A
female
age
36-40,
*reenEyedVirgo
writes:I'm a 27 year old female, and my s/o, *P* is 28. I've been troubled by this for a while, and just tonight we got into an argument about this. Here is my problem...he likes to tease me in front of others.I feel uncomfortable about it, and almost feel like he is trying to embarass me. I told him a handful of times I do not like this. Well tonight he said something quit hurtful to me, "That's why I don't like going anywhere with you...you make it awkward!" because I react by just becoming quite, and isolated. Last time I checked there's nothing "awkward" about not taking pleasure into being teased practically the whole time we are around someone. I wouldn't be so upset if it was a little, but he gets excessive, and nobody laughs to tell you the truth. I don't know what the motive is behind him doing this to me is. Whether he ran out of things to talk about, or possibly trying too hard to make himself look "big" due to self conscious reasons. I'm beginning not to care what the purpose is, but I just want it to stop. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2016): This is horrible behaviour and he knows it. The fact that he couldn't care less about your feelings and even turns it all around to make you the one at fault, is also horrible behaviour. Replying and reacting in kind is just going to make it into some horrible slanging match that I doubt you will want, nor the people in your company to witness. I'm sure you realise that we can't control the way people behave, but we can control our reactions to their behaviour.Don't stoop to his level. Rather realise that this is an abusive tactic. He is an abusive man. This is one of the ways in which they operate. If he was just insensitive then I wouldn't be so sure, but the fact that he then makes his behaviour something that, in his opinion, you are reacting wrongly to, screams abusive behaviour. Abusive behaviour leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, leaves you constantly wondering why? Why is he doing this? He knows you hate it and yet, instead of realising that he is hurting you and trying to redress it, he is making things your fault. 'I don't want to go out with you because you make everything awkward' You are confused by this, because anybody would realise that it's his behaviour that is making everything awkward. He knows this. He is trying to throw you off balance, emotionally, to start questioning yourself. After a while, if he's successful with this tactic, he will persuade you that it is indeed you who is causing the problem. This is what he wants. Abusive behaviour is very hard to believe. I went through all this. I found it hard to believe that someone who I thought loved me, would behave in a calculated way, to make me very unhappy. But he did. This is emotional and verbal abuse that you're suffering right now. There are many forms of abuse, emotional, verbal, physical and mental cruelty. He may well use them all. In time, my ex partner did. By which time, I was questioning myself so much, that I was accepting the blame for things that were clearly not my fault. I can give an example of this to you, and you will probably see that he was pulling my strings, but I was so confused by this time, I accepted that I had behaved wrongly. If you continue in this relationship, I can almost guarantee you, that you will start to believe him, when he blames you for his awful behaviour, as he is doing now. You have enough about you still, to question and wonder what on earth is going on.It was my birthday and after he asked me what I wanted to do I said that I would love to go out for a meal. He said ok and then asked me the next day again, what I would like to do. I reiterated that I would like to go out for a meal. This happened for five days. Every time he said ok. Twice on my birthday itself, he asked me what I would like to do . I said go out for a meal. (Notice that I didn't point out that he had asked me many times already. You don't after a while, because you know you get more grief that way). On the evening of my birthday, I went to his house, where he casually informed me that he'd already eaten. I said absolutely nothing, because by this point in the relationship, I was conditioned to not say anything negative otherwise things could get nasty.He wanted a reaction from me and so after we had watched tele for a while and I was quiet, because I was so shocked and hurt, he asked me what was wrong. I said very quietly because I was wary, 'Well, I thought we were going for a meal'. He went mad. Made me out to be the worst person in the world, telling me I was trying to control what time he ate, that I manipulated everything to my satisfaction etc etc, he insulted me in the street in front of others as I was leaving, having gone back once to try to 'sort it out'. When I got home at 8.30 on my birthday evening I was crying and shaking. And guess what? I rang HIM and apologised. I am telling you this to help you understand how effective this abusive tactic is, over time. And how, I believe, that this is what your boyfriend is doing to you. Please read, 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. So brilliantly written that it is gripping to read, especially when you want answers and are trying to understand something, as you are trying to understand now. The author worked with abusive men for 15 years and learned all their tactics first hand. Very empowering for you to understand what is happening. I bet you your bottom dollar that you will recognise other behaviour in this book that your boyfriend has displayed. Please read it and save yourself a lot of confusion and a lot of heartache.Good luck x
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 April 2016):
 Do the same to him and see how he likes it. He thinks you are not joining in and you are being sensitive, therefore you start teasing him worse than he does to you and see how his reaction is. It could be his way off trying to get people to laugh or even get you to laugh but it is not fair on you, especially since you have already told him, it could be a case he is putting you down to make himself feel better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2016):
 I agree with Tisha.
SHOW him that you don't like it one bit. Obviously telling him hasn't working so you need to step it up. So next time he begins with that crap just say excuse me, get up and leave. Doesn't matter where you are, just do it.
The first time you do it, he might not get it and ask you, so explain it. If he keep doing it keep getting up... OR decide whether or not you want to be with a guy who can't respect your boundaries.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 April 2016):
 Record his "teasing" along with the reaction (or lack there of), say nothing. When he initiates sex, play the recording to him, say simply "I'm not in the mood" and leave. Teach him that excessive teasing will have consequences.
Repeat his hurtful words to him right as he starts a teasing session: "That's why I don't like going anywhere with you, you make me feel awkward!" Then leave.
If he can't refrain from excessive teasing then he doesn't deserve to be with you.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (25 April 2016):
 You need to have some retorts prepared. Don't be the butt end of his scabby jokes. You know best what kind of response you are most comfortable with. Tell him not to be an arsehole all his life - take a day off! His father produced 100 million sperm, and his was the one that got through - unbelievable! Tell him to give his mouth a rest and let his arse have a chance.
Stock up a few comebacks and some nice put-downs and he will get the message. If he won't listen to the voice of reason it's war. And you have to win.
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