A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid, on a few occasions I have found out that my husband was looking at teen porn sites or pictures, i asked him about it and he denied it, looking back from before we were married and not living together he had been paying to go a a few sites through his visa car, computer was wiped before he came to live with me. I had seen in the past a just 18 porn mag which he said he got free, He rarely comes near me we have been married two years i now feel i have my answer, im too old at 35, we had a row last night, he stormed and a friend phoned to say they were concerned about him, i managed to track him down to a travel lodge near by, the porter let me in, he had drunk a bottle of vodka and there on the table was a mag of young girls hard core, i dont know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007): I am going to be very frank, dear. You can choose to agree or disagree. This is just my own opinion and my beliefs. I saw internet pornography destroy a marriage, up close and personal. I saw what it did to a beautiful, confident, amazing, strong woman and her children. This porn issue is pervasive and it crops up all the time on this website. And judging by the numbers of postings, it apparently is really, really destroying good, loving marriages and relationships. I hate what porn has done to solid, good marriages and happy families. I hate what it has done to beautiful, awesome women and their families, their kids. Sheesh...so incredibly heartbreaking.
When porn overtakes a husband's interest in his wife who loves him, then we know that this man is in deep trouble. It sounds like your hubby has the makings of an sexual addiction and he needs to own up to that. The problem is not you, you are wonderful, you are a woman who doesn't derserve this. The problem lies with it's and his weakness. No excuses, no rationale, no denials--nothing, in the world will not change the fact that his behavior belongs to him and him alone. He's not an errant child..he's an adult who has made a choice-a decision to allow pornography to invade his brains thus severely affecting the safe, secure intimate confines of his marriage. Even if one's marriage is one that is wrought with many,many other unspoken problems-problems that make intimacy difficult---that's still not an excuse to keep using porn, reading magazines, internet porn, teen porn, etc, etc...nothing justifies it.
Pornography is based purely on fantasy and sadly, reality will never match the fantasy. In addicts mind, reality is dull, not as much fun. And guess what "reality" is to him?? His wife and his marriage. This could very well be why he doesn't make love to you, anymore. It could be that 'ordinary' porn ceased to excite him anymore, so he moved on to other forms, thus the teen porn. That eventually will not excite him him anymore, either..what will come next and next and next? Pornography acts like a drug on the brain. And the sad thing is, porn never, ever satisfies an addict...never. It only gives the false illusion that it satisfies, but the reality is that it never satisfies the 'need' that is the root of the pornography use problem, to begin with. It only sparks the desire for more of the same. You have a husband who is sick, he's floundering...and he's doing little more than to show exactly how weak he is. He has forgotten that a life of moral good and love of family requires far more focus, diligence, commitment and strength of character than does a life of indiscretion, which he has chosen. And the key word here is choice. Is there hope for the marriage? Yes, there is. But first-your husband must grasp "reality" once again, and comprehend that his actions are destructive to you and toward this marriage.
You both really need serious marriage counselling and he needs possible addiction counselling. Boundaries are needed..even tougher ones. Set a deadline for him to show that he is willing to enter a serious program to help him kick this porn habit. There is help available. Talk to your minister, your family doctor-and they will be able to give you some information on whom you contact. Once his addiction is out in the full light, its power is diminished..it's then that he will hopefully say, "I need help'. He needs serious help today and there should be close monitoring of his progress. If he refuses to get help-walk out and leave before he drags you down into the hellhole.. he's gotten himself into. And please find a support group you can get involved with. Your sense of worth has likely been deeply affected. You will need to heal from this horrible experience. I am so sorry, hun-absolutely no one deserves this. If you don't think your husband is on the way to an addiction, then disregard all that I just said. But, from what you have described though, it may be a possibility. Here is a website to check out below. It does state some of the signs of porn addiction. Not sure if your hubby falls into line with this..but it worth a look.
http://www.way2hope.org/signs_of_sexual_addiction.htm
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007): Hi there, assuming you used to have a healthy sex life, your husband needs to understand that it is pornography that is causing the distance between you and him. If he won't listen to you, then a therapist is your next step.
If you do a bit of searching on this website you will find hundreds of people who have been in the situation that you are in now. Will your husband be interested in seeing a therapist? Will you? A good place to try is www.relate.org.uk. Things can change for the better but you both have to want and work for that change. By the way, mid 30's is not an old age at all - rather it is your current situation that is making you feel old and undesirable, try and bare that in mind if you are being critical about yourself. Take care and all the best and good luck with what you choose to do.
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (12 May 2007):
 theres always many different ways to look at porn situations, many would say leave him, many wouldnt, i suggest you talk to him, explain how you feel you are losin him. tell him this storming out is having a large affect on you and the pron doesnt stop you will have to think very strongly about the relationship. see what his reaction to that is. hope i helped x x x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2007): Hi,
I would just like to say that you are not alone, I am in a similar situation myself. I have been with my partner now for 5 yrs, married for nearly 2. when we first got together my husband also had porn mags. I assumed it was because he had been on his own for 4 yrs before we met.Then he came to live with me and i found porn sites on my computer. At first he denied it was his, but there is only myself and my daughter here. since we have been married he barely comes near me either and I feel exactley the way you do, too old (I am 34). We met over the internet, and I am now wondering weather he is getting his kicks elsewhere.
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