A
female
age
36-40,
*hocares86
writes:Well me and my fiance have been together for 10 years, I was 14 when we started him 18. Well when we first started he had told me he wasn't a virgin and had sex with his girlfriend before me, but then after we had sex he said he was lying. Off an on for years he's hinted that he did do something, finally the other night I flat out asked him the story, and he said he did have sex with her after prom but before senior week then they stopped talking then he had sex with a random girl during senior week, and he didn't use protection with either girl. I feel betrayed because I really believed for 10 yrs I took his virginity ... I mean I sometimes thought maybe he did it before me with his ex.. but now it's two girls? I want to cry really bad because it hurts so bad to imagine my fiance with other girls, the only thing that made me feel special was knowing we lost our V to each other... boy was I wrong.He said he didn't tell me because it wasn't my business since it was BEFORE us, and that he never ever cheated and never will.My question is... Am I over reacting by being upset and feeling betrayed? I mean I feel so helpless and confused and it's haunting me all day and night... I want to cry even now as I type... Someone help me!
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 December 2009):
 Your right.. I am missing the point... He has lied, and continues to lie, and you don't know where you stand with him... yep, that hurts, and it makes it hard to trust. Back off on the whole subject for a while.. Just don't bring it up, let it die. Then maybe in a couple of years or so, just casually ask again. As Frenzotic has said, your not going to get a truthfull answer right now, he's too scared of upsetting you and seems to be telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Please, please, please, if you can, then let it go, just for a while, eventually he'll be able to open up and tell you the whole truth.
PS: Mr anonymous, you really must not make assumptions about people's sexual history. People can think that past histories do not matter at all, without having had sex with the world. You make to many assumptions for me.. lol
A
female
reader, whocares86 +, writes (5 December 2009):
whocares86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice.
The reason I feel upset is not because I am stingy and want a 'virgin'... when we first met I honestly believed he was with another girl, which didn't matter to me at the time, but then after we had sex, he confessed he was a virgin. Which to me made it extra special. So for 10 years I was under the impression I was the only girl he made love with. Then a few days ago he told me he did sleep with two other girls, which made me feel betrayed because he lied. I didn't care 10 years ago, but all of a sudden it changes?
Now he's telling me he really didn't but wanted to say he did because I didn't believe his 'no I didn't have sex' for years on in he said... I really don't know what to believe or think anymore.
I just feel lied to, and the fact I'm not sure if he's lying still or not makes it really confusing and difficult to handle. I never asked for personal information, but being given it one minute one thing the next another thing just frustrates me.
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quote: 'Another thing... what are you going to do if he wasn't a virgin? Are you gonna leave him and try to find a virgin guy even though your no longer a virgin. Are you gonna stay with him and keep nagging him and crying and feeling bad and upset? What are you going to do if your boyfriend lied?'
me: Maybe you're missing the point here. It's the fact he has decided to lie and change the truth several times through many years. I have been with him for 'many' many years, and if someone can sit there and hold a secret that deep then change it at will just makes me concerned on what else they could be keeping from me... and it hurts because here for many years I believed I was the one and only, and to me it is special, not because I crave a virgin, but because he gave ME that special gift, which he decides to change the answer to when he feels like it. I just want the God's honest truth and to go from there. I can not stand lying, or games. Sure it was before me, but he decided to come to me with information, therefore it affects me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): When taking advice for this you have to put it in perspective. People with 5 or 10 or 25 sex partners are going to hear you ask, "is it okay that I'm so hurt that he slept with 2 other people?" And they're going to be like oh God, WHATEVER!
But they are not you, they have not been dating your BF for 10 years, and they do not have your (lack of) other history.
I don't think you are overreacting at all. People lying about their sexual histories can be very hurtful and the betrayed feelings often never go away.
For some reason the common opinion is like "whatever." But I think that has nothing to do with what's right. It sounds like a bunch of people who cheated to get A grades on their exams saying "whatever, big deal" to the one person in the class who actually studied for real and is upset about their cheating.
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A
female
reader, Frenzotic +, writes (5 December 2009):
 Your fiance is unsure of how you're handling it hence he's telling you 'yes I did' then at the sight of you upset 'no I didn't' which isn't good as it makes the situation confusingIt would have been nice if you were his first, I know how important it must be and how incredibly upset you may be but you shouldn't be, people are curious souls, especially at a young age. You guys have been together for 10 years, engaged and he tells you he's never cheated on you and never will. Know that he loves you, don't dawn on his past, look at what you guys have now and in the future.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 December 2009):
Another thing... what are you going to do if he wasn't a virgin? Are you gonna leave him and try to find a virgin guy even though your no longer a virgin. Are you gonna stay with him and keep nagging him and crying and feeling bad and upset? What are you going to do if your boyfriend lied?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 December 2009):
Your overeacting... what matters more, the 10years you've spent together, or having a man that is pure. Virginity is totally overated in my opinion. Your not a virgin, neither is he, that's what is happening NOW, the past is gone, and dwelling on it will ruin your future. He's with you, and he's faithfull, what dose it matter what he done before? Is your love so shallow, that actions he done when he was young would make you turn away? What happens if he gets raped (yes it happens) what happens if he has an accident and can't have sex anymore? Would these things make you love him less. Why is his virginity so important to you? What about his personality, his character, his love for you. Isn't these the important things. When you are old and dying, the last thing you'll think about is who your man slept with before you met him. You are wasting your life and making yourself very upset and probably ruining a relationship with a man who you've known and loved for most of your life.
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A
female
reader, whocares86 +, writes (5 December 2009):
whocares86 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow he's telling me he didn't and was sick of saying no for 10 years...
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