A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am confussed. I had an established long distance relationship of 9 months (meaning at one point we decided the girlfriend/boyfriend issue and we had daily communication for all that time)and after last time he came to visit me (we had an amazing time like always) he left and never called back. I finally got him to call me after 2 months and he said that he decided it wasn't going to work out (I am sure there is no one else). He said the only two options were to live together, or to break up. Since it was a great relationship (his words)he didn't see any other way to break up but to cut off all communication because ultimately he could not commit and ask me to marry me or to move there. I've never talked about these things to him. He suggested a few times that I would have to move there in the near future and things of that nature. Last time I talked to him he said he was afraid that I wanted more than what he wanted. And what he wanted was only "conversation and sex." I was really happy with him and I thought things were going great. I was shocked he would say something like that. I thought we both felt strongly about each other. He did all the persuing and calling from day one. I never said anything but show my affection and my happiness to be with him or to hear from him. I really thought our future was together but I never suggested anything until he stopped talking to me and only then I let him know I would be willing to move there in the future if that was what he wanted. My question is the following: when someone is happy, comfortable, trusting, easygoing and satisfied in a relationship like I was, would that be an indication to him that I felt we were right for each other and I freaked him out and scared him away? Would it be so obvious that in my heart I thought we would spend the rest of our life together just because our relationship was everything I always thought it would be when the right person came along? I am puzzled and I think maybe I am just plain crazy without the perception to see I had no reasons to think our relationship was awesome.
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female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (18 August 2007):
 Oh, this sounds so much like what I recently went through. It is my story to almost every bit.
Yes, it is very confusing. You think everything is alright and then all of sudden you are left hanging, what happened? I don’t think you were just plain crazy. Not at all. There is no way you could have foreseen this. Of course you were thinking all was awesome and fine as that was what he showed you.
My ex gave me same words, all or nothing. I told him all and that I was looking for ways for us to be able to be closer to each others and meet more often. He then told me he thought I was too involved and he wanted to back off to not hurt me. And like with you, he was the one who had done most of the pursuing. Even though I was not all passive waiting, he was definitely the more eager one. I now have a feeling that maybe he burned himself out somehow. Or didn’t even think from the beginning that it would be anything lasting and when finally noticing I felt differently, he backed off.
I think it was very bad behaviour of your man not to talk to you. He had the chance to speak about his feelings when you last met, or he could have called you right after if he was too afraid to talk to you in person. It shows that he either is a true coward or that he actually didn’t care much about your feelings. I’m sorry.
And to answer your question, it is not wrong to show your love and affection the way you did after so many months. It doesn’t sound that you were hoping for anything more than anyone in your situation would do. You didn’t do anything wrong in this. I think he led you on to believe he had corresponding feelings for you.
I think you should tell him how you feel. Write a letter, then you will have the time to formulate and he will have time to think it over on his own. Even though one might think everybody should know how much it hurts to be led on for so many months and then be left with absolutely no contact, I start doubting. I think you should calmly write to him that this was not ok, that it hurt you a lot, tell him that it was not ok for him to treat you like that. Then you should get him out of your head and heart and start looking for someone who really cares for you. You deserve that.
Good luck and best wishes!
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