A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has told me that I'm his and stuff before but the other day we were driving and he said in his famous 'joking yet serious tone' "you're mine...your My property and i own you your stuck with me" he said some other stuff pertaining to that then went back to basically rephrasing himself. Then I said kind of jokingly "well... then if you own me I own you too" his voice got a bit more serious and was like "no it doesnt work like that.." i asked y not and he just said again 'thats not how it works -now kiss me' and then he changed the subject.i didnt really know how to respond.... so im glad i guess that he changed the subject -what should I have said back? and -should i be concerned by this? (he's 25 and im 19 weve been dating for 3months) Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): After what you have said here, this guy is into control and he is going to get worse. Right now you are in the honeymoon stage, but the cycle of abuse is just getting ramped up. He will start to denigrate your friends and family and try to alienate you from them so as to minimize their influence on you. He will get angrier at you for not Listening to him (which means you are not under his thumb enough to suit him) and the play acting will turn into real slaps and punches and then he will say he is sorry and he will be nice....for awhile.
Get out before you get into deep with this guy because he will end up destroying your spirit and your self esteem. Cut your losses now and look for a "normal" guy. He is an abuser and has anger and control issues and no amount of love from you is going to change him....he can only do that for himself.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (12 September 2009):
You say you don't know what's normal. So I shall tell you.
This is not normal.
Any guy can make you happy and cuddle you. Any guy can be defensive and worry about the fact you could be in danger.
GOOD guys do not make you unhappy and try to control you.
Get rid of him because he can and WILL get worse and worse. When you find your next boyfriend and he trusts you and actually makes you happy rather than forcing you to do things, then you will know what I mean.
Good Luck!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the answers. Well you asked for more details about other things that don't feel right:
-he goes through my texts and calls
-he asks me to do certain things and if I dont he gets annoyed beacuse im 'not listening to him'
-he makes jokes about slapping and pushing me
-he play-slaps my face sometimes or acts like he's about to punch or slap me (he's joking but sometimes it still bothers me a little)
-he doesnt want me to be in contact with the person i was seeing before him (which im fine with though I understand that)
-hes really into porn
But he is really great at the same time we always have fun together, we spend a lot of time together and he likes to cuddle a lot. When were not together we text all the time and talk on the phone. He also really cares about my health and that I'm safe.
The thing is that I have never had a relationship that lasted longer than 1 month and those werent that serious at all. I really dont know what is normal and whats not. And no Im not into D/S stuff but I do know he likes feeling 'powerful'. He was raised catholic also but is not with the church himself currently.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): @haydi6 - There's undoubtedly some truth to your answer, in that this guy would probably not like it if she tried to leave - however, she may decide to so anyway, in which case I would say do so. However, she should then take steps to ensure her safety (get some of her trusted guy friends/family to look out for her, and be careful not to be alone with him).If he's the type of guy who poses a serious risk to her, he's hardly the type of guy she shouldn't be trying to get away from.No offence, but I also found your post very depressing - "he will hit you later-"; frankly, such discouraging words, promoting the idea that there's absolutely NO way out of such situations, are not exactly what you should be telling someone in that position.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): You need to get to the bottom of this ASAP- either he recant's it our get out for good and fast. you do NOT need to be in a "relationship" (which is impossible if you're simply an object to be owned) with someone with wacked out ideas such as this. People who believe this will spiral out of control until they damage or discard an old beat up object that is no longer any value to them. You do NOT need to be that object.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): Kudos to you for spotting this and asking about it here! I would be very careful if I were you. Call him out on this every time he does it. Decide on boundaries beforehand and resolve firmly to stick to them.It may sound like "just a joke," but, from my personal experience, often when someone has made a rude joke on any normally "serious" topic, they've always seemed to take it less seriously, and have ended up doing some VERY disturbing things. This may or may not be the case here.Has he displayed any of the common signs of emotional abuse mentioned here?http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/Also, as a general rule, if someone brings out the worst in you and not the best, that is a sign something is wrong.If you could give us more information on the way he behaves - even the "little things" that don't feel quite right at the time can sometimes be a sign of something so much bigger - that would help.Best of luck!
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (10 September 2009):
Yeah you should be concerned.
This is the kind of thing that can be sorted out straight away, OR if left it can go seriously horribly wrong in a few months time when you've fallen for him and turns into a controlling psychotic.
You need to be strong about this and deal with it.
Tell him that you've been thinking about what he said and you are not happy with it. Tell him NO ONE owns you, and you will not be in a relationship with a guy who tries.
Tell him straight that if he takes that attitude with you again then it's OVER. You need to MEAN it!!
Good Luck!! xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): I would delve a little further with him about what he meant, it doesn't work that way.
There are some fundamental Christian beliefs that says the Bible says that a woman/wife is the property of the man/husband and she is meant to serve him.
This is about as ridiculous a notion as there is that hides behind so called Christianity, this is not a Christian belief that my church holds and it seems that it is foreign to you as well.
It may not be religous belief with him, but more of a mysoginistic attitude towards women and another reason to stay clear..
Or he could have truly just been joking and shooting off his mouth. Better find out which it was.
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