A
female
age
41-50,
*uggy
writes:I am having problems at the moment. Six weeks ago my partner of four years (friend of ten) said he needed some time to figure out what he wanted from the relationship as he wasn't sure that he still loved me. Events came about when I sat him down to talk, and asked him if he had any issues he wanted to talk about, he said no "everything is perfect isn't it". I said that this was not the case, that I was worried as he had stayed out all night before and I was worried about him. He then said "well i suppose if you don;t trust me then there's no point", and walked out. He said he needed a week or so to sort his head out, so I gave him a week, and then he said it was over. We had only bought a flat six months previously, and he was now saying that he had never loved me, never fancied me, didin't want kids or marriage with me (even though he suggested all those things) and that he had known he was feeling unsure for the last two years. Since this I have fallen into a major depressive state and have not been eating or working. I find it so hard to do anything, as my motivation is so low. I have been to counsillors and my antidepressant medication has been raised to the maximum limit.I think more than anything it is the shock factor, he was talking about kids the day before, then has just decided its all not for him. After four years, and buying a place and talking about the future etc, I just feel like the rug has well and truly been pulled from under my feet. After his sister being quite aggressive on the phone to me, I agreed to sign our flat over to him, provided I am adequately compensated. I just feel so hurt, and like a fool for not seeing it coming, even though his family and friends were also as shocked as me when it happened. After such a long time I feel so betrayed that he could have strung me along for such a long time, and even buy a flat with me. He has been out every night pretty much since the split, whilst I am kicking myself for being such a mess.I know that my depression is not helping, and I just don't think I can face going back to the flat to pick up all my stuff, especially as he says he wants to be there to make sure i don't take anything that isn't his. He's gone from saying "you're my best mate, lets stay friends" to sending me solicitors letters and getting his sister to ring me, to adding me as mates on websites and stuff. I can't do all of this friends stuff yet, as I do still love him and it would break my heart to see him with someone else. I just wanted to get this all off my chest. I know what I need to do to get my life back on track, but I just don't have the motivation to do it, and i feel like its been long enough now, but I still can't seem to move on.I just wanted to get this off my chest, as I really hurt, and its got to the stage where my depression has started to affect my health.
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female
reader, kellyO +, writes (17 April 2007):
 Hi dear,
Your best bet now is to pick yourself up and show him in many ways that you can carry on without him. That is the only way you can hurt him for everything he has done. No one that has been that close to another will be truly happy when that person indicates she can move on readily and take control without him.
I know this is hard. I was in a relationship myself for five years engaged and all. He went on to get married to someone else why i was busy planning our wedding. he said all the things your partner mentioned that he never wanted marriage. I dusted myself up, worked on my career. Now iam researcher, engaged to be married soon. He now calls me to say his marriage is over and he wants me. There were times before i would have jumped to that but now i'm wiser and i felt the greatest joy in the world to tell him to get lost!
Things happen in life i'm afraid. Is how we deal with it that makes us to go on and be successful. Almost everyone u see have gone through one thing or the other. They coped. You can too.
I know it is hard, just give yourself time. Take a trip. Go study a course. Move in with your family. Do anything that will help and make you feel better. Think about yourself now, forget about him. don't think about things in the relationship any more, don't even discuss it with anyone again, his friends, his family yours. In fact try as much as possible to detach yourself from his family and him for the time being at least., just treat it all like a bad dream.Think only on the positive. Him leaving you will turn your life around.
I sincerely wish you all the best. You can write to me any time and let me know how things are. want to hear great stuff!
Kelly.
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