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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I think some advice would be helpful so here I am. My boyfriend told me he doesn't want marriage and children but he also doesn't know for sure. He adds our personalities are very different and feels we aren't the best match (this kind of confused me and hearing these things definitely DO NOT give me good feeling).That being said he told me he can see us together for a long time because we get along well. I have the qualities he looks for and value in a companion that were not really there in his previous relationships. I know I want kids and marriage in the future. Most likely this will not change and it may be the same for him. I dont like maybes and I dont knows. When I asked him how he feels or have to say about our different views on marriage and children he just said there may be a huge disagreement between us later. He still wants to be together knowing our views are different. Is this him just being selfish?He asked if I have second thoughts of him now and if anything changed between us. My response was I dont know what to think and just dont have good feelings. We've only been together for over half a year but I do have deep feelings for him. So far though he has not said those three words to me at all. And sometimes I wonder if he is in love with me and if I tell him first what will happen. I know I need more time to think things through but my decision may be the difficult one to make--to break up. What are your thoughts? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 February 2018):
 I honestly don't see how he is being selfish. Wanting to be together doesn't make him selfish. I understand you both want different things so yes off course than may get in the way eventually. But people do often change there minds about marriage and children. If you don't think he will and you are not feeling the love from him then end it now.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 February 2018):
 he is not a good match, telling you he doesn't want marriage and children is the truth, adding that he isn't sure is designed to keep you hooked on hope he might change his mind.
He had told you he doesn't see you as a good match ... that's another truth, but he' happy to keep you hanging around for the time being.
To be honest I wouldn't want to be with a guy who says those things, if you want marriage and children and commitment this is not the guy for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2018): It's important to be on the same page going into a relationship. As time progresses, you have to maintain a consistency and synchronization of goals and expectations.
He wants a long-term perpetual-girlfriend. Men do not necessarily expect every relationship to be a prelude to marriage. We will discuss the future if you want to; but that doesn't necessarily mean you will be the star and female-lead in all his dream-works productions.
Early in a new relationship, either party has the potential to be much more down the road; and he wants to see how things go with you as a girlfriend. Let the future take care of itself. Men don't think in terms of wedding-gowns, alters, wedding bells, and babies. Sorry, we think more in the now; and whether or not you can maintain your place in the present and near future. The male-mind is more cut and dry.
Yes, men want kids, some want a wife (not necessarily at the same time), and they do want to get married. Eventually.
Most men will discuss the future, make big plans; but they are not thinking in the same terms and sequences as women do. Men and women think differently. Although we want the same things, set similar goals, and have the same human feelings and emotions.
It's easy to take a sexist-stance and just rationalize or generalize by saying men are selfish and commitment-phobic. That's not true. We think in more logical and less emotional terms. We good-men do what is right; based on good-character, strong values, and under the power of love.
There are no-goods among both sexes. They screw it up for everyone. So you find yourself taking extra-precautions and dodging bullets. Sometimes letting cynicism get the better of you by erring for too much on the side of caution. Out of fear we may become overly-cautious. I've found that is so much better than being impetuous and irresponsible with my heart. The trick is knowing the difference between insecurity; and yielding to our better-judgement!
To be totally straight with you. I don't like his style! I think you have a more traditional mindset. He's more casual and less committed. More dedicated to his own agenda.
He didn't even give you the open-end option. Nor the respect you deserve by allowing you to have more say in how you choose to bide YOUR time and how YOU invest YOUR feelings. He set an expiration-date which comes at his own discretion. He simply informed you; this is how it will be. This is a limited-partnership. You my dear, are the "silent partner." You have a sell-by date. He only intends to put so much into it. Nuh-uh! Bad call!
I don't think you and this guy are on the same page. I can't say he's not a good man, I can only speculate by your description he's nowhere close to where you are. I also think you're too far ahead of yourself in your feelings.
You're just beginning to learn what and how he thinks; but you're already thinking you're in-love. That's the problem with too many people. They don't fully know who they're falling in-love with. They've yet to discover...why?
Sometimes we all lose it, and base our feelings more on the need to pacify or cure loneliness. We desperately need to label somebody girlfriend or boyfriend; but not enough time is given to fully acquaint yourself with the desires and intentions of your love-interest. Everyone is too afraid they'll getaway. We crave to hear the words "I love you;" because that would mean finally the search is over.
You wrote a post because you do not like what he said. You've got sharp instincts, and you let logic jump ahead of emotion. Smart move!
Personally, I wouldn't invest anymore of my time in this fellow. He's almost smug and arrogant; but at least he's honest. The ball is now in your court. Process this situation carefully. He suddenly took a left-turn!
You don't have to make an abrupt decision based on the fact you don't think he's up for marriage and kids with you. You need to give the relationship enough time to evolve and mature to see if your feelings for him remain consistent; and to see if he even has the character to sustain and substantiate your feelings. Honestly, I don't think that will require too much more time. I think this is a miss, not a match.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 January 2018):
 I think he feels he has finally found a good one, but not a KEEPER (with that I mean someone he can see himself spend the "rest" of his life with).
You mention that you have been together for over 6 months but not precisely how long, and I DO think that makes a difference.
If it's more like 9 months, then I DO think he is wasting your time. That you are the "Ms. Right Now" (until he finds someone he CAN see himself with long term). Which in his eyes can be a long time. That he is enjoying you as a partner, he just doesn't see HIMSELF as a husband and father or YOU as a potential spouse.
If it's LESS than/close to 6 months, then you are still in the get to know you phase. BUT you still want different things down the road, so if it's an ISSUE that he doesn't want marriage and kids... Why continue? All you do is "block" yourself from meeting someone who CAN see himself as your partner in the LONG run.
So do you want to continue seeing him knowing that ALL he really foresee for sure in the future with you, is a HUGE disagreement over differences?
I don't think there should BE a rush to say "I love you" to someone. I think it should MEAN something and not be said until you are sure that is how you feel.
Maybe he isn't saying it because he knows deep down that you are NOT the one for him. You are the one-right-now for him.
And I think you are RIGHT to rethink this relationship. If he is the same age group as you, he is OLD enough to realize WHAT he said will affect HOW you feel about him and the relationship. Isn't the point of dating to try and FIND that someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? Not just someone you get along with who is willing to keep your bed warm?
You can LOVE someone, or care for them deeply, and NOT be a good long term match.
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