A
female
age
30-35,
*ocochanel
writes:okay i am in desperate need of help. I fell madly in love with my current boyfriend almost two years ago in high school. we first became friends, and on my birthday he asked to be his girlfriend. i was the happiest girl alive for months, it was unreal. there was one major problem and i believe it has to do with jealousy or something but i am just so confused. A while back before i even met my current boyfriend, i came close to hooking up with a guy i wasnt very interested in but more so interested in having a real relationship and hoping i would finally have one, well this has destroyed my relationship with my current boyfriend beyond belief. After a year of dating it went downhill, he would lash out on me and remind me of the past and would make me feel so degrated and horrible. after all of the fighting and making up, he ended up cheating on me after a year and a half of us being together and committed. we broke up, and after a few months into college we somehow managed to talk to eachother daily, even though most was fighting, and then fell in love all over again as if nothing happened. Well as weeks went bye, it finaly happened again, he told me he could never be in a real longterm committed relationship with me cuz of what i "did" and how he has to hook up with another girl in order to be with me. i am convincing myself so many things, is this right? is he right? i told him i deserve better than this i know he loves me i can tell and when we arent arguing we have the most amazing time together i cant imagine life without him but i am so unhappy when he does this to me and tells me this. i am so confused, any adivce?
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broke up, fell in love, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2008):
 He's a mess. Don't let him turn YOU into a mess too. No man is worth being treated like this. Once you realize this, you'll be fine. Remember, his bad side is probably more important to learn about than his good side. Living with someone's good side is easy. Figuring out what their bad side is and deciding if you can live with it is the key. His bad side is really really bad. Seriously.
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (22 December 2008):
 Good riddence. He just burned the bridge. I think you would have to be a huge fool to ever take this man back. Move on to better things now.
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A
female
reader, cocochanel +, writes (22 December 2008):
cocochanel is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes he said he needed to have sex with someone else because of my "past" which is beyond ridiculous my past includes absolutley nothing except for that ONE incident where i acted very stupid and almost did something. And after the past two weeks were going great, he started yet again another fight which lead to us breaking up again. He even called me over the phone to tell me he returned all of my christmas presents and won't be seeing me on christmas. :(
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2008):
There are many posts here from men who are haunted by their girlfriends' or wives' pasts. I think it is a very difficult emotion to deal with and causes a lot of problems in the relationship. What seems off to me is his insistence that hooking up with someone else will somehow make this go away for him. It will not, it will only introduce new angst and troubles in your relationship, and I'll bet he'll STILL feel that jealousy and upset over your non-incident "hook up." In fact, he cheated on you during your relationship and he STILL blames you for something you didn't even do. This is HIS problem which he's laid on you.
There are guys who simply cannot handle the emotions they have when they imagine their girl with another guy. I suspect he's one of these.
Honestly, if it were me in your shoes, I'd run for the hills. He will never let go of this, he might forget it for a while, but I think he will bring it up again and again and especially when you two are in a fight. And personally, I'd never trust a guy who'd cheated on me once then had the temerity to tell me he had to hook up with another girl so that we'd somehow be 'even.' Don't fall for this idiotic logic; you'll have wasted time on him when you finally realize that you can find someone who won't have this jealousy problem.
You can't imagine life without him because you don't want to have to go through a break up; you can and you will survive a breakup. And he can go find another girl to terrorize and fight with. I'll bet he gets angry at you when another guy looks at you. This guy is toxic, sweetie, he's the one with the issue and you're taking it on by letting him try to convince you that the sky is green and the grass is blue.
Take good care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (22 December 2008):
He has absolutely no right to be angry at you for ALMOST hooking up with some other guy before the two of you even MET!!! First off, it was an almost. Second, you didnt belong to him yet, you were not cheating on him as you werent even together yet!
And if it were tit for tat, he was already 'even' when he cheated on you the first time! Tell him that if he is going to hook up with other girls, you are going to hook up with other guys.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): If I understand correctly, you seem to be implying that your bf needs to cheat on you because you"came close to hooking up" with someone else before the two of you were even dating. If this were true (1) it would be kind of a lame excuse on his part and (2) he would have been over the cheating after the first round. It sounds to me like he's using your guilt over a temptation that had nothing to do with him and happened years ago to justify his bad behavior.
Whether or not he actually needs to be with other girls in order to be with you, it sounds like he's definitely going to be, since he feels the need to tell you this. You need to ask yourself if you're willing to put up with that. Personally, I wouldn't be, but some people are fine with the idea of an "open" relationship. In that case make sure it's a two way street and he understands you can see other people as well and make sure you are cautious of your own health if you sleep with him.
If you can't put up with his cheating ways, get the Hell away from him. I know this is hard to do, especially when you're in love, but in the long run, I think you'll be much saner and happier.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): Hello....It sounds like you have been thur alot with him....But him saying he has to hook up with another girl is very wrong....If it was me I would just tell him to do whatever he wants ........Because if he cared about you so much he would be with you thur the hard and easy times.....I know its hard to do since your in love with him but maybe if you let him go.....you guys might find each other again thats what i did and after a long hard year apart from my boyfriend we are back together and stronger then ever.....just let him go and have fun with your friends anything could happen maybe it will make you guys stronger or maybe you will find someone else you thought could never take his place and be surprise.....but him tell you that he needs to hook up with other girls is total crap i wouldnt go for that girl.
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