A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a couple of years and nothing has changed as far as our sex lives go. He has a very high sex drive and is very demanding when he wants it and any time of the day or night will do. That is not the problem. When we engage in sex there is no forplay and he has the urgency to get on with the job and climax. When I try to tickle my clitoris while on the job he restrains my hand and tells me to wait until he is done then promptly falls into a deep sleep. I am left feeling frustrated and end up finishing myself off. Any suggestions?
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clitoris, foreplay, sex drive Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): I'm the guy the original poster was speaking about.
True, I wanted my needs met urgently.
One of the root causes of our problems was lack of communication. We were not able to discuss issues.
The relationship nearly turned into a hostile farce until something happened which gave us a wake up call and issues are now being addressed.
You all touched on the importance of communication.
Thank you.
To those with similar problems, careful, it's a cancer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): I am surprised you don't have a problem with his demanding ways. He can't treat someone the way he is treating you-it isn't fair.
I would tell him he's s***t in bed then leave him. Make him feel like an idiot as thats how he's been acting towards you.
Easier said than done to leave someone but that lack of respect in the bedroom over 2 years doesn't show good signs for the future or other areas of the relationship.
Best of luck for the future with your life x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Let me make it clear, talking isn't going to alter his behaviour, only actions will. You've talked about this for a couple of years and nothings happened. Time to act.
woof woof, good boy! ;)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Talk is cheap, don't even bother. You've probably asked him over and over again to pleasure but he hasn't.
Have you ever owned a dog? Or even if you haven't do you know how dogs are trained? Well the best way to get something sexual from us guys to train us like dogs. Yes I'm serious and no I'm not being sexist because I'm a man. I should know. Now we guys usually respond to conversation but guys like your man don't they only respond only to reward and denial, the same as dogs.
Here's an excerpt from the wikipedia article on training dogs:
"The hardest part of training is communicating with the dog in a humane way that the dog understands. However, the underlying principle of all communication is simple: reward desired behavior while ignoring or correcting undesired behavior."
That's your solution, reward good behaviour by allowing him sex only when he makes the effort to pleasure you too and ignore him when he asks for sex without giving you pleasure first. No big deal, if he wants sex then he gives you pleasure, he wants the reward then he'll do the required action to make sure your satisfied too. No satisfaction no sex.
I advised a friend on the same thing before and she was like "my god he's not a dog don't call him that" and all that crap but he was. He might aswell have just been humping her leg for all the pleasure she was getting. But she tried it, she stopped asking him to think of her and told him he'd only get sex if he got her off first. He refused and called her demands unreasonable and selfish (ironic huh?) but after about a week of realizing that it wasn't going to happen unless he made an effort he started to come around. Because every time he wanted sex she'd take out her vibrator instead. He basically said at the end of it all that he was really sorry, that he knew now what it must have been like for her because seeing her using her vibrator to get off knowing he wasn't getting any was tough for him and that was only one week.
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A
female
reader, xanthic  +, writes (5 November 2010):
 He's not even treating you like a human being, he's treating you like a sex toy that exists solely for his pleasure. What's the point in having sex with him at all if you have to finish yourself off in the end, anyway?
This selfish behaviour shouldn't be rewarded. You have no obligation to have sex with him, and as things are right now, he's using you to get off without a second thought about your needs. You need to have a serious discussion with him during a time when hormones aren't a factor about why this needs to stop. Make it clear he needs to change in order to keep you in the relationship, otherwise you're gone.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Well, you have a selfish lover. If he DENIES you pleasure during sex, he is VERY selfish. He needs to be taught the art of love. Can you introduce him to Kama Sutra or anything like that?
But if this has gone on for years, and you've never really done foreplay, you may be stuck.
My feeling is, every man has an OBLIGATION to try to get his wife off during sex. He needs to man up and get some work done if he loves you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): He sounds selish and unconcerned about you or your feelings. You need to sit down and have a talk with him about this. Tell him you're frustrated and unsatisfied with your sex life and that things need to change. Tell him exactly how you're unsatisfied and ways to improve it.
If he's unwilling to change, get out of the relationship, because any man who's that uncaring about your needs doesn't really love you and isn't worth being with.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (5 November 2010):
....in fact reading this again I can't believe you have put up with this for two years before trying to do anything about it.
Give him a chance to change his ways, but if you don't see a change very soon get rid of him. Not all men are like this.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (5 November 2010):
Your bf sounds extremely selfish.
I think it is natural for him to fall asleep, which is why he needs to make an effort in pleasuring you before he climaxes. You need to point out to him how selfish he is being. If I were in your shoes I would tell him straight that I don't want any more sex with him until he decides to stop focusing on himself entirely and engages in some foreplay. I'm afraid I just wouldn't stand for this sort of things as it turns into a routine and is harder to deal with the longer it goes on for.
I am also at a loss as to why you let him stop you playing with your clit. You need to be more assertive and tell him what you want. He obviously doesn't have a clue about what you want so you need to spell it out to him. If he doesn't change his ways I would seriously think about finding someone else. I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who is so selfish in the bedroom.
Next time he initiates sex I think you need to tell him that you want some foreplay or you're not interested. See how he reacts. But, be assertive, and stop just letting him get his own way.
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