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female
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anonymous
writes: hi,my bf of almost 2 yrs split from me a couple of months ago. we're at uni and lived together there for 1yr. To begin he was slightly geeky but a sweet guy, but he is now obsessed with being cool. He cheated in a club one night and on returning said it was more "exciting" than being with me and "made him feel like a real man"! We tried to work through things but he was never interested and broke it off when we went home for summer. Since immeadiatly after he's been acting the "big man", throwing himself at everything that moves, and boasting to make sure i find out... He was also nasty and bitchy about the split - i'm apparently a loser compared to his new found cool status.Ive moving on as best i can but my problem now is we share lots of friends, although even before our split most ppl no longer like him as he's changed a lot, but how do i deal with seeing him again at uni? he claims he's done nothing wrong and wants to be friends, but ive been really hurt, i lost my virginity to him and he made me feel cheap. at the same time its not fair for me to make things awkward for everyone else and i dont want to ask ppl to chose between us. i hav'nt told most ppl why we split as i dont want to seem like the bitching ex.I can't spend my time waiting for an apology that will never come, and being bitter just upsets me, so will i be selling myself out by being "friends" with him even after how he treated me? and how would that even work?The closer it gets the more im worrying, any advice will be much appreciated!
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (19 September 2006):
 You are a strong, mature young lady and he is soooo not worthy of your time or attention. He is acting the way he is because he is VERY insecure and has personality issues of his own. You are, however, not his psychiatrist and his problems don't have to be your problems. You will always come up against situations where there is a conflict of interest - in love, work or social situations. My point is that you maybe hurting but distraction is a great way of getting over him. Don't get into 'he said, she said'...he can make a big drama over the split if he likes but don't lower yourself to his standards - people will see that you are the better person for it. You don't have to see your friends around him - make arrangements to meet them individually or in group settings where he won't be if you like. If they are your 'friends' then they will understand and make it happen like that. Sure you will see him on campus from time to time but just walk on past him with your head held high and a wry little smile on your face - it will make him know he isn't getting to you. His 'cool' facade will lose appeal in time and I am a firm believer in what goes around, comes around...perhaps it will take time but sooner or later he will take a good long look in his mirror and not like what he sees. Think of it as him doing you a favour - you are obviously a lovely person so he is so not worthy!
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (18 September 2006):
 Hi Anon,
My own personal opinion is that you shouldn't even bother giving this guy the time of day. What he did to you was more than uncaring, and that's not what "friends" do to one another. Do any of your other friends make you feel this horrible? Probably not, right?
If I were you, I would ignore this guy. If not to keep your sanity, it might make him realize just how big of a jerk he was to you. You should never be told the things he said to you. That was horrible! What were his intentions when he told you that? Have you asked him? Was it just to be a jerk or something? That's what it seems like. It seems like he is on some sort of power trip and because you're close to him it's easy to say those things. Like he'll know you'll stick around because you care about him. Do you understand what I mean? Sometimes people let their egos get the best of them and act like total idiots to the people who care most about them. That ends up not only hurting everyone around them, but that person probably the most in the long run.
If you do remain friends with him, I would just not take anything he says seriously. If you do, he'll probably just drag you down with his constant insults. At least that's what it sounds like by the way you describe him.
Maybe you should try listing the pros and cons of being friends with him. That would probably help you to figure out where you should take this relationship.
You say that you both share a lot of friends. If he ever comes up in a conversation you could either change subjects, or keep your head high and say nothing nasty about him. You don't want it to get back to him and cause him to be even more of a ass. Either way, it won't be you who is seen as being a jerk. You even said that many of his friends are not keeping a relationship with him because of his changes, so it's not like nobody is noticing. I don't think that people will think ill of you if this is what you're worried about. (I don't think you need to tell anyone why you both split at this rate. I think that many can figure out why you guys aren't together anymore just by his actions.)
So in my opinion, I don't think you should remain friends with him because he sounds like he'll just drag you down, but if you do keep a 'friendly' relationship just watch yourself and don't take his comments too seriously.
Take care.
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