A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this lovely man for around 9 months, and have been sleeping with him for a year. The problem is, our sex life seems to have completely died - just before Christmas. We've only had sex once since the end of January. He keeps telling me I need to initiate things, to seduce him. I've tried - I keep trying! I set up a romantic evening on valentines day - I cooked, bought silk bedding, bought sexy lingerie - only for him to come back at 2.30 in the morning too tired to do anything.I've tried being spontaneous - from initiating sex when we're curled up together in the evening (to which he told me it felt weird and to stop) to morning sex (which he just tends to ignore and tell me it's time to get up) and a host of ways in between. I've even tried being blunt and asking him for sex. Nothing works.I'm upset and frustrated, and I'm worried that this is the beginning of the end for us.He wants to be seduced, but makes no move to seduce me.I know he cheated on his previous girl frend, and I know he used to use internet dating sites - we both did before we got together. I'm worried he's cheating on me.On top of this, we're both about to finish our third year of university - he says the stress is not helping our lack of sex life, which I can understand, but I mainly worry that he's just waiting until after our final hand-in to break it to me that he's not interested in me anymore.With work as well, we have very little alone-time. Between work and University, there are no days that we both completely have off. Out of the two night a week we can spend completely together, he chooses to go out with the guys one night, and the other - which we tried turning into date night, has just become an excuse for him to fob the responsibilities of the night off on me. Every week, he says I have to come up with something for us to do. It's not fun or romantic, and it didnt last as now he happily organizes other things for him to do on a Wednesday.I know I don't have the best confidence either, I just really don't know what to do anymore. Do I try and seduce him again? Do I wait for him to make the first move? Or am I deluding myself, trying to hold on to something that's not there?We're both young - I'm in my early 20s, he's in his late 20s, so I doubt it's a physical thing.Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (11 April 2011):
This guy is insecure sexually, or he is scared of intimacy. When he starts to get close to someone and has to face it, and especially when he is under pressure in other parts of his life, it becomes easier to direct his anxiety elsewhere. In his previous relationship, he cheated. In this relationship with you, he is making it out like everything is your fault, and your responsibility. He is telling you it is up to you to seduce him, but why isn't he seducing you? Why do you have to be the one to seduce him? Why do you have to be the one who has to plan date night. He has you running after him and jumping through hoops, but he isn't making any effort of his own. What is he doing to make the relationship better? Or to make you feel more secure or loved in the relationship? I would try talking to him about this and see what he says. It is hard to be intimate when you aren't close, and you guys sound like you are a million miles away. If you are, and he isn't prepared to make any moves to become close to you, by creating time to be with you and just talk, hang out, and have fun, it isn't going to help you to chase him to try create closeness. Have a conversation about it, his response to that conversation is what will tell you if you have something worth fighting for, and if he is prepared to fight for your relationship with you as your ally.Good luck.
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