A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am very much in love with the man I am with. He was married before and has been divorced for a while. He was married for more than twenty years and his ex wife left him in such a way that it almost destroyed him emotionally and financially (she had an affair, took money, he is left with debts, lost everything in the divorce...that kind of situation). I always felt compassion and sympathy for him but I have always been objective too. He and also his family made his ex seem like the bad party and that he was the kind and supportive husband (which I still believe to be true, up to a point). Then yesterday I discovered that he had an affair when he was married. This shocked me, because he has such high moral principles, told me he never had an affair, all his friends always said how faithful he was, etc, etc. It isn't the fact that he had the affair that bothers me, I appreciate that awful things can happen for a variety of reasons, but that he lied to me. I have always been honest with him. I know the past is the past, but if I hadn't accidentally found out, he would never had told me. He never told his ex wife what he did, and even the woman he did see, he never had the guts to end it properly (but it has been over for years). He said he couldn't tell me because he knew I thought he was perfect and he didn't want to ruin that. All this time he has been crying the poor tale of his marriage; that's what shocked me. He has obviously said the normal stuff that he'd never do that to me.What worries me is whether he has a weakness to his character, lack of guts, and trust... I don't know if I can trust him. It is so ridiculous, it is the past...history...yet finding this out now, it is almost as if he had the affair while with me!He is the best man in my eyes I could ever hope to meet and I want to spend my life with him...but can I trust him now?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): Keep one eye open and proceed with caution
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): As the OP, I found lots of pictures of a woman and a pair of knickers; not through snooping! My other half keeps envelopes in a folder or a drawer, and I looked into a folder for envelopes and instead found this. He is unable to explain why he kept the items. He is a bit of a hoarder, but one would think it would be for the memory, though he has said that is not the case.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): Sorry, but in reality; no one is 100% honest and forthcoming about everything they've done wrong in their past-lives.
No one likes to be harshly-judged. Least of all by those you want to make the most positive impression.
Naturally, after painting such a dark picture of his ex-wife's character; your discovery doesn't reflect well on his. You don't explain how you suddenly come by this information??? So accidentally on-purpose?!!
Does he get to go snooping about in your past too?
I am in agreement with you on being suspicious of his character; since he went so far in influencing your negative
opinion of his ex. While making himself such a victim. You're obviously a level-headed fair-minded person; so you kept it all in reasonable perspective. There are always two-sides to a story; and being an uncle and adviser on DC; I always keep this in-mind when offering my advice.
It is in the past. You should have a discussion on this issue; but not wear it out. We have to be given a chance to atone for all our misgivings. Trust is something that should be earned. It should be given over-time, not dumped at someone's feet all at once.
You have secrets you may not want to publicize. You're human, and we all loathe being judged badly by other people. Especially our parents and lovers. We fear reprisal or losing something for being candid about our past. Stuff happens we are not proud to share. We'd rather bury it, move on, and try not to repeat it.
Lying about it, leaves our character to question. The truth always finds it's way to the surface. He was too busy bad-mouthing his ex. He had it coming.
When it comes to trusting people, I keep an open-mind; and allow for human-error. I'm not perfect. I've got faults and quirks like the next guy. I pay attention to warnings and red-flags; but I analyze and evaluate as I go. This comes with age and experience. So you know what I'm talking about.
In this case, he was biased and hypocritical. He was on a smear-campaign; with the objective to taint your opinion about his ex. Unfortunately; we all slant the story, when it comes to that.
I'd say, wait and see. Make it clear to him where you stand about truth and transparency within "your" relationship. Don't beat around the bush about that!
As far as his former-marriage is concerned, most of that is none of your business. It is, if he makes it his business to keep it an open topic. If I were you, I'd tell him keep his focus on me, forget about her! The jury is out, but you don't have to hold a billboard above your head to make that point. Keep it to yourself. People are more open, when they know you won't lose it when they tell the truth.
Don't allow insecurity to overrule your judgement either. You can go too far, and set standards you can't live by yourself.
If you feel too insecure to trust him, don't push the relationship any further. Catering to your undying suspicion and trust-issues will make for a miserable relationship, for the both of you.
It irritates me, when I read long stories from people complaining about how they feel "trust-issues" four to five years into a relationship; or into a marriage, two-kids later. Based on retro-active trust-issues "beginning from the time they began dating."
They know too much information from the start; but hitch the nag with a broken-leg to the wagon all the same. Expecting it to go the distance.
They actually go through with a wedding, with excruciating doubt in the back of their minds!!! Go figure! Then torture their mates until they finally split. Their breakup is tantamount to an explosion. So saturated with tension, suspicion, and distrust; it literally blows up!!!
Come on, seriously?!!!
Why would you willingly commit to someone you can't trust???
Go only as far as your trust will allow you to go. Then let trust build as he "proves" himself to be trustworthy.
I know you've been conditioned to believe, "once a cheat, always a cheat!" If the judicial system believed criminals could never make amends for their crimes, they'd all be serving life-sentences. Never released and re-introduced into society. We have to be forgiven for some wrongs we do. Given another chance to make-up for our sins and transgressions. It's only fair. You may never want to marry him, but allow him to try-out for boyfriend. Give him a trial or probationary-period, see how it goes. Reserve your feelings throughout the process. It should be slow and deliberate anyway. You'll make a mess of a hurry. Like finding juicy dirt, like you did.
If you have repeated history of being hurt by cheaters, don't torment yourself. Move on. You may be perpetuating a cycle. Take all men at face-value. Let trust build like a building under construction. One brick at a time. Until a strong structure stands. Then live up to your own standard and return the favor.
Building trust is what holds a relationship together. It won't last without it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2014): Before I respond fully, can you say how it was that you found out "by accident" that he'd had an affair?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 May 2014):
 I'm not so hung up on the lie as I figure people will reveal what they feel safe in revealing when they feel safe in revealing it. I also understand that we have all done things that we're not proud of, even things that most would consider so unlike us. It really depends on what the lie is.
In this case he sang the blues and played the victim all this time knowing that he had done the same to his wife (and you don't know what else). That's what would stick in my craw.
Having said that I think you have to be more sparing with your compliments. Excessive criticism can tear a person down, but excessive praise can set them up for unrealistic expectations and inevitable failure. Excessive sympathy can keep a person locked in whatever grief they've suffered and encourage them to see themselves as victims.
And through yours you've raised him to such a lofty place and based your love on it that, just as he feared, you're now thinking of leaving him now that you've discovered he's as human as everyone else.
Whatever you decide to do is up to you, but if you do stay with him, then I wouldn't discuss this matter again. Not his bad marriage, not his wife, not his affair and not this lie. There is nothing to be gained by having another discussion about it. But do pace yourself and be more sparing in your praise.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (24 May 2014):
 Alot of men and women do while married and before marriage. Alot of people not built on monogamy at all. Even with the playing house image its like that people make mistakes. I have my ex has too. We live we learn.
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