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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for almost a year. We have had our ups and downs and he doesnt know how to communicate very well. I have an anxiety personality so when I don't hear from him after an argument it trips a trigger I have and I send him excessive text messages trying to fix things. He is aware of this trigger.Recently we started discussing a threesome with one of his closest friends. It took me a while but I warmed up to the idea of it because I wantedto fulfill his fantasy. At some point, he sensed that I wasn't really comfortable with the idea so he said the he didn't want to any longer.I wanted to understand and see if he was serious about not wanting it any longer bc I felt bad. He took my asking as me really wanting to sleep with another man and got really angry with me. All of this conversation happened over text. I tried to explain to him that he misunderstood why I was asking and he went on to tell me that I should enable my dating profile again and go sleep with someone else and quit playing games with him. Now he wont respond to me and won't talk about it. Of course, his lack of response has tripped my anxiety trigger and all I want him to do is to talk too me. I sent him pics of our text messages of where I think our miscommunication occurred and he hasn't responded.I have repeatedly told him that I didn't want the threesome in the first place and that I only wanted him. He says that I was set on having a threesome and that I have brought it up SEVERAL times. He has always been the one to bring it up and I was only set on having it because he told me he wanted it. I only wanted him to be happy and that because I loved him I wanted to fulfill his fantasy. I didn't want him to want to share me and he has turned it around on me that since I have brought the subject up numerous times that I must want to sleep with others. This is completely false!!I don't know what to do. Should I leave him alone and let him think things over? I don't see why our relationship would end over such a HUGE misunderstanding.[Mod note: flag would be USA]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2014): I am the OP
I need to clarify that I have NOT brought up the threesome on several occasions. I have avoided the topic all together in hopes that he would forget it. This all started over a friendly wager on a football game. I won the wager and have yet to receive my prize and his idea for his prize has become the topic since this game and my winning the wager. I have told him that I am not comfortable with a threesome on occasion and he ends up talking me back into it. Making it seem like it would be all about me.
It doesn't matter anyway at this point. He responded yesterday and told me to "F**k off, he'd had a bad day and didn't want to deal with my bs drama and that the world didn't revolve around me" I had only asked how his day was, I was willing to forget the whole thing had happened and try and move on. What say you now Aunties?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): This guy is abusive. I know how you feel, I have been in a similar situation. My ex would always turn things around to make things he had said or done into my fault and I was the one left begging him to take me back, trying to make everything alright. He knew I would do that.
Things are not going to get any better. You need to end things with him right away. It will be hard but you don't really have a choice. Start by cutting him out of your life. Deal with everything else after you have made that decision.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 March 2014):
 I'd say the same, he was LOOKING for a way out of the relationship - this was just the BEST BS "solution" he could come up with that made YOU look like the "bad guy".
Block his number. Forget about him. He sounds like a douche.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): I am the OP
I need to clarify that I have NOT brought up the threesome on several occasions. I have avoided the topic all together in hopes that he would forget it. This all started over a friendly wager on a football game. I won the wager and have yet to receive my prize and his idea for his prize has become the topic since this game and my winning the wager. I have told him that I am not comfortable with a threesome on occasion and he ends up talking me back into it. Making it seem like it would be all about me.
It doesn't matter anyway at this point. He responded yesterday and told me to "F**k off, he'd had a bad day and didn't want to deal with my bs drama and that the world didn't revolve around me" I had only asked how his day was, I was willing to forget the whole thing had happened and try and move on. What say you now Aunties?
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (5 March 2014):
 I too think this guy had a huge trust issue at first. He was insecure for a reason or for another (I guess you was way too willingly sexual for him to believe he would ever be the only one for you) and he elaborated a trap to reveal your "true kind". Alas, as you wanted to please him once again, you agreed to go for a threesome, which confirmed him you was a whore. Even if you are not at all, for him there is nothing more to say, his opinion is made once for all.
Sorry you have to go through that sort of bitter experience, but to console you, just imagine how tragic it would have been if you had met a guy who know how to use your weakness to get some benefits from your sexual willingness. That's how some very nice girls end up being prostitutes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 March 2014):
This is not something you can fix. He was looking for a way out and created a "scenario" where he could make an excuse. He knew you would "word vomit" in text if he put you on the spot. He uses the silent treatment to get you going and you KNOWING this is a "trigger" for you, walk right into it.
He has trust issues too and that alone is almost impossible to "fix".
You are in the 36-40 age group so I HAVE to say that you are old enough to say no to things (sexually or otherwise) and you are old enough to know doing things sexually, JUST to please a partner is not healthy.
Next time don't HAVE these conversations over text. HAVE them face to face so there will be LESS chance of misunderstandings. And ACCEPT that you CAN say no to things in a relationship if you are not comfortable with them. Not all fantasies have to be played out. Specially if one's partner (you) were not wanting to do it.
I'd let this guy go. Even if he does come back he will hold HIS version of events over your heard from here on out.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (5 March 2014):
 Hi, Sounds like he was testing you and you failed. I suggest you let this go and move on. He obviously does not want to hear your version and clearly has made up his mind. I might add chasing after him and hounding him with messages is not going to make things better. He has obviously moved on and if he wants to contact you he will, so stop sending him messages and trying to call him. You need to start the healing process and this can only happen once you accept its over. I am really sorry that you meant well and it back fired. Threesomes in 99% of the time spells doom for a relationship and remember if a man truly loves you he will not want to share you with anyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): You realise that if you dial numbers on a phone you can instantly speak to the other person for hours if you wish. It's amazing this invention called a telephone. You should try it sometime.
Never have serious conversation by text.
Don't do demean yourself with a threesome to fulfil someone else's fantasy. If it was your fantasy that would he fine but It's not. Have some self respect. You The only apologiing you should be doing is for not being assertive to say no to what you didn't want to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): Send him this link: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-said-he-wanted-a-threesome-and-then.html
It shows that you love him and you mean what you say by the fact you asked online
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A
female
reader, cgrlygo +, writes (5 March 2014):
 it dosent seem to be a huge misunderstanding ... but if I am getting this right... it sounds as though he has trust issues and that looks like a test. however I can tell you that you are letting him rule you by catering to this "trigger " of yours. If he loved you and clearly wanted to be with you he wouldn't have pulled a trick like this. You have done what you could... texted with no response..( which he is using as a control over you)... At this point I would let things be for a while. when he gets in contact... if he does... you will have had proper time to think and reflect on this whole situation.
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