A
female
age
36-40,
*earheadedgirl
writes:Am I flogging a dead horse?I live with my boyfriend and two other male roommates. My boyfriend tells me he loves me all the time, and does show it sometimes (he is a big tough guy on the outside so it's sometimes rather difficult to get him to open up, and be romantic/sweet/emotional). Anyways, he constantly talks about the future, and what he wants to do with his life, and how he wants me to move with him for his job, and says that he wants us to move out of our place and get our own, and how he wants us to move to a small town and build a house the way we want. Sounds nice, but when I say something about marriage his guard goes up again. I'm not going to invest financially or emotionally in the ways he's speaking of unless there is a legal bond there (just trying to cover my butt), not to mention the fact that I love him and would love him as a husband. But am I flogging a dead horse? I'm scared to invest much more in this if there's no chance for marriage with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): Sounds like you may benefit from a Come-To-Jesus talk about what marriage means. Both sides can fully disclose what they think it is. If you see it differently, then it will help to get to know each other and prepare for the future. If you see it the same, it will serve to solidify common ground.
My b/f wants so much to be married, I don't. He wants to check off an item from his list of accomplishments, and I look at it as just another liability. These things don't make us good or bad, they are just perceptions. It helps we know where the other guy stands, at least to keep the air clear.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (26 April 2010):
 In case you didn't ask him what bothers him about marriage. My guess is that he worries he has to spend a lot on the ring and the wedding, on top of the house you are building. You said his guard was up but he didn't say he didn't want to get married. Maybe it's not financially possible now. For you you are tired of the idea shacking up. For him he wants to enjoy his last few years of dating. As much as you want to feel secure, he thinks of marriage as a gamble. Marriage is often more than just two people. You both have valid concerns. Why don't you consult your family members to see what they think? It would be a shame to break up over this. Starting over with another guy who has his qualities and at the same time wants to marry you is hard.
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A
female
reader, It's all be okay  +, writes (26 April 2010):
You're right to ensure that you should get a legal bond if you intend to invest money in a joint place and also if you intend to make changes to your life to accommodate him.
That doesn't necessarily have to be marriage - you could make contractual bonds.
If you could get him to talk about his feelings about it all, without making it a situation where you argue for what you want - instead, seek just to understand him. If he can't do that, and you don't communicate well on a matter like this, then I would suggest that he's not the person that you would want to make commitments to.
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