A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I live in (MOD NOTE: City was deleted for privacy) Florida and have 3 daughters; twins [non-identical] aged 23 and a 19-year-old daughter who is their half-sister born to my husband (the twins' stepdad). The twins were born in 1989, and the father (who I'd been dating for 2 years) left when they were just 18 months old and disappeared into obscurity, not seen since. He was never abusive or mean, a good guy. I didn't even hear anything from himOur marriage has been good, there has NEVER been any of the "You're not my dad" or "You can't tell me what to do" at all, they love their stepdad and actually call him Dad, even though I never told them they had to.However, in the last week or so, their dad suddenly turned up at our house; he came in an old 1980s Buick Regal, he looked obese and slovenly, and came showing a photo. I asked him when he turned up at the door who he was and he said "I'm Mark [not his real name], your ex from years ago, remember the good ol' days" and showed me a photo of us on a beach. He was obese and stunk horribly of booze and fags. To be honest, I didn't remember him, but I let him in out of politeness and the fact he managed to verify himself. He admitted he'd got friends to trace me on Facebook (I'm not on there, but some of my friends/work colleagues are) - he said one of our old high school photos was on there.I told him the girls don't live here any more - well, not technically true - one of the 23 year old twins does, and our 19 year old daughter does, but she was working a shift at the convenience store. My husband was at work anyway (he works for a local Toyota dealer and deals in the distribution side of things, managing delivery etc.)He then said to me "I drove from Stockton, California for this!! Didn't come here for nothing". That's like 2,857 miles, a 40 hour drive (Google Maps tells me this anyway)!I'm in two minds here; should I let him see his now grown-up children again, or do you think he will do a disappearing act?As far as my children are concerned, he'd probably be a stranger to them. Yes, he may be their dad biologically, but not emotionally. To them their stepdad would be their dad (well, for the 19-year-old half-sister it is the case). They don't know how to respond and are pretty stressed.I don't really know what to do and would appreciate some advice on this; this situation is pretty new to me. It's worrying me, especially as it's Christmas right now.** I am on a public terminal right now, so may not get to see this until later on. Thanks for understanding.
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (24 December 2013):
Your daughters our 23....it means they are adults. They deserve the right to know. I'm actually in the same place as you. Only my daughter is 4. She hasn't seen her biological dad in about a year and a half. She doesn't ask about him or say a thing about him or his house. I do not speak his name in my house.
Due to her age I am making the decision not to tell her. I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing....but I believe when she is older and he shows up at the door I will tell her the truth.
Put yourself in their position, would you want to know the truth?
Good Luck.
Good Luck
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 December 2013):
 The girls are adults and as such it's their right to see or not see their biological dad.
I'm sorry he handled it so badly by just showing up out of the blue like that. It was wrong of him to do it that way but clearly from the get go 23 years ago he was a mess and a half.
I would sit the girls down (the twins this has no impact on the 19 yr old) and tell them the truth and let them decide.
THEN if they want to meet him they can do it on neutral territory such as a diner or coffee shop.
IF they don't want to meet him, (as is their right) then he needs to be told they do not wish contact.
WHATEVER YOU DO, you must remain calm and neutral towards him. DO NOT say bad things about him to the girls. Let them decide how they feel about him.
it's a lousy time of year for him to do this.
the way he did it was also horrible....
as an aside perhaps there is a reason that this has happened now... perhaps he knows he's dying or something and is trying to make amends...
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (22 December 2013):
 The prodigal son. This reunion is for your ex's benefit alone. Not your daughters' and certain not yours. He's only interested in forging a relationship because he's down on his luck. If he were at the top of his game he'd be steering clear of you for fear of being hauled to court for retroactive child support.
It is very rude for anyone to show up at your doorstep uninvited, but for a long lost father, it's extremely selfish and inconsiderate. He didn't have the class or the common courtesy to give you a heads up first.
I would remain very cool, but civil with him. Formal and business like.
Your daughters are adults so whether or not they want to have anything to do with him is entirely up to them, and I would support them in whatever decision they made but not at the expense of my own happiness and sense of security. I'd be matter of fact about all this. Share your concerns with them and let them decide. Warn them that he is here for his sake not theirs and if they proceed, to do so with caution. If they don't want to meet him, all the better.
It goes without saying that you don't let him stay at your place, you don't extended him the customary hospitality because ANY help/support/favours he receives from you will only encourage him to outstay his welcome. He's a parasite.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 December 2013):
 Has this man payed child support in all those years? Or did he just vanish?
I like the idea of him writing them a letter and letting the girls decide if they WANT to see him or not, you do NOT OWE him anything or access.
I would NOT invite him in again unless your new husband is OK with it, and certainly not a guy who smells of booze.
He will be a stranger. What some people would call a sperm donor, nothing more. And I would FULLY leave it up to the girls to decide where and how much contact they want. They might be curious and have questions too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2013): Because your twins are 23 it's not really a case of you "letting him" see them - it's about whether they want to see him.Ask them if they want to meet him - don't make the decision for them.He may well turn out to be an inconsistent figure in their lives but since your twins have had a stable and loving upbringing from you and your husband (I'll assume they are fine, well-balanced young ladies.) I think they will be able to take this in their stride.I think you should tell your ex that it's not your decision to make anymore and ask him to keep his distance until your daughters have made up their mind and that this might take some time -ie. it won't be happening in time for Christmas (which I have a feeling was what he was hoping for.)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2013): This man is much a stranger to you .. As he will be to your adult daughters .. By the sounds of things ( and I'm sorry to to the males) I would be very hesitant if not damn wary of bringing him into the fold..I mean what does he want after nearly 21 years of absence ?? He clearly has alcohol and hygiene issues .. What else money issues? I would be inclined to steer well clear . But under the circumstances, your daughters have a right to know that he's on the scene .. I think you and your husband need to address this ASAP .. The girls need to know they are under no obligation to see him or help him .. In whatever the cause ..This is their decision !! But you must give a factual account to then if how he turned up at your door. How he smelt looked etc .. I mean just because he drove that many miles, I wouldn't feel sorry for him he is using that as emotional leverage .. So what, he drove over state or whatever .. What matters here is his reason behind coming .. I also think if I were you that I would put to the girls if they didn't wish to see him, that their dad ( step dad) would see him in a public place. And find out why now?? Had he turned up?? What possible motive or what will he gain ?? By seeing his adult daughters now ??You are a family.. Do not let some stranger as that what he is .. Come in and ruin it .. Take care and merry Christmas Try not to fret, have the talk as soon as you can all together ..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2013): Being 23 i think you have to let the twins decide if they want to meet him. It is not your decision now that they are adults, they are secure in your love so if old daddy turns out to be a jerk they will recognise how lucky they were to have a step dad love them unconditionally. Clearly its not them but him with the problems, they will see that and if they don't you can talk it over with them. If they say they don't want to know him then at the very least you should get his contact details in case they get curious later on.I would also get old dad to make arrangements to come when you have talked to both girls and they are in agreement to see him. Turning up out of the blue is not on. He had your address, he could very well have written a letter and told you what day he's coming. That way you were at least home.Don't stop the girls from seeing their dad. They need to be able to judge him for themselves and even hear his words as to why he wasn't around.He does seem quite rude and expectant but losing nothing by letting the girls find that out. It may hurt them but at least the question mark about him will no longer be there.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (22 December 2013):
 You didn't ask him where he's staying, or who he's staying for the night? Did he go to the convenience store then?
Driving across countries gives me a nightmare. Only crazy people would do it, without a guarantee of a result. Also driving an old car with the chance of it dying on the road means he is risking his life to see the only people who would give him inspiration to go on. He couldn't afford a ticket, and there is a chance he wouldn't make it back to California. I think he will try to find the daughters himself. It has to be your daughters' decision. I know my curious personality would say let's do this. You should speak to your husband and see what he thinks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2013): Well, there's no relationship with you so he's not allowed to come to your house and intrude on your safe space.If he wants to talk to the children, he can let write them a letter telling them why he disappeared and why suddenly wants to see them again. This is so that they have time to process everything. He can then leave his contact details of the hotel / motel he's staying at. Ie. Telephone number and mobile number. He can also suggest a time to meet up if they are willing to. It can't be in your home because you do not want to set a precedent where he is welcome to intrude on you anytime he wants to. so he can arrange a meeting in a cafe or whatever where he can meet up with them if they choose to see him.I am sorry that you've had an unpleasant past dragged up like this. Just be there for your daughters and help them through this difficult time. They will probably feel guilty or responsible somehow for not being emotionally connected to him and you need to be there to tell them it's ok. there's no pressure for them to have a relationship right now or at all. It's entirely up to them and what they want. They are entitled to keep him at arm's length if that's what feels right to them.
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