A
female
age
36-40,
*ishdish
writes:Hi guys,I'm pretty stressed out about my situation. I'm a very P.C. person, I always think about the bigger picture of what people say, and every once in a while my bf says things or makes jokes that make me really uncomfortable and I think are not okay to say. WHen I say something like that characterization is not fair or hurtful or problematic he gets defensive and feels like I'm trying to lump him in a category of others who worsely mistreat the group he was talking about. For example, last night he made a fat joke and it was just between him and me but I told him I didn't think that kind of joke was funny, that that's in part why overweight people can develop self-esteem issues or inferiority complexes etc. but he said because he doesn't act on it, that is, doesn't discriminate against them or exclude them from his life that it's obviously a comment that didn't mean anything because it has no external implications; he also said it shouldn't be seen as offensive because he was talking about the cause of the fatness and everyone knows that that cause is stuffing one's face so you can't really make fun of a fact...anyway we went on like this for a while, and he's told me in the past that he feels like he has to walk on eggshells when talking to me because he never knows when he 's going to say something I'm going to take the wrong way and that I'm putting myself on some moral high ground and looking down on him for his thoughts and how can he be with someone he feels he has to censor himself around. So I'm feeling a little trapped. I want to be able to be myself, and speaking out against things I don't agree with, which I feel like is better than simply going along with what someone says and have that person assume I agree with them, but speaking out is also alienating my bf, and making him feel like he can't be HIMSELF, or that he has to be some cookiecutter version of himself...or I could just shut my mouth and let him say what he wants without my opinion in the way. I do respect him and I want that to be clear, I tell him just because I disagree with your joke or comment doesn't change the way I feel about you, but maybe it makes him feel like he's in some diversity training classroom or just that I'm treating him like a little boy that needs to be chastised. I know there's a happy medium somewhere, but it never gets to that place. I'd like some suggestions on how to get there, to that medium...The only thing I can think of "we can agree to disagree" but neither of us are any good at keeping that promise, we always will rehash it after a couple minutes.
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male
reader, Uncle Sneaker  +, writes (22 June 2008):
 Hum. (Which is always a good start when it's going to be an answer made up more of random thoughts then any real answer.)
A few things to ask yourself:
What makes you PC? Why is it important to you?
Why is what he says in his jokes so un-PC? What makes it so?
What is the purpose, the objective of Political Correctness? Is that objective being broken, damaged or otherwise missed by his jokes?
Are his views so far from yours that you can't be compatible? Is the way he expresses himself so far from you that you are incompatible?
Define "Political Correctness". I don't mean give a dictionary definition, I mean spell out to yourself what it means and what you think it should mean to you and to anyone and everyone.
Can we make jokes about Political Correctness itself? Or would that be politically incorrect? I'm not trying to make light of it at all but, for example, should these "fat" people be called "anorexically challenged"? Personally I disagree with LazyGuy. I adore Big Beautiful Women and wouldn't have them any other way (but then I like the rather skinnier women too).
I do agree with Collaroy. When you are close to someone you CAN make private jokes about other people's characteristics that you might never, never say in front of others - and yes, those jokes don't need to be "politically correct" because you know that neither of you have the real prejudices that political correctness quite properly strives to eliminate and that neither of you will be influenced by them in an adverse way.
I wonder whether being intolerant of his political incorrecteness is in fact itself the worst kind of political incorrectness? After all, the whole point of it is that you should be tolerant and fair to all people, no matter what their characteristics, abilities, disabilities, race, colour, creed or viewpoint. Could political correctness, sometimes, be no more than a form of snobbery or, perhaps, inverted snobbery? "I'm better than you because I never have any prejudices" or "You aren't a good person because you aren't able to stop joking about fat people."
As I said, "Hum".
In fact, "Ho Hum." I really don't know. Take what you will out of all of that!
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 June 2008):
 Political Correctness is a hot topic, I will be honest upfront, I hate it with a passion.
To me PC is nothing more then an excuse to hide behind to not have to face real life. For fat there is the label Big Beautiful Women BBW that some claim instead of lardass or Bloated Beached Whale.
Fatness maybe genetics but don't tell me this as you are stuffing a cheeseburger in your face.
Now on the opposite side some people really like to pigeon-hole people and make themselves feel better by making others look bad.
Somewhere in between there may be indeed be a happy medium but what that is...
He can't constantly walk on egg-shells and you can't constantly supress your own feelings of outrage. Basically, either find that middle ground OR you two might have to accept that this is just the way your relationship is.
Since you are the one asking, exactly why do you feel Political Correctness is the way to go? I get the feeling with some that it is just a way of avoiding any issues. That they hide behind PC because they are afraid of confrontation. There is such a thing as being to PC.
Why do you have this need to come up with excuses for others? Why can't you just say, yes this 400 pound person just ate to much. When are you being sensitive and when are you being rather insulting because saying fat people can't help being fat does mean you are saying that all fat people have no control over their own lifes. That is kinda un-PC in its own right isn't it?
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (22 June 2008):
 Hi there,
if a joke is overtly racist I have a problem, even one that implies that a person of a different race is somehow inferior.
But I believe the whole point about being a couple is you can make little jokey comments about other people because it is between you and your partner and its a shared bit of humour.
I'm sure others will disagree with me, but I really think you are overreacting and I can certainly understand that your boyfriend must wonder what he can make a joke about.
After all jokes are about making fun of situations and people.
I think Political correctness is fine but every belief has extremes and when you are overtly politically correct you alienate yourself by judging people on everything they say.
Sorry mate, that's just my opinion ( he says watching his approval rating drop by the minute )
doh!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): The truth is you don't sound like you are cut out for each other...I am sure if you both would sit down and admit it you would say you are looking for a more sensitive type of boyfriend, and he is looking for a different type of girl. I have no word for it, perhaps less judgemental.Not saying this is fair, life rarely is but if this is stressing you out, I have news for you. There are much stressful things in life than that.
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