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female
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anonymous
writes: I am fifty one and have been with my partner about twenty years. I am still attractive and vivacious. My partner has just told me that he has met someone else. He mentioned that she is 27 and that she makes him feel young. I know that this happens a lot...I guess I did not think it would happen to me. I am not feeling sorry for myself here, just want to keep my dignity and think I will ask him to move out.I feel so confused because it seems like our relationship meant nothing to him. Should I ask him to move out? Why do some men risk everything when they meet a younger gal although I guess I know the answer to that. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2006): Love, listen, he's just some sad little man who you have outgrown. he just proved that by his actions. the answer as to why men do this is simple....they ae less spiritually, emotionally and mentally mature than women for their entire lives....It will be your decsiion whether you take pity on him and take him back when he returns. which he will
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (3 August 2006):
 PS. YEP! Kick him to the curb (in Jerry Springer vernacular) Get him out of your house and get a grip on your life again. Do not let him control your emotions. Life is too short.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (3 August 2006):
Like a teenager your soon to be ex is fixated on the one thing. This 'girl'. I can almost predict what will happen, he will have *fun* with her and then after a period of weeks/months realise it isn't all that he thought it was cracked up to be....Then he will look in your direction again. AND if at that point you have got yourself together (I know that you feel this is NEVER going to happen at the moment, but trust me it will!) and are back living your life to the full - he will start to realise what a fool he has been and what he has given up. AND you will either take him back (non-judgemental here, this does happen sometimes and the marriage can become the richer for it) or you will tell him to take a hike...because you won't NEED him any more.
Whatever happens, and whatever you decide to do can I give you this little piece of advice. You ARE special. YOU are worthy of love. You ahve not wasted your life, you ahve loved and lost...now you will move on (albeit in time) and you will learn to love again. Start by loving yourself first. Don't let this happening destroy your self esteem.
Rooting for ya girl!!
xxx
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (3 August 2006):
 Honey, this one is a slam dunk. I add my voice to the agony aunts who have responded with one voice: Kick the fool out.
I went (am still going?) through my mid-life crisis, and I chose to go back to school and get a new career instead of choosing other options that would hurt people I love.
In your case, your boy (yes, your partner is acting like a boy) has clearly not engaged in much deep introspection. He senses that something is missing in his life, and he thinks (using his little head only) that all will be cured by recapturing his youth. It won't be long (a few years at most) before he realizes that his escapade (or escapades) hasn't filled the gaps he feels in his life. And he may come crawling back to you once he has also realized the collateral damage his choices have caused.
At that point, assuming you have already booted him out, you will have choices. You can choose to help him figure out what is still missing in his life. You can also choose to take him back during his "soul seraching" process because you don't see the twenty years you spent together as a complete waste. Or you can decide that he's not worth the bother.
Just remember that you are NOT the reason he made these choices. There is something missing in his life and he needs to figure this out on his lonesome. When he does, he will have grown up a little more and might be worthy of your companionship and trust again.
In the meantime, you will need to re-establish or strengthen your support system so that you can heal and be someone that once again can choose to be in a relationship. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): I was the one who posted the question and I want to thank everyone who took the time to respond. We are all busy and I appreciate the feedback and insight.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (3 August 2006):
 Blame it on the male menopause...he is trying to claw back his youth with a younger lady. Keep your self respect and throw him out - as you say, you are an attractive woman with intelligence and a solid personality that comes from years of experience of dealing with people...he will miss that in time, but there are lots of men out there who will treasure you for what you have. Let him have his fun with the giggly girl and walk away - don't think about this as he chose her over you, it is more a question of being immature and short-sighted on his part. This girl maybe an anaesthetic for his bigger mid-life panic for a while, but the novelty will wear off when he realises that she hasn't got the depth of character of an older woman (most 20 somethings are still growing up). However, don't hang about waiting for him to come to his senses - you deserve better treatment and a mature solid man will provide that. Sorry for your heart ache but hopefully in time you will come to realise that he hasn't passed you over for a younger model but done you a large favour - if he is that superficial is he really worth your attention? Surely not...
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (3 August 2006):
 She may make him feel young at first but I'm sure he'll be feeling pretty damn old in due time! Yes you should make him move out, I'm surprised you haven't yet. I'm glad you have not taken a huge hit in the self-esteem department. You go girl! If he comes back to you with his tail between his legs (and I have no doubts he will) it will be your choice to take him back or not. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2006): For goodness sake tell him to "get lost"! How he can do this to you after 20 years is unforgivable. I feel he is having a mid life crisis and cannot believe he thinks he can have a relationship with this 27 year old when there is presumebly such a large age gap. I agree with Snowbird's comments she will soon get bored of him and he of her, and then he will try to wriggle back - can you accept him back when he has betrayed your trust, I couldn't, and would advise you move on.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 August 2006):
She may make him feel young at first but I'm sure he'll be feeling pretty damn old in due time! Yes you should make him move out, I'm surprised you haven't yet. I'm glad you have not taken a huge hit in the self-esteem department. You go girl! If he comes back to you with his tail between his legs (and I have no doubts he will) it will be your choice to take him back or not. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, snowbird +, writes (3 August 2006):
 I do feel for you. It seems as though he is going through a 'mid-life crisis' He will come down to earth with a bump when that one gets tired of him wanting to go clubbing, only to find he is too tired to keep up with her!
I'd be prepared to bet that if she is all that hot she will have other guys after her and he will have to have eyes in the back of his stupid head watching her every move!
He will miss you soon enough when he remembers why he married you in the first place. What goes round, comes round - and by then chances are, you will have found someone who deserves you. And YES - DEFINITELY make him move out - you owe him nothing and it is his own doing.. Continue to take care of yourself.. And if I were you (which I am not), I would definitely think twice before considering taking him back when he realises what a fool he is being!
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