A
female
age
30-35,
*nonyous
writes:hi. i am at uni and really like my flatmate. however,he is always constantly mean to me..like he exerts his power over me, making m feel small. For example, if he says something to me and i walk or look away he's like:'I'm not done talking to you' or 'look at me when i'm speaking to you'.He has always been this way with me, snd i always let him get away with it so that could be why he does it. Its not like we hate eachother coz we have a lot of fun as well, like food fights etc. and do get along.However, recently he found a note under my bed saying that i liked him, an so now he knows how i feel, although, to resolve the situation at the time, i lied and said it wasn't true. However, he still knows that i like him and my flatmates joke about it a lot as well. Since then, he hasn't changed that much around me and hasn't backed off. He still acts the same around me...and is still mean which i don't understand.But, then, yesterday, my other male flatmate, was talking to him about girls (i wasn't there) and I was told me afterwards that the guy i like said that girls are attracted to you more if you are mean to them?? So, is this why he is so mean to me??Help..i'm so confused.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): You've said that this guy is mean to you, you've said that you like this guy, and you have not actually given any other reasons for liking him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): I was raised to be a SNAG (remember those, lol) and underwent a lot of unneccessary pain through being too 'wet' for the girls I really liked. They invariably flirted and worse with other men in front of me. Eventually I discovered I had to be a bit of a bastard to keep the girl (the one's I like anyways). As a man, you've got to flash a bit of machismo once in a while - you have to be seen to be the male lion, king of the jungle.
I think this maybe what your flatmate was talking about. But this 'flash of machismo' does not mean talking as your flatmate does to you - put-downs like that are more about control issues he's got, presumably from his own insecurities.
Old school chauvinism has phrases to which your flatmate seems to subscribe, like:
'Treat them mean, keep them keen.'
'Treat them like dirt and they'll cling like mud.'
This is because once your self-esteem has been depressed, any kind word or gesture will 'like bright metal on a sullen ground . . . shine more goodly.' THose moments where he's nice will become the islands of happiness that you cling to amid the great ocean of despair that will become your lot.
I reckon you should be careful with your feelings around this guy, and DON'T let him get away with treating or talking to you disrespectfully. Stand up for yourself with confidence and you'll soon discover that many more fellas (and probably better looking and nicer) are already interested in you than you realise.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (13 December 2007):
 No, he is mean because he is a controlling person.
There are plenty of them out there mate and many come in the best disguises. Nobody is mean for the sake of it, you have to have it inside you to be mean to someone.
The really tragic thing is these types of guy's usually do have a girl on their arm. Quite why girl's like to be treated like dirt I have no idea, though the girl's I know who put up with this behaviour usually have very domineering father's. So the boyfriend is a substitute for the controlling father.
But you have a choice, you can meet someone who will treat you with respect, or you can hook up with this guy who will get his kicks out of treating you like you are nothing. If you go with him the meannes is only starting mate, he will really lay it on then - you will be blamed for all his poor choices, what you wear will be critized, your performance in bed won't meet his lofty expectations, his family will be very disappointed in you and you have to prove you are worthy - etc etc.
dont give this arsehole the time of day.
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