A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles. I’m hoping you can give me some advise. I met an older man a few month ago. He has two children and he sees one of them quite often which I fully understand and I never say anything to him about when he sees them. We both have jobs that involves a lot of travelling so we don’t see a lot of each other. Maybe a few days together a month. The time we do spend together is really good and we enjoy each other’s company. The thing is, it’s all on his terms. If I suggest meeting, he always makes an excuse but deep down the truth is, he just doesn’t want to see me. We message and call each other all the time and he tells me how much he misses me and can’t wait to see me and how much he loves me but his words seem a bit empty. I know he has insecurities with the age difference but I reassure him that I’m not going to walk away and that I see a future with him. I just don’t understand why he only wants to see me when it’s convenient for him. I just don’t understand him.
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male
reader, kenny  +, writes (24 November 2021):
 By your own admission you say that deep down he just does not want to see you. Why are you clinging onto this relationship which is bringing you nothing but heartache.
If your really into someone then you make every effort to see them, go out of your way to be with them and enjoy every waking minute. He is not actually seeing you, but leaving you dangling with words, words like he can't wait to see you, which quite frankly mean nothing.
I can't see things changing anytime soon so i think you should maybe end things with him and move on and find someone who actually wants to be with you. You deserve better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2021): I would say he is "breadcrumbing" you which means that he tell you lovely, sweet things, but then keeping you at arms' length. He just wants to keep you there for when he's ready. It's cruel and I can empathise.
I am also in a relationship with an older man, and, it's true to say that they can be set in their ways. I had to have a conversation with him years ago over this very issue. I felt like I was on the outskirts of his life. He saw me when he was available. He doesn't have kids, but he wanted to live his life how he wanted it without feeling responsible for others.
After a year or more of this, I told him that I wanted commitment, love and time from him. I told him I didn't want a half-hearted situation anymore and that if he can't give me what I need (notice word "need" not "want". We all have needs in relationships) that he had to let me go and let me find someone who could give me what I needed. We split for a few weeks so we could both get our heads together. He came to the conclusion that he didn't want to lose me and didn't want to see me with someone else so he made efforts to change. He had to. I wasn't putting up with that anymore. If he wanted me, he had to put the work in.
In my case, he realised that he had kept me out of his life because he is naturally self-reliant and doesn't let people "in" easily. Look up attachment styles - it helped me understand.
He's made efforts to change but we have had to compromise. You have to have balance. I have accepted the fact that he needs to be able to do his own thing but we now make the time together which we didn't have before. He puts in effort he didn't before.
During the time he is doing his own thing, it gives me opportunity to do my own thing. We see each other 4 times a week but we do our own things on the other days. It works for us. You have to work out what you need from him, and how much. Personally, this arrangement suits me as I have a child from a previous relationship and other engagements.
I would have a conversation with him about it, as I did, and give a sort of ultimatum. You need more effort from him and there's no shame in that so dont let him make you think otherwise. He needs to decide what he wants, the current situation cant go on. It will eat away at you.
You have value. If you have to walk away after this conversation with him, walk away. You deserve someone's time, effort and love. If he can't give you those things, walk away. You need to also decide what YOU want. See yourself as high-value. If he's not giving you what you need, find someone who will. You deserve good things. I hope this helps X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2021): Am sorry to have to say this but it is clear to me that this guy does not see you as a girlfriend or a life partner, or a serious relationship, but he tells you that to keep you hooked. I am sure that when you do meet up there is sex, and that is what he wants you for. He knows you well enough to realise that if he did not speak of love etc you would be put off, because you are not a booty call type of woman. Guys who figure this out realise they have to PRETEND and SAY all of the right things to put you off of realising that they only want you for a booty call. Let's face it you are younger than him, you are doing him a favour seeing him at all in many ways. Most women would want a guy who is a lot older or a guy who is usually too busy, its no better than sitting around for a married man. But in a way it is worse because he gets times he could see you and chooses not to.
I don't think he has any intention of choosing one over the other, he prefers to have a collection and variety. He also likes it when you keep telling him how you feel! You play right into his hands, massaging his ego and making him feel special, when he does none of that for you.
Y
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2021): Words are cheap! Are empty?.
Someone who spends a few days with you might be bought by other women.
Is this what u want?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 November 2021):
 You are an entertainment and occasional companion, not a potential long-term partner to him.
My guess is that he ONLY sees you on his terms because it SUITS him to hold the "power" over when you get to spend time with him in person. And, you also don't get to know him as deeply as you might someone you spend 5 days a week with. He might think that most women don't want someone like him. So he only sees you in short bursts but is very lovey-dovey over tech because THAT is "low investment- high return". (as in he doesn't have to be open with you, he can tell you sweet nothing and platitudes and STILL get you to want to be with him.
It's only been a few months. But let's be realistic. Is this really what you want? Someone you spend a FEW DAYS a month with? How are you really going to get to know him? Over tech? You know how EASY it is to be nice, sweet, caring over tech, a few cute nothings, some emojis, maybe a pic or two. IT DOESN'T help you really get to know what kind of person he is.
You don't know if he really CAN be a future partner.
I am wondering why you are so gung ho on dating this older man who doesn't SEEM to want to see you in person a whole lot. Regardless of work and travel. I'd think ANYONE at ANY age would want to make as much EFFORT as possible to spend time with a new potential love interest as possible!
"If I suggest meeting, he always makes an excuse but deep down the truth is, he just doesn’t want to see me."
How can you say you WANT to build a future with him when THIS is how you feel about him? And him possibly about you?
This guy is wasting your time.
I wouldn't be surprised if he is also seeing one or more other women until he "chooses" one of you all. Hence why he doesn't want to spend more time in person with you. He is "spreading" himself a bit thin as it is.
It's only been a few months and he tells you he loves you... but does he SHOw this love? Words are cheap OP.
I think you can do better.
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