.
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