A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi I have a quick question if anyone has any helpful opinions it would be much appreciated. myself and my boyfriend recently relocated countries for work. my boyfriend originally came out 3 months ahead of me and had already a small support system in terms of friends from home. I've currently been here 3 months, himself 6 months and whilst I am yet to make any new friends ( I'm in no rush ) I feel that he has somewhat thrown this in my face a little bit. we live with two other boys one of whom is a friend to him from home, and they have a great common ground with one another in terms of working environment and similar interests. this I have no issue with and I am the majority happy that I live with all males as its a more chilled approach in some ways. my issue is, my boyfriend tends to go on nights out, no problem for me what so ever, I only ever have an issue if I am on a back to back shift in work like finish time 1am start time 7am. when this happens I've asked that he sleeps on the sofa as he can be really loud when he comes back and ... I guess like all humans once he has a bit of booze in him he tends to snore loudly and is unmovable. a good sleeping routing is nessecary for me to feel like I can focus and give my best in work. last night I asked the same from him to sleep on the sofa because of my schedule and his response was " so because I went out with a friend I can't sleep in my own bed" and made it out as if I was punishing him? I'm really annoyed about this situation, I'm predominantly a strong confident person with very little insecurities, however in this new point in my life, physical friends in my presence is something I have yet to gain. I honestly felt that he was using this against me as if to say I was jealous or tried to make me insecure about the topic where as I all I was really looking for was a decent 6 hours sleep? im annoyed about the situation and I don't really even feel like speaking to him at the moment. does anyone have any insights ? it would really be appreciated?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2019): What a melter. Is it a pattern for him that he can't see your perspective?
A
male
reader, SadMan76  +, writes (21 August 2019):
Sounds like you have tried to explain to him why you wanted him to sleep on the sofa.
Perhaps try posing your problem to him: how does he suggest you get you sleep the nights when you have back to back shifts?
Your boyfriend should show some understanding for your situation as well, and his reaction is slightly selfish. Relationships are give and take. You are giving by not objecting him going out with his buddies and coming home drunk. He should give something back, perhaps by respecting your sleep those nights.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2019): Did you ask him or did you tell him to?
If you asked, were you polite about it? Have you suggested telling him to keep it down rather than telling him where he could sleep? I can understand how one adult being told where to sleep by another can be upsetting.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): Any human being with half a brain would understand that you are asking him to sleep on the sofa so you can get enough sleep before you go back to work and that it is not a drama or punishment. Is he generally thick?
If not, then as in all the cases that I read about, where the obvious is being blindly misunderstood, I smell a rat.
He is twisting what you are saying and I would bet my bottom dollar that he understands perfectly well what you are asking and why.
So why would he do this? Why also would he completely disrespect your need for sleep and be very loud when he comes in at night?
He is not at all considerate is he?
The only reason that I know of, when someone purposefully misunderstands their partner, is that they have a control/manipulation thing going on.
They don't want to change their ways at all to help you and accommodate your needs. It is ALL about them and their needs. So, rather than say, 'I don't want to sleep on the sofa to help you get a rest before going back to work, I want to do whatever the hell I want and screw your needs', they 'misunderstand' your request and make you out to be the bad guy instead.
Clever little bit of manipulation and diversion going on here. Diversion, if you didn't know, is designed to throw you off the way the conversation is headed, so he doesn't have to address your request. Instead the conversation goes something like, 'No, I don't mind if you go out with your friends at all, it's just that I need to get some sleep before work and you'll disturb me if you come to bed'.
'Yes, like I said, you have a problem with me going out'. And on and on ad nauseum until you give up and decide to be tired instead. And watch out for him telling you that you're arguing and he doesn't want to argue anymore. It's all a way of shutting you down and him being able to ignore your request, which does not sound unreasonable to me. It is also about letting you know who is top dog in the relationship. And it ain't you.
Imagine if it was the other way around? He's sleeping before work and you come in, pissed up after a night out on the tiles. You wake him up by being inconsiderate and noisy. Somehow, I get the feeling that he wouldn't be as patient with this set-up as you are being!
Long and short, in my opinion, you have got yourself a pig. And he won't change. So my advice would be...…
leave and get happy and rested and know when you are banging your head against a brick wall with no chance of change.
Sitting him down and talking about it is all very well, but you have tried that and he doesn't want to listen, does he? And he knows that his behaviour is wrong. He just doesn't care.
Why waste anymore of your precious young, youthful life (which believe me doesn't last for ever), on a man who cares absolutely nothing for you?
Good luck and I hope you give yourself a lovely bed all to yourself, with this loser nowhere in sight.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2019): I guess if you haven't complained about not having friends he may just be projecting his discomfort. If he's saying it because he thinks it might be hurtful he's being a real arse hole.
But..you should ignore it. Just address the issue at hand, which is that if he's going go out on the lash and disturb you when you have to get up early to work that's unreasonable. Normally he'd sleep in the spare room but as you've chosen to houses share he has to sleep on the sofa. It's not a punishment, it's just practical. If he wakes you up and then disturbs your sleep that's not fair in any circumstance. If he wasn't smashed, didn't make loads of noise, didn't snore there would be no issue. It seems your boyfriend has yet to learn what's reasonable to ask your sleeping partner to put up with in the long term. If I'm up early or come in late I minimise the disruption to my wife by dressing or undressing in the bathroom. I snore less than my wife so that's not an issue ;-) but there are steps he could take to be a better sleeping buddy, whether he takes them is up to him.
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