A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 23 years recently walked out on me and our children (10 and 15)after behaving really badly towards us, and our extended family and friends, for a couple of months. He packed and left and moved straight in with a 24 year old he met at work (known her for 3 years but no attachment until 6 or 8 weeks before he left and then an emotional, not physcial affair) He is 45. He'd opened his own bank account, taken some of our savings and rented a flat, and I fonnd out later even applied for mortgages with her. Prior to that we were happy, despite the fact that I had recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and we had pulled through it together. He was brilliant throughout my treatment, and I was fortunate to only have minor scarring from the op. He tells me he is in love with her, but was not unhappy with me or our marriage, he didn't mean it to happen, wasn't looking, he just couldn't help it. He hopes no one else ever has to make the agonizing decision he had to. However, there was no discussion after all that time together, no chance or opportunity for us to work through what was really the problem to see if we could resolve it. I am devastated alternating between just wanting him to realise what a stupid decision he has made and what he has given up, and thinking how dare he do that to me and there is no way I would have his lying, cheating self back in my life if he was the last man on earth. It is still early days, less than three months. I don't think his new relationship will last - since it has been out in the open it has received universal approbation, our children are being pushed to spend time with them as a couple if they want to see their father and don't like her very much. I know her family and friends, like his, are devastated by what she has done. However, I can undertand why she would fall in love with my husband, who was wonderful, a great father and a good looking man, but since he took up with her he hss lost his moral compass, his values, and looks years older and is no longer the man I have loved for 25 years. We have very supportive family around us, great friends, good jobs, a nice home, great kids and although not wealthy we are able to have a nice lifestyle, all that will be gone as a result of his affair. I guess my question is, is he likely to change his mind and come home and work on our marriage when the reality of what he has given up dawns?
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female
reader, prgirl71 +, writes (3 July 2010):
Even if he does change his mind you need to realize that it's not YOU or YOUR FAMILY that wasn't enough. It is a shortage or lack of something in HIM. Probably a mid-life crisis that has lead him to this other woman. And, while she is a whore for dating and now being with a married man...ultimately it is HIM that has done wrong. I'm pretty hard core and I don't see why you would ever take him back. I think you deserve better but then I don't have 23 years with anyone or any kids (a choice I made early on) so it's hard for me to walk in your shoes. All I can say is I've dated cheaters and cheated myself. It's never worth it and in a man's case... once he's cheated...it's hard to trust him again. 9 times out of 10 the way you get someone is the way you lose them - in other words he'll probably cheat on her with someone else or try to with you as his next step. It's very typical. Best of luck to you. You sound like a great woman. Turn to your family and try to live your new life rather than wait around for him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): I'm sorry but he's a pig! He won't be back. Taking some of the money from your JOINT account is completely wrong! That money was a symbol of your commitment to eachother! Kick his arse hon!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 July 2010):
 He hopes no one else ever has to make the agonizing decision he had to.
Yeah, sophie's choice has nothing on this. Choosing between your marriage and a young pussy.
Agree with TimmD, if he comes back it is just because this fling didn't work out. The next one might.
He rejected what he had, why do you want someone back that rejected you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): TimmD,
I am the OP, although not sure that will register as I posted anonymously and am now using a different computer. Thank you so much for posting - objective replies are so good to add to the subjective comments from friends and family who have their own agendas to follow.
What you have replied makes perfect sense, and is part of the reason I keep trying to find a "logical" explanation, when there really is none. I think deep down he does know why it happened, but he can't be honest with me or himself why it did, hence my thinking whatever the real issue is he has just taken it along with him to his new relationship, and starting that the way they have is unlikely to lead to a happy outcome. Part of me thinks the only thing that would make any sense of the pain and devastation caused so far would be for them to have a lasting, happy marriage. I know many people would think "move on" immediately, I'm worth better than this, and my children deserve much more, but it's hard to give up on someone who has been your lover and best friend so long and through some very hard times. I am sure others in my situation will appreciate that it is not just about the "here and now" it's giving up on all the hopes and dreams you had for your future - mortgage soon to be paid off, financing kids through college so they don't come out with debt, buying them their first car, maybe both working fewer days per week to allow more time for "us" as the kids grow. His place at the table for the various extended family events we have celebrated so far has seemed so empty, I am not quite ready to give up on him just yet and I know that because of our children we will be bound together forever - prom, graduation, engagements, weddings, grandchildren etc etc Believe me I am under no illusions as to how hard a possible reconciliation might be, or that there is any guarantee if we agreed to try it we could make it work, it would only work if "my" man came back and was willing to be very open and honest. The man he is right now she is welcome to! I am very calm about the whole situation right now, although that can change rapidly, not sure if it is due to refusing to face what is happening, or the result of many prayers and God's grace letting me know to remain patient and hopeful and leave it all to him. I have managed to retain my dignity and self respect throughout, I told him once, right at the start, that I loved him and would like us to work this out, but not since, just been polite about the arrangements for the children and made sure I am pleasant, looking my best whenever I know I will see him, and making sure that he is also aware that I am not sitting here waiting for him - holidayed with the children, done weekend trips to city for theatre, accepted just about every invitation friends have extended and booked events for the future - some we would normally have done with him, others new, as I know that whatever happens the kids and I need to create a new life going forward.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (2 July 2010):
 There is a definite chance he will change his mind. But it's more complicated than that. Why would he change his mind? I know you would like to think he would just wake up one day and realize "I miss my wife!", but most times in these instances he sees that the "honeymoon" period is gone along with the passion and he's left with an immature person who is not who he thought she was. So basically, her changing is the only thing that forces him back.
Unfortunately, what you have to understand is that he made his choice. Nobody falls in love by accident. I hear that expression all of the time, but it's just an excuse. I'm sure he's been flirting with him for a good while and slowly falling in love because he let himself.
Now the next question is, if he did change his mind.... would you take him back? SHOULD you take him back? Unfortunately what he did to you wipes away any of his prior acts of kindness. Because, how could you trust him now? How can you be 100% sure he won't ever do this again? If he were to "promise" you, just give him the "I didn't mean for it to happen" speech that he gave you on this girl.... sure he doesn't mean for it to happen a second time, but it COULD still happen.
What he did was not a trivial thing. This sort of thing changes families. This will stick with your children for the rest of their lives. How much more do you want to subject them to?
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