A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think I've messed things up with a guy i really like and i don't know how to fix it.I met this man 9 months ago - we had a two week fling and then we didn't see each other for 4 months as he went back to live in his home country. We stayed in touch by email the whole time.4 months ago i quit my job to go travelling, and i planned to go to his city. I had no idea what to expect as our emails had always been quite vague. But when i arrived it was very obvious he wanted a relationship with me. I have been here since and we have been sleeping with each other and spending a lot of time together, as lovers. I adore him.However, we have had so many arguments, and because of this he seems to have gradually stopped wanting to be with me. A few weeks ago he told me he didn't think we were a couple but he still really wanted to see me and he liked me a lot. He was really worried that by telling me this i would want to go home and he would never see me again. He obviously still wanted to have sex, but i said that unless he could commit to being with me, i couldn't have sex with him. He said again hat he didn't want to be in a relationship so i told him we had to be friends now. He seemed really sad and i was too.This was a week ago and since then i've hardly heard from him. I know he's been sick and busy but i just feel like this is it, he's had enough and there's nothing i can do.i always, always get to this point in every relationship. I push and push until the man reaches his limit and doesn't want me anymore, even though i still love him and it could have been so good. I am devastated that i have done this again. I feel so stupid. This man is incredible and he loved me and wanted me and i threw it away.Please can someone help me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 March 2012):
 Known him 9 months with a 2 week fling and then a 4 month break… so you’ve known him essentially 5 months…
“It was very obvious he wanted a relationship” really? What made it obvious? His words? His Actions? How did you know he wanted a relationship with you?
“WE have been sleeping with each other and spending a lot of time together as lovers…” what about as partners? As a couple? Because just sex is not going to cut it….
“we have had so many arguments, and because of this he seems to have gradually stopped wanting to be with me. A few weeks ago he told me he didn't think we were a couple but he still really wanted to see me and he liked me a lot.” TRANSLATION: sex with you is great and that’s all I’m interested in…
“I know he’s been sick and busy” YOU are making EXCUSES for why he’s not contacting you….This is not about what YOU did to him to push him away but rather his choice. IF you keep picking men like this then it’s an issue with your choice of men that has to be looked at but it’s not that you are stupid or bad…
How can a man who is willing to use a woman be so incredible?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): the man made it clear he doesnt want a relationship, no commitments, just sex- to use you. there is no love, just selfishness.
Time to end it and return home.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 March 2012):
 He didn't love you. You couldn't expect a man who had a 2 week fling then suddenly want a relationship with you. The problem is not your pushing. It is a very reasonable thing to want an exclusive relationship. The problem is that you misinterpretted his sweet talking and thought he felt for you as much as you felt for him. When you are in a loving relationship committment happens naturally. When you have to push for a committment that man is probably not for you.
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A
male
reader, joeyb67p +, writes (4 March 2012):
 Hmmm - if he loved you so much, why did he say that you weren't a couple and was unwilling to commit? I think that it is possible that you experienced the most basic kind of love and that is EROS. That is sexual in nature and as long as the sex is good, the relationship is good. Eros in itself is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. The other needed components of true love are Agape (unconditional) and Philia (affection, friends). Sometimes we think we have all three, but without honesty, respect and commmunication we often delude ourselves into making more of our passion that is really there.In my humble opinion, you were right to cut things off as it seems that he is not ready for all that you have to offer. Arguements are okay if they are done correctly and progress the relationship and the knowledge of your true selves. Good luck and I hope your pain subsides and you find a man worthy of all of you!
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