A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all I'm looking for some advice please.My boyfriend and I have been together for 5.5 years. He went out last night to see a gig with his friend as he does often, and he turned up at my door this morning to say he lost his phone. I don't have his friend's number, so I asked him if he wanted to use my laptop to send him a Facebook message to see if he had it. He said yes, and when he logged in he had a message from this friend. However, when he opened it it was a photo which to me, looked like it showed my boyfriend standing at a bar with two or three girls wearing underwear and suspenders. He shut the screen down quickly, and when I questioned him about the photo he dismissed it and said his friend is always sending him rubbish and it's not worth worrying about. He then logged out of Facebook and offered to make me lunch. Smelling bs, I asked him if he'd been to a strip club the night before (which I really wouldn't care about but I would expect him to tell me if it was all above board) and he flatly denied it. He then started telling me that his friend has form for sending him photos of his conquests and that's probably what it was.After that he was making far too much effort to act normally, and finally after confronting him a third time he admitted they had gone to a strip club. He said he had only lied because he thought I would be upset, and he only went there because of his friend and all the usual stuff. He promises I now know the whole story, but how can I be sure? We've had our issues but I was always sure he was honest with me and now I just don't know. I understand that it could be harmless but it just seems so much more shady after he lied to my face about it, especially after 5 years together. I feel so hurt and wonder what else he could have kept from me/ lied to me about. How can we move forward from this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's genuinely not about the strip club, it's the fact he so easily lied to my face (and was so good at it) that's really upsetting me. I always tell him everything about where I go and what I do, and I thought he did for me too. When he told me this morning that he'd been out to a few bars after the gig then home, I had no reason not to trust him and didn't think to ask him any further questions, but now I'm thinking about all the other times he's said that and whether that's actually the case.
He's always telling me that I'm such a cool girlfriend because I've never attempted to tell him what to do or impose any rules on him (unlike his friends' girlfriends) so he knows I'm not like that. So why lie numerous times and try to convince me that I was wrong about what I saw?
It might also help to know that there was an incident a while back where I was told on a night out that he'd been sending flirty messages to his ex (who he wasn't fully over when we met), and when I asked him he promised he hadn't and swore he'd never lie to me. I thought he seemed sincere and really believed that was true, but now I'm not sure because lying seemed to come so naturally to him this time (if I hadn't seen the photo I'd have thought he were telling the truth).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2014): When your friend lies and hides , believe what he's telling you he really is
Honor your hurt
Listen to your gut your brain will eventually catch up.
You do know , you're just lying to yourself , it's much easier to do than face the situation
How can you trust him again , first time trust is free . Second time trust has to be earned and that comes with closely watching ., and time.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (1 December 2014):
It's called a " white lie". If you don't have a problem with him going then there's not really a problem. Unfortunately, people lie to protect themselves. I'd guess everyone does but I can't say for sure.
In my opinion it doesn't indicate cheating or the possibility of a major lie.
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