A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles, having a little problem in my relationship and I always find the advice here helpful. Recently I found out that my boyfriend used to do drugs. When we were going out, he did not tell me about his drug history. I specifically asked him if he did drugs or knew anyone like that. I don't intend to have anything with people who do drugs at all. But we're at a point in our lives where we have considered getting engaged and married, planned out long term goals etc. So you can imagine the news to me when he finally owned up. I was furious and sad as well. So I told him I wanted some time to calm down before I spoke to him again. During that time I wrote in my diary how I felt about the situation. I felt more calm after writing in my diary and spoke to him about how I felt. But he felt upset that I did not directly speak to him about the situation. Did I do something wrong here???? Shouldn't we take some time to calm down when we are angry?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 March 2016):
 Lying is never a good thing in a relationship, but most people do EMBELLISH a little. It's in our nature.
For me, however there is a BIG difference from telling a straight up lie to embellish the truth.
He lied because he didn't want you to think bad of him, maybe also because he was ashamed of his "drug" past. He didn't consider that lying to you has consequences. And one of those consequences is that, you 1. got mad that he lied and 2. you start to lose a bit of trust in him. Doubt will creep in and make you go, what ELSE did he lie about?
And I think That is how I would express my feelings on the subject to him.
If he is no longer involved in drugs, he has take a big step on his own. That is something good.
My big brother was a pot head. HUGE pot head. Spend 4 years on college with nothing to show for at the end. His GF, my mom and I got him to see that there was NO way but down if he keep pot being the most important thing in his life. He went on to being highly successful (still is) and that was 25+ years ago. The "pot" didn't make him successful, not did they hinder it.
Your BF is not the drugs he used. He is who is he.
And I get your resentments towards drugs and lying. What you have to decide is whether his past and the lie is so detrimental to your relationship that it needs to end or if it is a "blessing in disguise" with that I mean a PRIME opportunity to discus boundaries and lying.
We ALL have deal-breakers and I think that is OK. It's not about being judgmental. It's about NOT appreciating someone lying about SUCH a big thing as drugs.
If taking some time to think things over is what YOU need, then that is fine. (I don't think you two need to "break up" or "take a break" while you ponder it) But maybe stepping away to think on it is a good thing. Maybe a week-end with friends or visiting your parents.
But.... IT IS STILL a thing you two need to TALK about without fighting. It's not like thinking it over will fix it. TALKING it over, might.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): Yes you have the time to take time away when upset! But keep in mind that some ppl boil when they wait. You should know by now which one he is and respect that by not making him wait till you calm down! It's not all about you! He wanted you to give him a chance, get yo know him before you made a judgmental decision to dump him over the PAST. It would have been better though, for him to have dumped YOU before he wasted his time. I kee my stuff private until I get to know ppl and decide if they're worth my time. Judgmental ppl are not.
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A
female
reader, LJCX  +, writes (2 March 2016):
 While I personally don't feel that drugs are an automatic road to self destruction and yes many successful people have taken drugs, you obviously feel differently and this is why you asked him outright not only if he ever did drugs but also asked if he knew anybody like that.I have a feeling you have a strong opinion on not wanting a partner who took drugs and that is why you asked him. I can't ever remember asking somebody if they had taken drugs in the past and that's because I don't know people who take them and don't have horror stories about them.You did the right thing going off to clear your head and I wish that I had the same restraint when I'm upset over things. There is nothing worse than having a big argument and blurting out things you wish you never said.Just be careful that it doesn't come across as being ignorant or doing it as some kind of punishment. If this ever happened again you should just tell him that you want to stop talking for a bit just so you can calm down and when you feel calmer you will talk to him all about it. Tell him it's not silence because you want to split up and you definitely will get back in touch shortly.But at the end of the day people do make mistakes and they are embarrassed of things they've done in the past. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have the right to know about every single past discretion, as long as he wasn't a secret axe murderer in the past or anything! lol. I bet there are a few things you have done wrong it doesn't mean you want to tell him all about it. I'm sure that there are skeletons in your closet.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (2 March 2016):
I'd first of all like to say that I too hate drugs and my previous relationship ended over something very similar to this (he was still doing drugs behind my back though so much worse).
Firstly, I don't think you need to loosen up or any of that other stuff people will tell you. You feel how you feel, and if one of those feelings is that you don't want to associate with people who put themselves at legal and physical risk then that's up to you. Quite right I'd say in fact! I had to deal with a lot of people invalidating my feelings about drugs when I ended my relationship and it's not fair or nice to be told your opinion doesn't count or is old fashioned.
Secondly, you seem to be more upset about the lying. That I also understand as I too asked my ex about drugs and he lied to me, later excusing that by saying he knew he might lose me. Well yeah, that's why I asked! To avoid being put in the situation of having to end a 6 year relationship with someone I loved because we had different values. If he'd told me upfront we each could have found someone more suited and saved a year of heartache.
Now your situation doesn't seem as bad as mine because he no longer does drugs, so I'm not for a second suggesting you end things with him. However I can see why you were so upset and why you needed to take some time to process what you'd heard.
I'd suggest you explain to your boyfriend that that's the type of person you are so he doesn't get the wrong end of the stick and think you are trying to punish him or something. Sometimes it's good to clear your head in situations like that or things can escalate into a fight which you obviously didn't want.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 March 2016):
 Just explained to him you wanted sometime to calm down, because if you didn't do that well then you both probably would have had a big argument. Sometimes it is better to avoid talking when emotions are running high. Explain that to him. It could be he just wants to blame you for something so he is using this as an excuse.
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A
female
reader, ellsie96 +, writes (2 March 2016):
 Hi there! I can understand why you are hurt over why your boyfriend lied to you, but think of it this way - you said you wouldn't have got involved whatsoever with someone who did drugs, and he could probably sense this too. And he thought, you know what? One white lie here won't hurt anyone! If I tell the truth she's gonna leave me and won't be interested in me at all. He didn't want to lose you, he liked you and he didn't want you to see him as a bad guy, so he lied.I know it's horrible when a partner lies to you - you begin to think that if they lied about this, what else?But I wouldn't worry - he DID eventually tell you. You didn't find out from someone else, this wasn't a secret you uncovered. He knew the right thing was to tell you, and you should be thankful for that.I think that if you love him, then this is just a minor hiccup and you can move on from it. Like Denizen said, lots of people try and experiment with drugs, and if he's all done with it now, what is really the big deal?Forgive him for the lies and continue the relationship! :)
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (2 March 2016):
 What kind of drugs are we talking about here? I imagine they are the illegal ones. However attitudes are changing and it's about time. There are enough lawyers, judges, CEOs and doctors who have had a go at some illicit substances for it not to be the outrage it once was among the middle classes.
Your boyfriend was honest with you. You should respect that. What either of you have done in the past shouldn't be a problem if you love each other now.
Make up, and get on with making each other happy. And don't be too straight-laced. Crumbs, it's like the 60s never happened.
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