A
female
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anonymous
writes:My boyfriend loves me very much but has a habit of pushing the boundaries when it comes to sex. He sometimes says hurtful things or asks me to do things that I am not happy with.He has problems with his performance and has to take medication for it and I feel he uses these things to improve his excitement but it makes me feel that I am not enough. He thinks that inciting a little jealousy into our relationship increases the buzz, but it just makes me feel insecure. He is a bit of a flirt I think, or is giving off mixed messages at work because there is a woman there who is still asking him out and has been for almost 6 months. He says he is not interested in her at all so I do not understand her persistance. He managed without much of a sex life for many years during his marriage and left everything he owned to be with me. I absolutely know that he loves me but I feel that this behaviour is wrecking my self confidence. I feel he likes to sail close to the edge for the sake of the buzz he gets.When I get upset he says I make him feel very insecure and am being silly. He acts as though his whole world will collapse around him when I express just how much all this hurts me. Consequently I shut up and bottle it until it blows, which it ususally does when I am hormonal! This gives him the added excuse that I am not being reasonable. He then looks like a whipped puppy and becomes very needy. This cycle is exhausting me, he says that I am draining him too.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 August 2006):
 I wanted to add that I see a younger less-wise version of myself in the description you give. In some ways. I can on some levels identify with your boyfriend.
Given that, i'd say Irish's advice is very good. My wonderful girlfriend helped me grow out of / get over a lot of the issues. Well at least mostly... What she did is pretty much what Irish describes. By being strong and only being willing to be treated as an equal, with equal respect, care, and attention in both directions. You can't usually 'fix' someone, but if they want to change then you can sometimes help them fix themselves.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): Of course this is exhausting you! The other aunts on this page have given you excellent, well thought-out advice. I just want to add my 2 cents, because I have been exactly where you are, in one of my past relationships and I want you to know, I understand what you are going through. And boy, did I learn from my experience. To save my sanity, I ended it. I am not saying this will happen to you but he needs to change his attitude and learn to respect you. Setting boundries is critical in all relationships..you are doing the right thing. He is using all this maneuvering and sexual boundry 'pushing' to keep you off balance and where he wants you-needy and hurt. It makes him feel better-it gives him a sense of misplaced security within himself but look at the big price you are paying.
Hun, I can tell from your posting, you are a mature, compassionate woman who knows what she wants in a healthy, committed relationship. But his behaviours are causing you to have doubts and I worry you may just give up and relinqish your relationship values to martyr yourself to this man. Again, you are well within your right to set boundries and letting him know, that his behaviours are controlling and manipulative. Let him know he hurts you...let him to look like a whipped puppy and stop feeling sorry for him. Let him think what he wants-he has earned whatever consequences he gets. Don't get caught up in that mindset of "no matter what pain and hurt, he inflicts on you, you don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him he's hurting you'. Always remember you are not a slave to his acting out behaviours and no one owns you, nor has he the right to make you feel 'less a person' because of your values and conviction. Hold fast to that. And don't allow 'familiarity with this man' keep you stuck. This a problem for many women. They get into dysfunctional relationships and fear moving on. They get used to the convenience, the routine, time timely investment in a relationship and they stick it out. Change is scary for some women. What motivated me to end a similar relationship like this one you are experiencing...was the pain, the exhaustion just got too great. I re-assessed and I saw a glimmer of hope and I felt the pull of new possibilities for genuine happiness. And remember, you cannot fix him..he has to do it for himself. Fixing a man is the way some women try to affirm a self. And this is wrong..he should be a secure man, healthy, loving, caring and respectful when he entered into this relationship with you. Stop sacrificing your own happiness for a man who has his own hangups. Good for you for being smart and recognizing what he's doing to you, by posting this problem. I wish you luck dear on whatever decsions you make in being happy, once again. You have some thinking to do and he has some self-realizations' to come to about his behaviours. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (14 August 2006):
 You are not hormonal - it is normal to have ups and downs in relationships. He sounds incredibly manipulative and you have to remember he is flawed - he has failed at one marriage already...not so perfect eh? He probably does feel insecure about his sexual problems but he shouldn't make you do stuff you don't want to. However, how you respond to him is critical in this relationship. From what you write I think he is a dominant person and you are more passive. He may ask you to do things in bed, but you can say 'no' and show how much you disapprove. He needs to be re-educated that the bedroom is a place of equals and that you have the right to be happy and comfortable too. If he loved you then he wouldn't want you to do stuff that makes you unhappy. He has truely manipulated you - if you express your unhappiness he plays the emotional card to silence you. Then you end up more unhappy in the end. You have to remember that relationships are supposed to be fun and enjoyable - try to get your relationship to that place, or leave him for someone who doesn't treat you like Debbie from Dallas...
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (14 August 2006):
'He says i make him feel very insecure and am being silly'
This comment is telling. One possibility here is that most of this behaviour is stemming from his sexual insecurity. A man who is sexually insecure can try to compensate for this through performance: stuff like 'pushing the boundaries' (as you said he does), and flirting inappropriately. His history of medication would also greatly increase his insecurity here, and give him even more to prove. Basically he might just be trying to fuck you like a porn star so that he can prove that ... he can fuck you like a porn star (and is a 'man', a 'stud', 'masculine and manly', and so on).
Unfortunately it can be very hard for a man to admit to himself that he is sexually insecure, which is something he will have to do for himself before he can truthfully admit it to you. What is more, since you are the person he is supposed to be sexually satisfying, you will be a particularly difficult person to do this with. The most likely response is that he'll redirect his insecurity on you... that you are being sexually unreasonable, or are not attractive, or just generally being hurtful in order to redirect the negativity.
If all this is the case, then the solution to your situation will involve him coming to terms with his sexual issues. One on one therapy is probably the most direct route, although you may be able to get there through very careful and mutually supportive discussions (keep your cool!) between the two of you. However, for him to go to therapy, he first has to admit he has a problem, which sounds like it isn't going to be easy.
Best of luck
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