A
female
age
51-59,
*harmz
writes:Hello everyone I desperately need your advice cos I am feeling terribly hurt. My Bf and I were on online relationships for 3 years and for a reason that i loved him i am willing to wait til things settled and we can get married as we planned. Two years ago he lost his job and been depending only his past savings. He was down and out and I am there for him constantly communicating online or phones from home to work and even when i am traveling. Recently he has this new job in Networking with some partners and is dealing with some big company as a major contacts. The job keeps him busy and hardly got time to email/call me. He left only 2 or 3 message for the last 2 wks apologizing that he missed to send me messages because he is working so hard but its for our future. I support and understand that as long as he is there for me no matter what happen just dont abandon me. We had a little fight when he did not answer my emails, i saw him online but no message i called him but no reply he is totally ignoring me day by day and weeks. I felt so hurt and angry when i saw his Facebook updating daily comments from his friends and from a lady friend which he commented such stupid cuty messages like" did you water your flower plant today?" and so on. I couldnt take it anymore so i deleted his account and asked him why is he ignoring me? I totally freak out to think he has time for that while i been waiting for him days/night/weeks. Well maybe im over reacting but I am not asking too much of his time as long as he just reply my message ill be happy for that at least has the courtesy to message me back cos i am his gf. How long do i have to wait? thats why it pisses me off. I missed him and i thought he'd feel the same way. I sent him an email to get even with it i said some hurtful words cos i am really angry hes acting weird and a total stranger to me. He used to be so concern even wanting more attention but not anymore since he has his job. He responded to me once saying he was hurt with my assumption and that i am out of control. His purpose is mainly to communicates with them as part of networking he wants me to understand his job and just to hang on there cos he has plans for us. Im not complaining his job what i want is cant he just spare a little time for me? can he make some efforts if what he says he is missing me and been thinking of me but why i dont feel it?. Tell me guys am i asking too much attention? am i trying to control? I just dont want to cut off our communication regardless how busy we are with this timezone and the opportunity I am busy with my work too but i always has time for him. I did my part and never neglected him now hes like a stranger he turns cold towards me. We are in a relationship and if you really love and care someone BUSY is not a good excuse youll do anthing to make the person happy. I get paranoid now thinking maybe he doenst need me anymore maybe he wants only to focus with his work but what about his promise for us i waited patiently for him after all this years. I really appreciate your advice and opinion I am depressed and heartbroken. I sent him email asking hows things with him and his work but no reply still. I am lost and dont know where did i go wrong? after 3 yrs he just didnt try hard enough at least tell me what is really wrong, Im open for discussion and willing to change if i acted wrongly. Confused and hurt.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 July 2010):
 Best of luck charmz, I really do hope he gets back to you and realizes how valuable you and your relationship is! I hope he is willing for fight for it just as much as you have, and I hope he will see that he is pushing away someone who loves him! If he can not see that... then it is his loss, becase you have so much love and care to give.
A
female
reader, charmz +, writes (3 July 2010):
charmz is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi chigirl thanks for getting back with me really appreciate it and it open my eyes. I am really confused with him, before whenever we have conflicts we used to resolved our problems easily because i am always there for him and has all my attentions. But by having his job now it really change him a lot...he didnt make much effort and im always the one who tries to reach out and surrender. You are right I realize that he lost focus on me his attitude already giving me the signal that his job is much more important than me. How dare he did this to me when at time he was alone, down and out and lonely with no families (both parents passed away)with less friends i was there for him, encourage him to fight and not to give up. I prayed for him everyday that someday he will get a job thanks to his business friends who he consider as his family they are the ones who help him and offer a management marketing position. I sense that he is more grateful to them while i am totally out. It hurts when you are not an important anymore and being rejected is the worst.
We dont normally communicates on Facebook cos for him its more on business we only chatted on webcam via gmail or skype. I just find it strange when i did ask him before if he ever mentioned me to his new friends i met some of his old friends 2 yrs ago online. But now he said he doesnt want his personal life to be known to them cos he wants it private. With that i already sense that he is very careful. Today i sent him a long email this is something i want to test him if he will reply. I express my feelings on how i missed and always loved him had explained to him that if he thinks i was out of control it is because i am guarding our relationship which means so much to me. I also attach some of my photos which i attended in our company party last wk. And i also said that if by staying away from him will make him focus more with his job and for his future then i shall let him and will keep my distance.
You know the feelings while writing the email? it is so bloody painful I cried and couldn't imagine why has to end this way. If he doesnt answer me back for the last time in my last emai? I will gave up and will not be in contact with him anymore. The pain is too much.
Thanks you so much chigirl i will try my best to forget this man I dont deserve such treatment. Im moving on to my next chapter of life.
Best regards....Thank you everyone.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 July 2010):
You pointed out something important. He said that maybe you don't know him after all. This is a really bad statement to say because it puts the conflict on its edge, and he tries to turn it into being about your fault and not his. Which is not the words of someone who wants a resolution.
Then you say that he has changed. Maybe he has. And maybe you actually don't know him anymore. After 4 years I think you know someone pretty well. If he tries to say you don't know him, then maybe he has changed. What is his work worth, if it causes a break-up between you and him? Did he not say he was working so hard for you two to be together? It sounds as if his goal at first was to work hard to be with you. But then he lost focus and now it is all about the job, and you only get whatever leftover time he has. This is his choice, career over family.
If you want a want who chooses family over career, this man might not be for you.
Do you have facebook too? Does he ever send you messages on it? Even if it is cute little messages, or likes something you said or did? Because that would take two seconds of his time to do, after all he goes on facebook for his work, but once there it is very very easy to just leave you a small line.
He has stopped working on your relationship... basically. Unless this changes you know you will be the only one working on the relationship.
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A
female
reader, charmz +, writes (3 July 2010):
charmz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys how are you? I really appreciate your advices. We actually talk after i sent him a long email expressing my disappointments. I told him i dont deserve to be treated this way it was so mean of him to constantly keeps ignoring me.
Hw actually said I should be more patient cos he works long hrs and always in meetings. But to be honest I dont buy that excuse cos its an act of being cold and disregarding my feelings.
I ask him what was really wrong but he said its all in my mind that there is no truth... he says "if you think I am that kind of person then you really still do not know who I am. This is do or die here in what I am doing everything is riding on it our future. And all the things you think you see, are no really there. My Facebook is just another tool for my work here. That's why I have been using it. If you remember I never even used FB before".
I dont know what things he said were true and which were not. For almost coming to 4 years now and to find someone so easy to be around...I feel like this is going to end. I saw him online and when im online waiting for him to message me its sad he still ignoring me. This is really hurting i see the changes of him and i dont know him anymore. I am so ANGRY with him now and really HATE him. I’m angry that it makes me hurt when I see, hear or write his name.
Thank you guys for each of your advice....guess i need to let it go its hard though but i will try and move on :(
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 July 2010):
I have honestly no idea why he does not contact you, and I don't for a second believe he doesn't have the time. He could contact you before bed-time, when he wakes up, while he eats dinner.. the occasions arise as often as he wants them to arise. Really. If he prioritized YOU I don't see how he can never find time. It's all about what you prioritize.
I feel for you, I really do. I don't understand why some men do this either! I mean he says he's working so hard so that you two can be together, and obviously he really needed this job. But it should not be on expense of the relationship. If he is too busy to be with you then he is just that.. Too busy, and should not be in a relationship when he can not take good care of that relationship.
It is up to you to accept this and continue to wait for weeks to hear from him.. and then just hope that his feelings are still there, hope that your feelings are strong enough to not fade away. Or you can leave this and find a man who will make you happy.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87  +, writes (2 July 2010):
 unfortunately I think it sounds like he might have lost interest. I say this because typically when a guy is interested they will call you, text you, contact you before friends about watering their flower plants.
I hope that you get a chance to talk to him in person and when you do let him know how you feel and that you're not trying to be clingy or anything,but you want to know where you two stand. Let him know where you want the both of you to stand and go from there. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich +, writes (2 July 2010):
 I'm so sorry for this dear sister.., and no" you are not acting wrong. Your reaction is totally normal. In this situation he is giving you a big question mark in front of you. You are now confused and don't know where to stand. You feel you are hanging around somewhere and don't know whats gonna happen next in this relationship. I would say, send him a long email and tell him exactly what you feel. Ask him where this relation will go? give him a ultimatum. Is he still serious in this relationship or he just letting you to wait to something which is not sure. Ask him frankly, ask him the real situation of this relationship. Tell him, he need to tell you what is going on now. Be frank at him. He need to be honest to you. Of course its hurt. But its better to get hurt now than later. Don't let him do this to you. You don't deserve this. I wish you good luck anyway..
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