A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Please bare with me. IM so confused and really need advice from everyone and anyone. I have been talking to this guy for about 3 months. We talked a few years ago as well but we lost contact due to an ex trying to sabotage us.Anyway, back to the subject. we been talking for 3 months. We agreed to take things slow because we do not want to rush into anything. We hardly ever argue but when we do its usually about the fact that he is afraid I'm going to do something to hurt him and vise versa. It was hard getting him to talk to me about his feelings but eventually did (doesn't talk about his feelings!) and we worked it out. He rarely says sweet things to me and when he is I never know what to say because it hardly happens. We are always joking around on each other, laughing, almost never serious unless I'm upset and he talks to me, vise versa and unless he's questioning about my feelings for him.Usually I'm the one to ask where we stand, what type of relationship do we have, and I'm always left just as confused as before but this time he asked me. I told him I want him to make the decision. And he started to tell me how he feels stuck on me, that things are different because he's use to his relationships happening a certain way but its not falling in that order, he thinks I would be an amazing gf and he's in love with me. He said he doesn't want to be clingy but he wants to know what I'm doing al the time and that's why sometimes he doesn't call me until later. He does things for me that he has never done for any other girl, like writing me a love letter(he's visiting family for a month!) and sending me cute voicemails when I do not answer the phone, lol trying to do my make up and paint my nails! He knows Im a virgin so he has never pushed sex with me. We were on the phone when he put me on hold but I guess he accidentally put us on 3 way so I heard his conversation ( I felt bad so I eventually put the phone down and stopped listening ). But his friend kept talking about how he saw the guy im talking to, ex girlfriend around and stuff and I heard him say that he use to miss her all the time but now its weird that she hasn't crossed his mind months. and His friend said what are you talking about, and he told him about me and how amazing he thought I was and other things. His friend told him he was going soft and that's when I decided to stop listening. anyway. He "transferred over" the phone call and apologized, told me his friend called, and then he said to me..im scared to be with you because this is so real. I've never had this. we fell asleep on the phone together.Anyway the next day he called me that night and he said yo, please just ignore everything I said to you yesterday, idk why I was acting like that. And then I asked him where we stand and he avoided the subject all together he's avoiding the subject of his feelings. He's acting like it never happened. Why is he pretending it never happened? Why hasn't he asked me out yet? Why doesn't he tell me how he feels ? Why did he say all those things to me and then tell me to forget them? I'm so confused!
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 If a guy says to me he's scared of getting hurt, I don't take it as a sign of go ahead, I would feel that he can't handle emotions in a relationship and it's best that he's single for a while. I can imagine when you are with him he would check on you so much, he would always look for reassurance. Basically very high maintenance that you can't relax when you take time out doing things alone. He sees you as good girlfriend material. Doesn't ask you out because he doesn't feel he is at a good point in life to have a relationship. He's expressing feelings not expecting you to do anything, but rather he needs to get it out of his system.
I had a guy who opened up to me about his hyper sensitivity and his anxiety. But he put himself out there for dating so I thought I just had to trust him that he's ready. Wrong. I wished I just said to him, the moment he's pulling that scared card, "just don't bother and go home. Why are you even here?" I wasted three months investing feelings and trying to understand and comfort what is in fact a bottomless pit of despair.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): Let me tell you something. After a while men start dreading these "we need to talk" "where do we stand?" moments like root canals. Quit while you are ahead. You are already receiving diminishing returns. Soon you will drive him away altogether.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): He has told you, he has told you he loves you, you know he wants to be with you and you know he's scared of getting hurt.
Maybe the reason he changed his mind is because by not telling him how you feel when he did you basically rejected him.
Not every guy makes the move OP, he basically opened up to you and you did nothing. I mean he's told you he's scared of getting hurt which means you're supposed to assure him it's safe to go ahead and yet you haven't done that.
Or maybe he was drunk or something.
OP, stop waiting for shit to happen and make it happen. You're both too cautious here and one of you has to make the move. Tell him how you feel, tell him you want to be with him and get this done.
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