A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My previous boyfriend and I, both 22 and never married, had been dating for almost 2 years. During out realtionship, I took him to a hockey game on Valentines Day, and he got a call from a random girl. I asked him who it was, and he said it was a girl that his friend introduced him to at the bar. I was fairly hurt that he never mentioned anything about meeting another girl, but then he told me he only had her number because his married friend wanted to keep in touch with her, but didn't want his wife to know. Anyway, he eventually confessed that he had given her his number on his own- but swore that nothing had happened, he wasn't interested and so on, just that she had asked for it and he didn't want to be mean. We broke up about a month ago, and recently we hooked back up. Before we hooked up I asked him to tell me if he had been with anyone, and he looked into my eyes and told me he hadn't so much as met a girl. I wanted to be cautious for health reasons. A few days ago, he confessed to me that he had lied when he told me he hadn't fooled around. And not only had he lied about it, it was the girl he had given his number to when we were together. I feel betrayed that he told me nothing was going on with her, when there clearly was something because he took action when we broke up. And I also, obviously, feel very very betrayed that he lied to me. Now he's asking forgiveness, and I forgave him for my sake. He wants to get back together and is trying everything. He says he'll even move somewhere with me so we can get away from everything, he says he'll change his lifestyle. I know you're all going to say dump him, but seriously, what should I do?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (18 May 2007):
 Do you really think its ok for someone to lie just because they don't like the reaction they get?
No, not at all. It is STILL wrong to lie.
Some people though get lied to ALL THE TIME BY EVERYONE, and at some point they have to look at if everyone around them is a lair, or if they act in a way that makes telling them the true difficult. From what you have clarified, it seems you were more than reasonable.
As for the cheating...IF there was a "slipt up", both of you would be free to see others. Even if it was "fast", it is still not cheating. It is only cheating IF it happened while you were together. That is the way I see it.
-Frank B Kermit
franktalks.com
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses:) They are definitely different from what I expected.
You don't think its betrayal that he told me nothing was going on with that girl when we were together, but in all reality there was- he just took the steps as soon as he was free.
So how do I know he won't continue to lie? I freaked out at first, but once I settled down I forgave him and thanked him for being honest and we went from there.. Do you really think its ok for someone to lie just because they don't like the reaction they get?
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (16 May 2007):
Well lying to you is not right, but it is not like he cheated on you. You were broken up, and you both were free to see other people. In truth, just because you ask about who he has been with does not mean he must tell you. He should not have lied, but who you both are with, when you are not in a relationship together is no one's business. He needs to learn to say: None of your business.
Next, this is the second time he lies to you. I have to ask if you present yourself as the type of person that freaks out when someone is honest. How do you act when someone is being honest with you? Do you act in a way that will make them comfortable being honest with you again? Please consider that.
-FBK
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (16 May 2007):
 I wouldn't dump him. He's been honest with you that he made a mistake and he's making a huge effort to try and correct that mistake with him. But for your relationship to work you have to be able to forgive him and trust him again and if you can't do that then your relationship will fail so really he's made the change and now you need to decide whether you're willing to forgive him or not because that's the real issue here.
CD
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