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male
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anonymous
writes:I was led to believe by my boyfriend that he didn't smoke. It turned out that he was a very heavy smoker, was trying to quit because he knew I wouldn't like it, and was avoiding or hiding it when I was around.By the time I found out his attempts at quitting were both unsuccessful and over. He apologised for hiding it but said he would quit when he wanted to and not when someone else wanted him to.After I found out he continued to never smoke around me which was his choice. Then when it came to moving in together he started making a really big deal about his smoking and how I would hate it and start despising it. I explained I didn't like it but could live with it as more than anything I wanted us to share our lives together.When we moved in with each other he continued smoking and continued to hide it. I don't know for sure but for quite a while I think he was hoping I'd think he didn't smoke any more. Now he seems to have a smoke at every chance he gets when I won't be there to see it like when he goes out to get something or when I'm in the shower, on the phone or asleep (and probably all day long when he is at work). I think he is now aware that I know this, and I reckon he is now feeling more comfortable or at ease in doing this and that makes me feel like a real bastard if I were to express my feeling about it.It is really starting to get to me. The way he keeps hiding it feels like he is deceiving me however on the other side of things I probably couldn't handle it if he smoked around me. The fact that he feels more comfortable should be a good thing and he's probably breathing a sigh of relief unaware of what I'm thinking. He will say he was doing something else like looking at the garden or something when he was actually out there smoking.Another thing that bugs me is just the health side of it. He takes such good care of himself with stuff like what he eats and exercise, but then he smokes stacks of cigarettes. When I found out he smoked I asked him how many a day but he wouldn't tell me as it is a lot.What should I do? I sort of feel that raising this issue would be unreasonable of me as before we moved in together I said I would be okay with it. He was right as I do now despise it. I worry for his health, I hate the smell of his breath, and I just hate smoking. All of this has compounded to me just not liking it one bit.We love each other and are very committed to each other. I am unsure about how I should deal with this. Do you think I should talk to him about this, or refrain from expressing my views because of our discussion before we moved in with one another?? Thanks so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Dr Pete for your insight.
I do understand he isn't doing it out of choice and I try to be understanding. He said the other day and also over a year ago that he'll give up when he is ready. He has explained it is sort of a double addiction - the nicotine and the actual act or smoking and what it is associated with.
He has a few not major health problems, which on investigation I have discovered are likely a result of his smoking.
I did wonder if mentioning it often would be counter productive and mentioning it the other day was the first time in about a year.
Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): Smoking is a difficult issue to tackle. He isn't choosing to smoke for pleasure. I say that because you say it "bugs" you that he is damaging his health. People diagnosed with cancer and have months to live often continue smoking. He smokes because nicotene is one of the most psychologically addictive chemicals there is.
The thing with smokers is that the habit of smoking becomes tied up with self-confidence, guilt and fear.
These things are what keeps a smoker smoking, and that is why people suddenly find that they can't give up no matter how hard they try.
It's difficult when one partner smokes and the other doesn't because the smoker will often end up feeling inferior, or guilty because they know they are upsetting their non-smoking partner. This guilt though, it actually reinforces their "need" to smoke. When you show any sign that you don't like his smoking, he'll become more dependent on the cigarettes, not less.
I used to be a smoker myself, sometimes quite heavily. I have also been in relationships where my ex partner became a none smoker and it caused huge issues between us because they would always discourage me from smoking but it just made me feel worse. I've since been trained to stop people from smoking using hypnosis. This has the highest success rate there is. The only condition is that the smoker has to be ready, and accept that they will never, ever have a cigarette again in their whole life. I don't know where you live but the cost of this therapy is around 150 - 350 pounds for one session. Not bad if you're a 20-a-day smoker as it pays for itself in 1 - 2 months.
Failing that, your best bet to encourage your boyfriend is to work on his self-belief. Somewhere hidden away in his character is a person who expects himself to fail, who doesn't believe he is strong enough to be a smoker and who desperately wants to feel he can achieve any thing. Find these insecurities and help show him how great his future life could be when cigarettes arn't there. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Toria. I eventually managed to bring it up from a health perspective. I think he'll quit but no sign of it yet.
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (27 September 2006):
 I would talk to him and explain to him that you are worried about the health side of his smoking and see what he comes back with.
The thing is he warned you and you said it wouldn't be a problem so you have to be careful as making a big thing about it would be going back on your word.
I would feel quite lucky as he isn't doing it around you therefore your not breathing it in and because he isn't doing it around you he isn't smoking possibly as many as he could be if it was infront of you.
You could also tell him that you don't like the smell and taste of it and if he wants to continue smoking then could he consider you and pop a mint and spray something.
Hope this helps :o)
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