| A
female
,
*umped and dumped
writes: I have been single for nearly four years. i met a man with two children one adult and one 17. i get along with the kids very well. Actually the 17 year old and i have bonded so much that my boyfriend makes comments such as, what they think you're thier mom??The problem is this: since march of this year my boyfriend has been sleeping on the couch. He doesn't sleep with me but once in about four weeks. He doesn't have someone else, like there are no phone calls or anything that would make a person think he did. He won't kiss me or touch me in anyway. He treats me like i am a stranger when i drop him off at work in the mornings. He won't be physical with me at all. WE have been together for a year and a half.I think this man is playing me for all its worth I think if he loved and wanted me he would show me, no other man has ever done this type of thing to me. How long am i to let this sleeping ont he couch continue? I finally made a cot up in a different room because i refuse to sleep in our bed alone and he makes comments about it like he is pissed off, but what the hell am i suppose to do, go to bed butt ass naked to wake up alone again. this is sickening to me and i am tired of worrying about it every night. I mean he undresses in the living room and throws his pants ont he floor and grabs his blanket and off to sleepy land he goes. I pay all the bills, i take care of everything in our house so what the hell is going on? I just feel like he is making me look like a fool here. DO i do or do i die..? which way does it go either way i dont' want to loose him, but i think i lost him months ago and he just isn't man enough to tell me he is not interested and just wants to continue using me for all its worht. I am to get a big amount of money here with in weeks. He wants me to take care of some of his things. I think that would be foolish to do since the man can't and won't sleep with me or anything else..don't you?Thanks for your comments/opinion
View related questions:
at work, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (15 September 2006):
 Well if hes not going to tell you what the problem is and continues to act in this way then you really do not have a choice. He is totally selfish. Does he truly realsie what he will lose ? There is clearly something that he is not telling you. You could be right it could be an erectile problem and he doesnt know how to tell you or want to tell you but thinks its better left in his head and to deal on his own. Problem is hes shutting you out, and somebody doesnt want help you cant make them. But it doesnt excuse the fact all the nasty things he says and how he acts, perhaps he feels that by telling you he is a problem it makes him a weaker man, but you cant understand if he wont let you in. Maybe write him a letter, telling him exactly how you feel and how sad you are that things have turned out this way. He might have taken the easy stance and that is to blame you for everything rather than face he has a problem. We often do hurt the ones closest to us. None of this is an excuse to how he is treating you, but it might make you feel better if you were to write it all down, letting him know how much you do care and the fact that you do care means that you cant stay like this its tearing you apart, share it all, write everything last bit down of how you feel, he may read it and see where you are coming from and take it on board, letting him know exactly why you are leaving and why you feel that you have no future together if he persists on behaving this way, just tell him everything from the heart, by the sound of it it cant make things any worse. At least this way you get it all out and if he doesnt react you have done your best to get him to open up an this might make it easier for you in the long run.
Life is for living, shame he doesnt see that and chose to block you out and rather than embrace a future together he chose to throw it all away. You can start again and you cant be strong and move on, make your own happiness, its his loss!
Take care and good luck x
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (14 September 2006):
 Adding to my last post:
*or if it's legal in your area, you could sit his stuff outside the house and let him pick it up whenever it's convenient. But still have someone with you - like a group of friends. Just incase things get heated.*
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (14 September 2006):
Oh, this man sounds absolutly awful! I wasn't sure how serious you had tried to talk with him. HD, I would seriously get away from this man. He is dragging you down, and fast. Please, do whatever it takes to get out of this situation before he takes all of your self esteem away by stomping all over what you have left of your emotions.
I see that you write " I am not ugly or over wieght," HD, it doesn't even matter if you were. And to have to say this to try and use it as an excuse of why he should like you is terrible, you know?
None of this is your fault. This man has lead a really harsh life, it seems, and all his negativity from it has come crashing in on you. I understand what you say when you write that you wanted to show him the good side of life. Now, take that and apply it to yourself. Okay? Because right now *you* are the one who really needs it.
Don't think of him anymore. Focus on you. And don't let him make you feel bad because he has not wanted to work it out from the beginning, apparently. Seems like he would try to make you stick around just so he can keep using you.
I don't know if you both own this house, or if it's just yours (surely it can't be his, right?) If it's both, then I suggest you move in with some friends or family temporarily until you can get your own place. Make sure to move your stuff out when he's not there and have some friends there to help you. You don't want to have any confrontation with this guy when you go to do this because anything he says seems like it would be negative. And you don't want him to start acting dangerous, given how he's been so far. Once you're out, figure out how to get your name off of the lease/etc.
If the place is yours, I say kick him out. When he comes to pick up his belongings, make sure that someone is there with you - a group of friends - so he doesn't start anything. And don't let him talk you into letting him stay until he can find a place, either. Tell him he can stay with his ex, who he had to see on your anniversary (I can't believe he did that!!).
Bottom line: get rid of this creep with as little contact as possible. You don't deserve this at all.
(Also, if he does seem to change - like i stated in my last post - don't believe it. Now that I know more of the story, I've changed my mind on this part. I don't think I have to say why.)
This is going to be hard to get through, but you know - just keep thinking to yourself that this isn't going to last forever. Try to stay positive with yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, humped and dumped +, writes (14 September 2006):
humped and dumped is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess i don't know how this works and updated the answers to some of your responses, however i think it went right to answering my own question..good lord, what webs we weave.
I think you are all right in your answers and if my last posts makes it you will get more information on this..you know sometimes you need a stranger looking in on the big picture to get your answers that your blinders have hidden.. its so devasting to me to see and hear the truth of the things going on. the truth is always hurtful, but where am i not being hurt in the meantime anyways..what keeps me with him is his son i love him dearly and as the boy told me, if it weren't for you being with my dad, i would of dropped out of school a year ago..where does that leave me? He goes to school and doing good there it just all breaks my heart this is such an uncomprimisable situation that i will hurt if i stay and hurt if i leave, what is the worst of the two evils and pains..being alone is my only option; happiness isn't always part of it, but i am not happy now either..i do truely appreciate you all!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, humped and dumped +, writes (14 September 2006):
humped and dumped is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHANK YOU, YOUR A GEM!!I have told him over and over and over again, i do not like him sleeping on the couch, i have asked and asked and asked, why do you do this, what is wrong with me do i snore, do i disturb you? finally i stated to him very clearly, that i am going to move the bedroom upstairs, he tells me he doesn't like sleeping down stairs because it is too hot, well i moved everything upstair three weeks ago and he as been to bed once since then. he makes me feel like there is something wrong with me or that i am not sexually exciting to him. i feel like a loser right now and this is the first relationship i have been in since my 16 year marriage ended four years ago. I am 41 and he is 43. I wonder if he has a erectil disorder and doesn't know how to deal with it?? i have even asked that, to no avail no answer..sex isn't everything, but to feel like you are loved and appreciated does mean everything to a person. he went and spent the night, lieying about it all the way, with his sons mother on our one year anniversary that was enough at that point to get him out the door, but i gave him a chance, the things at home are no better..you know he was married and been with women who are druggies, can't keep their home clean, has never had things as good as they are. I figured if i made the attempt to set up a second bedroom and sleep on a cot that would enlighten him i don't like this one bit, but all he says is that is my way of pouting..well i think if there was a reason to pout i have got one..! I told him the three days ago exactly this when he commented that he was going to sleep on the couch again, i told him 'you had better stop that,i don't like it and it makes me mad" he had the nerve to ask me, 'well, what are you going to do?" What is that suppose to mean. Should i just let him come home to an empty house and change my number, I think that is pretty clear as to what i am going to do about it ..right..I am so sick of being alone and tired of being used that is why i got divorced. We ask for what we get when we dont' take the correct action at the time, but sometimes i am fearful of being hasty and needed you folks to assist me here and it is soooooo totally appreciated. Love does make you go blind!..thank you all for your continued answers and feedback..!!! espcially when people like me have no where else to go. I am not ugly or over wieght, i ahve been told by many i am very nice looking and can do better than that and any man would want what he has and appreciate it. This one doesn't but i hate being alone..maybe i will get a dog, that's what he told me to do if i wanted to feel loved..like HELLO should of listened that day!
...............................
A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (14 September 2006):
Honey whatever you do, dont hand over your money to him until you know where this relationship is going. Its no way to behave in a relationship. have you tried voiceing out how you feel, told him that you dont want to live like this ? This is not a relationship, nothing here is shared or comitted to together. You dont sleep together, he doesnt pay his way, you pay everything, and he just takes it for granted. How is he at other times.. it feels from what you write like you are just two people that share a house together and nothing more. If he loved you he would tell you if there was a problem, he would take steps to make things right, make sure you are okay, what on earth is he playing at! I know men can play things close to thier chest but if he is pissed off then hes gotta tell you why!! Could he be jealous of your relationship with his children ?? is he bothered so much hes turned this way ? you need to ask him all of this and why hes acting like he is and tell him that unless he makes an effort to change and to see where you are coming from your leaving. Maybe there is something he hasnt told you and cant tell you although its an odd way to go about it... but maybe his stance of staying on the couch was to get a reaction and you havent as yet given him one. YOu cant carry on like this, you have to tell him that you are not the hired help, someone to cook clean and pay all the bills, but a person that deserves his respect and his love. If he cant get off his arse and sort himself out then you really have nothing to lose. Walk tall get yourself and YOUR money together and get walking. Be strong, do not let him use you for his wants, you are not getting anything back from this so why should you give him any more!!
Take care Good luck and be strong x x
...............................
A
male
reader, Lostandalone +, writes (14 September 2006):
 The only thing that I personally suggest is to LEAVE!!! No beating around the bush and going over this thing. A man's job is to provide and protect. Leave him to his life. Even friends have more intamacy than that. Tell him how you feel and if nothing changes LEAVE!!! Good Luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (14 September 2006):
Hello,
Well I actually have heard of couples sleeping in seperate beds before. It's actually not that uncommon. But since that's not your only problem, I would say something is definitly going on in your husband's mind and things are not as great as they could be in his opinion.
You say that he has been sleeping there since March except for several times since. Does he tell you why he chooses to sleep with you in the bed when he actually decides to show up? (Or maybe it's just for sex?) If he hasn't mentioned his reasoning for coming into bed and if you don't know why, the next time he gets in ask him what he's doing there. But do it in a nice, soothing way. If you straight up ask him "What are you doing here?" then it will probably sound cold and he might get offended. They key is to try and work with his personality to see what's going on.
Now, you say that you pay ALL of the bills? Stop that. You can't keep stressing yourself out on more levels than this man is already having you do. At the very least you should be evenly splitting the bills with him. If anyone pays more than the other, then it should be him because his kid(s) is still living there. You shouldn't have to pay to raise his family, period. So I'm sorry to say that I definitly this in this area he is using you. That's a terrible for him to do to you! Put a stop to that asap.
You say you don't want to lose him. Why? What positive things does he bring into your life? I don't see any in your post. And what about the negatives? I can name a bunch just by looking at what you wrote.
Listen, I think it's great that you bonded with his child, but I also think that maybe he is acting this way because he is possibly jealous. Now jealous of what could be a more complex answer. Does he think that you are taking his place? Does he not like that you are taking his ex-wife's place? Does he think that you are closer to his child than you are to him? Of course, judging from your post he doesn't really seem like the sort of person to just blurt this out.
I suggest couples counseling. This will help you find out where the real problems lie and what you can do. Otherwise you're probably going to keep sleeping on the cot and paying the bills. It sounds to me that's more like treating the symptoms and not the actual cause. Do you see what I mean?
So I suggest trying to talk with him. If he doesn't want to open up, then work your way up to asking him to go to couples therapy. If he refuses to go, then I'm sorry to say that I think it's time you both split up. Maybe the scare of losing you will even make him realize what he is losing - he may change.
Take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): You have nothing here, dear so why are you afraid of losing this man? Look at yourself and how your 'fears' are controlling your life and making you a very unhappy woman. This man is not loving you in the way you deserve. It's time to start using your head here and putting aside those needy, heartfelt feelings for a man who seemingly doesn't care about you. I know you are close to his teen child but that doesn't mean you have reconcile yourself to a loveless, cold relationship. I'm also questioning his motives for staying in this relationship. You are providing him with a life, love and cash. I do think you are being played. It's time to be strong, sit him down and tell him how you feel and give him his 'walking' papers. You have the right to be happy and in a equally committed, loving relationship. If you don't, he will suck the life energy and everything you have to offer, right out of you, including your money. Love yourself enough to know....you will persevere, you will love again but this guy isn't the one. Good luck, hun.
...............................
A
male
reader, Herr Professor +, writes (14 September 2006):
 He works, but you pay all the bills and drive him to work. He won't do anything with physically, and treats you like a stranger. You're about to come into some money, and he needs it to pay off some of his debts. Yeah, I'd say he's playing you like a finely tuned instrument.
The next time he's ready for bed, tell him that from now on he'll be sleeping at the Super 8 Motel.
...............................
|
