A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How do i trust my boyfriend again after he has lied so much? My boyfriend carried on looking at other girls even though he said that he wasn't, he seen how much it was hurting me yet he continued to do it, and lie about it again and again. Now my self esteem is gone and Im wandering if he is with me because Im the best he can do, when really he wants other girls?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): Reason women get hurt so much cause we give so much in relationships and hold on too long for things that won't work out in the end. If he's not respecting you then end it, thats sending out a clear message to him and he'll properly freak out (if he loves you) and beg for you back. Try it
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes oldfool he was lying and he had an inability to keep a promise becuase it has happened so many times. i know that my self esteem needs worked on and i am taking steps to change that, but to be honest i don't think any girl would be happy if they told their boyfriend that there is a line when it comes to looking at girls. That line being its ok to notice and find women attractive because no one can help that, but if he intentionally looks at there bodies and stares in order to get a thrill then that is something you do when you are single. Some girls may be ok with that but everyone is different, but the fact that i told my boyfriend that i wasn't ok with it and asked him not to do it and he still did over and over and then lied about it shows no respect for me. It also makes me think that he just cant control himself like a horney teenager. But yet i believe he will change and dont want to give up until i give it a proper try, thanks.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 You say that he is lying. When you say that, do you mean he ogled girls and said he wasn't doing it? That's called lying. Or do you mean he said he wouldn't do it again and he did? That's called an inability to keep a promise. There is a difference.
It's interesting that you say the girls he looks at are all "tacky looking fake girls". It seems that he is concentrating on the overtly sexual aspect. It could be the old Madonna/whore thing. Perhaps he finds these sexy looking girls attractive precisely because they advertise a cheap kind of sexuality. It doesn't necessarily mean he would consider one as a serious partner.
Besides his behaviour, I think we need to think about the self-esteem issues that you raise. I'm sure a lot of girls would be bothered or annoyed by their man overtly ogling other women, but could possibly write it off as "boys will be boys", without any damage to their self-esteem. The fact that it is causing you such severe problems with your self-esteem seems to me as much a problem as his admittedly juvenile and insensitive behaviour.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to let people know that it isn't me being being over protective i know my last post was short. There is more to it, i gave him the opportunity to tell the truth and i just wanted to understand his side. We have talked about it many times and i was always telling him it is fine to find girls attractive but i don't want him to oggle them in a sexual way. I found out he was doing that and i told him how it hurt me and asked him to stop, but he continued and he has lied so many times. Another thing is all the girls he tends to look at are opposite to me, really tacky looking fake girls. I think that it has something to do with his own insecurities and i think he need to grow up a bit, he id 24 and still acts like he is 18. Every time i talk to him he promises he will change and i believe that he does want to. I know i have to work on my self esteem also any further feed back would be great thanks.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (1 May 2008):
To amplify a little.
As a girlfriend once said to me: "I don't care where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home!"
Guys will look at girls' figures, there's no doubt about it. You should regard this as a purely aesthetic pursuit, enjoying beauty for beauty's sake :) Why don't you join in with him, enjoying the sights together, commenting on their hairdos, figures, and clothes. Don't be catty, just enjoy it with him. (I used to do that when I was walking down the street with a lesbian friend!) While you're doing it, you might casually also check out the other guys and comment on their nice butts or whatnot. (That might elicit a slightly different reaction!)
Anyway, what I started out wanting to say is that there's a big difference between looking AT girls and catching other girls' eyes. That's the real danger. If you find him catching girls' eyes (it's harder to tell, but you'll know when you see girls looking towards you for no particular reason), then you know you've got a player on your hands. I know this from experience, because I had a girlfriend once who used to get looks from men in the street. It was only later that I realised she had been catching their eye. Unfortunately, you can't see that if you're beside the person, because you can't see what kind of look they're giving to people around you.
So I can only say, relax a little. Looking at girls is just a way of appreciating the world and getting an appetite!
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (1 May 2008):
Men will always look at other girls, even if it's out the corner of their eyes.
I realise that many girls find it annoying or objectionable, but I think it's better to save your anger for bigger matters. It's not a threat to your relationship and it isn't going to stop that easily. Making an issue of it only pushes him into a corner and, even worse, ends up causing him to lie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Well this is not serious problem. U r feeling so bcauz you are too possessive. take it easy yaar. Itz a natural thing. An boy will looking at a girl if she is pretty. They are boys. They can do anything. U be bothered only if he moves about with those girls. Otherwise take it casually. If he hurts you too much by doing so, then you purposely look at other boys in front of him so that he may know how much it hurts....
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A
male
reader, Kevorkian  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Ummm.... First off, this isn't your fault. Second, doing the same thing he is doing to get him back will only result in a competition I don't think you want. It isn't healthy and it is childish.
Communication is the key here. Your post is short and vague, but there is obviously a lack of trust from you. You have to trust your significant other or it won't work.
You need to talk to your sig other and get things out in the open. If you cannot, seek counseling, it really is a good thing and if you want this to work, you will have to do something.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Men are naturally going to look at other girls... same that girls look at other guys, but if he's looking at them in a way that he would rather be with them, then, he shouldn't be with you in the first place. I had the same problem....my bf always comments on how hot this girl is or who he thinks it cute, quite frankly it bothered me a lot and my self esteem got really low. It made me think that he would rather go be with them than me. I had a talk with him about it and he just kept saying that I need to stop being so jelous. That right there got me upset! No girl likes her guy looking at other girls in a sexual way whether they want to be with them or not. But he made it quite clear that he wants to be with me and only me. If your guy doesn't tell you that he wants to be with you and ONLY you then I don't think that it's a relationship that you want to be in.
Hope that I could help some and I hope your relationship goes well whatever you decide.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Hi there,
I wonder if its because the post is so short but I have not seen any bigger indication of a total lack of self confidence than you have presented here.
You don't like your boyfriend looking at girls, do you mean trying to hit on them or do you mean actually using his eyes and noticing girls. I fear it is the latter, you cannot stop somebody from looking at anything, and while it is inappropriate if he were to make comments or stare at a girl while with you ( or without for that matter ) I gather he isnt doing this just simply looking - you are trying to control him and that is not good.
the only result of this is he will eventually get fed up and leave you. Which with your level of self confidence is something I imagine you expect to happen.
I suggest seeing a counsellor, this type of behaviour will lead to a lifetime of failed relationships if you let it carry on. You need to talk to someone .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Or maybe this *isn't* all your fault. Geez..
Anyway. It's his choice to lie to you, which sounds like that's what is really bothering you. Make it known how you feel. Ask him how it would make him feel if you did to him what he's doing to you - maybe even check out other guys when he'll notice to drive the point home. If he doesn't at least make an effort to stop a behaviour that you've made him aware is hurting you, you need to break it off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): If your whining and nit-picking him, that maybe cause for the eyes to wander. I have found I do this if the relationship is not caring, loving, compassionate and intimate, along with trust of each other.
If I'm always having to answer to why I do things a certain ways, or do things period, I will not feel trusted and my eyes will wander. I recognize this wondering at others, becuase they are new, like you and he once were, and a wish to get back to that time period.
You need to review what you've done and how that may have impacted him. Does it make him more distant?
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