A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi All,I'm in love with a colleague.He is damn cute, a perfect gentleman, 12 years older to me, is in an unhappy marriage and has a 2 year old son. We're not even of the same religion.In the begining, we just used to talk alot, mostly about music, cause that's the one thing we have in common- we both love music.Slowly I became really very attracted to him, but, I didn't know if he felt the same way, because for all I knew, he was happily married.Then one day, while we were talkin about whether we believed in 'reincarnation' or not, he said to me that if there was such a thing, he wants me to be his in the next life. I realised then that he feels the same way.I asked him if he felt guilty about being in love with someone else, while he was married to another womanand that's when he told me that his wife has been having an affair with her ex boyfriend since just months after they were married, she thinks having his baby was a mistake and she even killed an unborn baby on purpose, because she didn't want to have any more of his children. All this has caused him to lose the lovable feelings he had towards her (and drove him to look for love else where- I think)The problem is, If I choose to be with him, I will hurt my parents very deeply. I'm very close to my parents and they have high hopes for me as I'm their only daughter (I have 3 brothers- I'm the only girl)And I don't want to be the reason why he leaves his wife (he is still with her because of his son- that's the very reason why she is still with him)He is really sweet and says that he will leave me alone and never see me or call me again if thats what I want, even though it will hurt him deeply. He has never tried to take advantage of me, he even asks my permission to touch my hand...At work, a lot of rumors have spread about us, people think that we're having an affair or sleeping together, which isn't true.What am I supposed to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): It will hurt your parents because they love you and they know being with a married man is not wise. If he wants to leave his wife, let him until then have nothing to do with him. Don't be "just friends" that is playing with fire and very unwise.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2007): If he was a decent guy and geniune about his feelings for you then he will leave his wife before continuing a relationhip with you. Tell you how you feel about him but that you'd prefer to wait to be with him when he is truly free. That way, his current relationship won't spill over and affect yours, and you won't become a pawn in his marriage problems. Best of luck xxx
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (26 February 2007):
 I'm torn. On one hand I think stuff your parents, that your happiness is the most important thing and that if this guy makes you happy then you should go for it and they'll come to terms with it in time. Then the other part of my brain is screaming out that the things he's said are easy. Words are easy. Lies are even easier. Maybe he's telling the truth. Maybe every single thing he's told you is true. But how do you know? I truly believe that if his marriage was that unhappy he would no longer be in it and wouldn't be trying to emotionally manipulate you into being his fun time relationship while he goes back to the security of a family after using you for sex. It's a very noble thing to stay with someone for the sake of your child and if he was doing this I would admire him totally but what this man is suggesting doing is staying with his wife for the child but stringing you along at the same time. Is that what's best for his child? Absolutely not, which proves the kid isn's his motivation for making this choice. Proceed with caution here.
CD
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A
female
reader, shamshammer +, writes (26 February 2007):
Hi I understand you are having a tough time as feeling love for another person is not easy to ignore and you feel you have a responsibility to help this man, my advice is to leave it, walk away until he gets his life sorted out. Do not be the woman that took a two year olds father away, i do not mean to be harsh but if he feels as strongly about you as you do for him, he will make the effort to leave his wife for....any problems in his marriage should be of no concern of yours until he has left his wife behind completely...i really hope things work out for you pet xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2007): Well, I understand you have a great deal of sympathy for the things he is telling you about his unhappy marriage, and he has set it up for you to think that his wife is a total witch. You don't know if anything he is telling you is true. Killing an unwanted baby on purpose? Is he talking about she had an abortion? It does not make sense what or why he would tell you this personal stuff about his own family....it doesn't ring true.
The thing is, he is married. His son is only two. I think his son is at a vulnerable age for his father to leave his home, but soon he would be able to do that with out any long term repercussions. Children do not do well growing up in a loveless marriage, and are better off with divorce and their parents moving on to happier times. If this man really no longer wants to be married, he will do something to change that. I don't believe he is telling you everything.
It is not your responsibility to make this guy happy or compensate for his bad marriage, it is not your job to love him.
You would be best to remain uninvolved with him romantically until after his divorce is final and that could take a year or two.
In the meantime, if you have strong feelings for him they can't go anywhere except towards hurt and pain for you.
If it were me, I know what I would do, I would remove myself from this relationship and get it back to a relationship with a co-worker. The rumors at work will make you seem like a home wrecker and already have, you are at risk of losing your job over this.
Telling your parents is the very least of you worries.
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