A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Ok since when is it the man turning down the woman for sex? I'm an attractive female and my boyfriend has always said that he finds me attractive. When we first started dating, we were pretty physical, but after the first 6 months, we've hardly had any physicality at all. I really want more out of our relationship. I've attempted so many times that I get so sexually frustrated! We have a great relationship other than the physical part, and I think it's a major part of a relationship, but he doesn't seem to think so. It seems like if we argue, it's always about this. He's told me that I have to be more obvious and tell him, so I've even attempted that. However, then he uses what I think are excuses any like, "my back hurts", headache, "I'm trying to watch this show".... I've even told him I'd be happy if we were physical once a week, but as it is, I'm pretty lucky if we even have sex once a Month! Am I being unreasonable or is this pretty reasonable? I know we don't live together (but we both live in the same town) and we both have school, but I still think that we should be able to make the time for the physical part of our relationship. There have been times lately where I've wanted to just have sex with some random guy because I felt so sexually deprived. I've even told my boyfriend that if he doesn't satisfy me physically then maybe I might have to be promiscuous, but he was like "oh so you want to cheat on me?" and yeah, but then isn't that like warning him that he does need to be more physical? He has nothing to worry about, he's VERY well endowed and he has no trouble satisfying me when we are physical, so why does he keep turning me down over and over again? The other thing that bugs me is that he never tries to initiate the physicallity. Any suggestions on what he's thinking or what I should/shouldn't do? Any advice from anyone would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2008): Dear Poster
Don't feel alone, there are lots of couples suffering with the same problem, and not just couples that have simply lost their appetite for sex as they have grown older, but also young couples. Any discussion of a loss of sex drive is difficult and it can be tricky. Our libido is influenced by the levels of the circulating male hormone testosterone. Who do you compare yourself with and what is normal? Fixed ideas about what the "norms' are for intercourse frequency, time to orgasm etc are not only misleading but dangerous, as normal for any given couple is what is normal and acceptable to them. SO you think he might have lost his interest in sex; then it is important to start with the question" what in fact has been lost?" Sometimes, a person who wants sex less often with a partner may simply be enjoying it less with that particular person; perhaps sex has become boring or uninteresting; perhaps they have fallen out of love; they may be masturbating more then usual because the relationship is just not working well. Genital sex is normally the bystander that gets knocked down once the relationship runs out of control or experience problems. So before you decide what is the cause of the lack of sex drive; it might be good to look and see if you identify with any of the main reasons. Should you identify with any you will know where and what to pay attention to and then you can start working on what can be done to enhance his lack of libido.
Medical reasons:
Drugs,such as: Sleeping tablets; Steroids in high doses; some anti-high blood pressure pills; some duiretics; some angina drugs; Depression; Rheumatoid or osteoarthritis; chronic anaemia; some cancers; chronic backache; kidney failure; and many others can reduce a person sex drive. The drugs that such people take can add to their problems as many of the drugs can actually produce chemically induced lack of libido. Physical and mental exhaustion: Lack of sleep; prolonged heavy work; inner unconscious anxieties and conflicts;
Psychological reasons: Stress; life crisis such as bereavement; bad experience; Inhibitions; guilt, about something that was done such as extramarital affair;
Relationship causes: Falling out of love; Affairs
I suggest that you will benefit from counseling and sex therapy; however, you could also try some do-it- yourself therapy before going to a professional.
1. Stop having sex.
Give intercourse a complete rest. No pressure around it.
2. Restore your sex drive..
Make your lives more erotic; read erotic books; watch sexy videos; share your sexual fantasies with each other; massage each other; go on romantic outings/holiday
3. Increase masturbation. (Jointly and mutual)
4. Start courting your partner again.
5. Get to know your genitals again. Make use of sex aids and toys to please each other genitally(no intercourse).
6. After about 4 weeks; start with foreplay and then at about 6 weeks proceed with intercourse.
If you have tried the above and it did not help; I am afraid then you have no alternative but COUNSELING and SEX THERAPHY.
I have to warn you that sexual compatibility is very important in a longterm relationship and marriage and suggest you do try and have this problem resolved before considering marriage.
Also,I don't think you have to ask him, maybe just indicate to him, take the initiative. (Most men really enjoys that if the women takes the lead occassionally).
Tease him; flirt with him; send him a sexy text message; organise a romantic dinner, waring very little or no under wear under neath your clothes, make sure he does notice it, do something obscure, to give him a flash;
vow, there is so many ways, to get him triggered,
even if just in bed, start holding him, fondling him; take hold of his penis, hold it, gently play with it...........
You do not always have to express yourself verbally!
Hmmmmmmmmm get ready for the enjoyment!
Good luck.
Best wishes; hope this can be of assistance to you. Keep us posted.
A
female
reader, sabrinanicola  +, writes (23 November 2008):
ok, try dressing up for him, or adventuring outside, make a suprise visit wearing something very sexy, good idea if infront of his friends so he cannot turn you down!! (obviously wear a coat over your sexy clothing)
I don't know what your sex is like, but is it pretty much the same thing? maybe hes bored? Try something new, don't ask him for sex, cause maybe he feels a bit inadequete? He should be the one asking you. Go out together more, after dinner and drinks you never know on the way home........
Hope this helps a little
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