A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend never wants to have children, and I absolutley do, and lives a lifestyle I know I would not be happy with living in the future. (he is a porn director!) I know he won't change and I know I can't change him. For now I have a fantastic time with him, we get along great and everything is amazing! Do you think it's possible for me to stay truly happy with him knowing in my mind this isn't going to marriage? Recently I have been secretly having this feeling of wanting him to want to have kids with me and want to give up his job for me, but I know I don't really want that! I know logically it's not right for me to want to change a grown man but I think I just want to feel like I'm special enough to change him , which I know is stupid. What do you think? How can I get over this and just enjoy the present for what it is for now?
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female
reader, naughty girl  +, writes (3 April 2010):
If a man says he doesn't want children you need to believe them and respect their wishes. To want children or to not want children is major. There are so many men out there why have you picked one that never wants to have children. Basically if you stay with him you will have to compromise on something that is paramount to your life. Your wasting your time, move on. Its not as if there is a shortage of men out there!
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (2 April 2010):
 I think that which issues are considered "dealbreakers" are relative, but if it involves a major lifestyle choice, the rule of thumb is that you should agree with one another.
Most people have very strong feelings on the subject of children, because children change your life in such a profound way. I'm still unsure as to whether I want children.
However, I know in my heart that I would NEVER marry a man who doesn't like animals. For me, a guy who hates pets would be a dealbreaker and I refuse to marry anyone like that. Some people are afraid of animals, and I'm certainly not putting down those people, but I'm not afraid of any animal; I can't live without pets.
I *hate* it when people tell me that one day I'll change my mind. I know my own heart, and I know that I *can't* be happy without a pet. But, I understand why people tell me this... pets aren't a big deal to some people, the way they are to me... and non-pet people have a hard time understanding how we in the other camp feel.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (2 April 2010):
I don't think that a relationship can work out in the long term if you all have such drastically different goals about children. It's one thing to disagree about politics, music or religion... if you wrote and said, "I like Obama and he voted for Mc Cain," or, "I love country and he likes rap." If one of you is Catholic and one of you is Jewish, I'd say that, "this could work out."
However, there are some issues on which you have to see eye to eye in order for a relationship to work... one of them is children.
If you're sure that you want kids, and he's sure that he doesn't, but you marry him, hoping he will change, you're setting yourself up for heartbreak.
None of this means that you aren't special. It's just a fact of life, you have to take people as they are. If people do change, then it has to come from within, and there is nothing anyone can do to change another person.
Having a kid seems to mean a lot to you, and if you marry this guy, at least one of you is going to be unhappy. In my opinion, he's not "the one."
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 April 2010):
This is over. You're trying to change him. It won't work. He doesn't want kids, and you don't like his job. You either accept someone for who they are, or you move on.
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A
female
reader, i'm always here +, writes (2 April 2010):
What you should both care about most is making eachother happy. If he enjoys his job then it wouldn't be wise to make him give it up as it may cause an upset in your relationship. Possibly ask him to show you some of his work and show him that you have an interest in what he does, even though this may not be your most favourable job in the world! Staying truly happy knowing in your mind that it's not leading to marriage is really up to you. Do you love him? That's all you need to know. If you are certain that he loves you equally then why does it have to result in marriage? If you are both comitted to eachother and you feel truly happy when with him, then that's all you need.
Your feeling of wanting a baby with him is natural. This means that you have reached the stage in your relationship where you are ready for more and you know that he could be 'the one'. You may have reached this happy stage, but maybe he hasn't just yet. Just give him time to realise your feelings. Show him Just how much you love him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2010): you are going to end up deeply hurt. In your mind you know theres no future but in your heart, you are already hoping for more. These issues are deal breakers... leave now, or enjoy what you have as temporary. Do NOT try to change him. That just isnt right. Good luck, mal
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (2 April 2010):
 Why is your desire for children and marriage something you need to "get over"? Those are normal desires that can offer you a lifetime of companionship, happiness and passion. Maybe instead of suppressing your desires and prolonging the inevitable, you should consider breaking up with this guy, as hard as I am sure it will be, and going after things you really want. I agree that you probably can't change him, and thoughts that you can are most likely fantasy. Your desires expressing themselves, as they always will, one way or another. I don't think you can be happy this way. I hope you can find the courage to try for what you really want! Good luck :-)
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