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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend is 48. And I am getting more and more despondent and discouraged with this relationship, as time goes on. He keeps on making hurtful, digging little remarks about any flaw, on my body. I had cancer surgery back in 1993 and I have a scar, on my abdomen. He hates looking at that. I am not perfect..but I am not repulsive. But I am beginning to feel this way. Do you think it's time to cut him loose because I am not sure I love him, for what he does to me. I look at this as emotional abuse. I had been married (over 20 years) and in other relationships, prior to this man and have never had anyone, say such disparaging remarks about the way I look. I have gotten to the point where I won't allow him to look at me! Is the way he behaves, normal? Do a lot of men want that 'perfect 10 body' so bad that they can't look beyond the flaws on their women and see 'who she is' deep within? Can anyone help me understand?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (6 November 2006):
 LOL but as far as the squid thing, Lemonpixie said that yesterday and I keep looking at my husband and giggling. Anyway keep us posted on how things are going for you, you're a nice lady.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Eyeswideopen,
Squid? That is so funny! Ha. This reminds me of a joke, I heard a long time ago. It goes like this.
Why do men name their penises? A: They don't want a stranger making 90% of their decisions for them. (hehe)
Thanks or the the laugh and the support, Eyes.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 November 2006):
Tell him his penis looks like a squid (per Lemonpixie) then show him the door! Good luck with your new life. You go girl!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, dear Mand. You words of kindness and support have meant so much to me. I am always amazed at the good things in this world, Mand..one these things being your genuine compassion. What a dearheart, you are. Thanks again xxoo
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female
reader, mand +, writes (6 November 2006):
it makes me so mad to read to other things you have posted on this site, yes after your cancer you have been given a new lease of life so use it, i can guarantee your family and friends will be right behind you supporting you all the way, you need to start enjoying your life, and having a brand new start with no holdbacks, you are a very strong person to have got through the cancer, so you are strong enough to make a new life for yourself, YOU CAN DO IT......... AND YOU DESERVE TO BE 110% HAPPY with no hold backs, go for it girl LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULL
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female
reader, mand +, writes (6 November 2006):
YOU ARE PERFECT and this is what you need to keep telling yourself the one who isnt perfect is your partner, WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? i suppose youve had the NO MAN WILL EVER WANT YOU JAGA............ well dont you listen, you will be wanted and he is trying to drill this into your head (and it is working) this is probably what he is so scared of and he thinks by doing what he is doing you will never leave him, but you can do so much better beleive me, i was in a very similar relationship with my ex and i broke free...... i am now remarried to a wonderful man who adores me and my 2 daughters to my previous marriage, he is fantastic and i have never looked back and you can do it too, break free and live your life and enjoy yourself, hope this helps you xxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Xena. I told him about an hour ago, my thoughts on what he says to me. And he threw it back at me once again "that I am to blame because I have the problem, not him". I have given up and come to realize that this man is pathetic and will never face up to his own insecurities about himself, his own pain and his abuse. Suddenly he denies ever saying anything demeaning to me! So on top of the abuse, I am now dealing with a frickin liar.
Today in the car we were going shopping and he made a rude remark about the way, I had my makeup on. Apparently I had a teeny clump of mascara on my corner eyelash and he didn't like it! I just looked at him and said, "Then don't look at me because I don't really care about a damned clump of mascara". He shut the hell up...quite quickly! lol
The most painful thing about all this, is his remarks about my body and my surgery scar. That surgery scar represents a bittersweet renewal of my life. It's my testament to a lot of tears, a lot of pain and suffering but I would do it over and over again to have the chance to live and love my children. I was given a 2nd chance by the big guy, upstairs. When my youngest son was just a baby of about a year old, I was diagnosed with cancer all through my reproductive organs. It was such a fast growing cancer that immediate surgery was required to save my life. Had I waited another week or two, I would not be here to write this. The cancer would have spread through my entire body. Yes I have this scar on my body, but I was here to watch my two older children grow up, I was able to be here to mother and raise my baby son, who is now an amazing, honor roll student in high school. Life doesn't get much better than that. I have gratitude and a wonderful appreciation for all the people who loved and supported me through this hard time in my life. My children especially.
So when this man, came into my life and viewed my cancer scar with distaste and scorn...to me that only said how much he disrespects me, my life and what I represent, how much he's incapable of love, how cruel and utterly self-centered he truely is. Yes I am better off without him. One thing I will always have, that he will never have, is the love of my children..my family and my wonderful life. Thanks for listening one and all. XXOO I appreciate you all so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. dear Aunts! He has done this to me so many times and each time..he kills a bit of my love for him. I have set boundries by asking him to stop but each time he says..'I am the whacko and this is my hang up, not his'. Well, I always was a good, caring, decent woman..and never had problems with body image until he started doing this. In fact, in prior relationships, I was told some very complimentary things about the way I looked. I go to the gyn 4 X per week and look after myself! So this is why I have a hard time with his nastiness...it is emotional abuse, plain and simple. The irony..is he's a big man, himself and never, ever once..have I said one disparaging remark to him! I think it's time...to just tell him to move on..I don't need this crap. Too many nice men out there who likely would appreciate a smart, caring, strong woman, who has a nice fit figure! Talley-ho...thanks again, appreciate your input
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reader, Rainee +, writes (5 November 2006):
 Actually, my dear, in good relationships a partner doesn't care about how the other looks--if they truly care for someone, they don't see the flaws or just they overlook them for what counts, like charactar and brains. The only exception is when they care about someone's health ("Honey, I love you no matter what, but you're 100 lbs overweight and I worry about you having a heart attack").
If all this man cares about are your flaws, it means he doesn't really care about YOU. Cut him loose.
GL
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2006): I think your man has problems... and you know he has problem. You are better out of this relationship before he permanently damages your self-esteem.
Good luck dear.
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