A
female
age
36-40,
*laire1984
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and I am at the stage where I really don't know what to do for the best. He is a couple of years older than me and when we first got together things were great. After 6 months he asked me to marry him and I accepted. As time went on no ring appeared on my finger and when ever I tried to ask him about it he said it was just that he was saving up. About 4 months after that he admitted to me that he had never really ment to propose! Since 5then things have been strained and we fall out alot but I always go back to him because I love him, or at least I think I do. He treats me badly, not physically but emontionally I'm a wreck, sometimes he's very sweet and loving and others nasty and hurtful. I don't know where to go from here and any advice would be great. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Claire1984 +, writes (4 February 2007):
Claire1984 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA massive thank you to everyone who has posted an answer, they have given me the clarity I needed to get out. I was never sure it wasn't just me imagining things were worse than they are. Best wishes to you all x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): I am sad to say I agree with the other aunts. Your boyfriend has done a drive by jewelry store proposal in order to manipulate you into staying in a relationship with him, it is about control, not love.
Until you have a ring and a wedding date set, you are really not engaged....I think you ought to definately leave him, I know if hurts and you love him, but the depth of your feeling won't make this shallow man any deeper or have the character in a man that you want.
What he said to you, that he did not mean to propose is simply ridiculous, what he has said to you is I am a lier and you can't believe anything I say or put your trust in me, I am a free agent and things will only be on my terms.
People always tell us who they are if we will only listen.
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A
male
reader, honeyross +, writes (3 February 2007):
 Sorry to hear this
If he's treating you badly it means that your relationship has become toxic.
We often fall into these traps to 'save ourselves' from loneliness; but, in reality, the low-level emotional abuse only weakens us and makes us more open to further abuse and dependency.
His proposal probably made it seem that you were 'set up' for the forseeable future and that you were guaranteed a loving partner. The fact, though, is that you don't have a future with him, especially if you're feeling like a wreck.
Your highest duty is to yourself. It seems as if you need to be strict with yourself for your own good - try and distract yourself when you think about him, keep healthy and don't become physically vulnerable through hunger or tiredness etc because it will only fuel your emotional exhaustion.
Good luck! Be strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2007): You are young and young enough to do things on your own ie have a mortgage, a life, someone who doesn't treat you badly.
I would start again - not because he hasn't bought you the ring, but because he is making you a wreck.
Don't let it carry on as it gets harder to leave the longer you go on and the older you get.
You may lose your self confidence too -
It's up to you what you do though and those are my thoughts only
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A
female
reader, JulietteElise  +, writes (3 February 2007):
 if he is alternitively manipulitive or mentally or physicaly abusive and then so sweet, kind, apologetic, and good for a while and then bad again, then good.... he is deffitly a classic abusive boyfriend. As time goes on... things will get worse because he knows he can keep doing these things to you and you still come back. Also, has he tried to keep you from hanging out with firends, or keeps lose tabs on you when you are out with other people? If he is this as well then its deffintly time to get out, even if its hard for you to do. Also, it dosunt seem like he is going to marry you, so it would be better to get out there and find a nicer guy, who actualy treats you right. Relationships are supposed to be about love, mutual respect, understanding, and trust. People in relationships ussualy try to help the other, not try to dominate, manipulate, or control the other, esspically with mind games. You said emotionaly your're a wreck, and this is because you keep letting yourself be treated badly. You dont deserve that, noone does. Seeing a couslor or going to websites devoted to those in abusive relationships might help you get through this easyer. I'm very sorry this has happend to you, but please try to get out while you still can and before it gets worse.
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