A
female
age
41-50,
*allforward
writes:Hello Everyone,I came across this website by accident and what a blessing. I am hoping that some of you can make sense of what's going on with me. Here is my story in a nutshell:I have been married 5 years and have 2 children. We had the perfect life....until they sent my husband away for school. He met this group of friends that were single and living it up so ofcourse he felt deprived all of a sudden and picked up their bad habits including women. When he got home, he ended up getting sick in the hospital. I was there for him ofcourse and still ended up moving to Japan. Fast forward one year and he has not been home in the past couple weeks. He is on a ship that is gone quite a bit but it never bothered me as I focused on school and the great job I have here. Now he is telling me that he doesn't want to give me the time to heal from his cheating and he is done...Just like that. He wants me and the kids to leave and he wants to get his own place. Its like he is a totally different person and i can't wrap my mind around it. He even wants to move in the house even if he has to find a roommate. I don't know what to do. I have tried to talk to him but he has shut down on me. After I gave everything up again and made a good life here, I have to up and go with my kids. Sorry for the long story but I am in pieces right now. Thank you for any advice you can give.
View related questions:
military, roommate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): honey you haven't failed at all!you've done a GREAT job with your children most kids can't even dream of having such a commited and loving mother!you did everything you could,gave everything to him and got nothing in return.all you have to do is focus on the job you love so much and your children and i'm sure everything will be just fine.for what it's worth,i really admire you.if only more people out there were like you,our world would be a far better place.
A
female
reader, fallforward +, writes (25 March 2009):
fallforward is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your kind words of advice and inspiration. I truly believe that god has something great planned for me. He has too because I have done nothing but good in my life. I must admit it is very hard being on this small base and being a big part of the community. I don't regret coming here because it help me to realize what my dream job is. Everyday I help better someone's life by encouraging them to get their education. Its a priceless job that I get paid for. I was getting ready to start my masters here as well. I can't seem to feel he resents me for always moving forward especially since his career has been in jeopardy. Nevertheless, I have always encouraged him to never lose faith. If anyone could have known the man I married, you would be speechless. Everyday I thanked god for him. He couldn't have done anything better. That's what makes it so hard. Its like he left home and couldn't keep it together mentally. When he was in school, I took care of the house, putting it on the market, as well as preparing us to move to japan. When he came home and fell ill, I communicated with his command so he didn't get in trouble or have to use his sick days. The only thing he did was show the ticket counter his passport. He has never had to do anything except be a loving husband. He was treated very poorly in his past relationship..she spent all his money, never emailed him when he was at sea, and he even had to take a cab home. I on the other hand did the opposite...I joined the board for his ship that takes care of the families, sent him huge care packages, and emailed him daily about how proud of him i was. Come rain or shine I was at the pier waiting for him.
I apologize again for the long story but one can imagine what's going on with his mind. Its like he lost it. We were getting back to normal here until he was getting ready to turn 30 and felt his life meant nothing because he hasn't accomplished anything. We tried to work through it and the day before his birthday a couple weeks ago he spazzed out again. Today he is coming to see the kids and get a TV. He wants to get his own place because he is done with me. Mind you I never tried to abuse him when he confessed. Of course I would question things and to him that was too much. He is leaving me because he doesn't want to walk the road it will take for me to heal. I just can't get over that. The biggest thing for me is that I feel I let my kids down. I had my first child at 15 and made a success out of myself. The second time I tried to do it right...marriage, house, career, plan baby, have baby. Now I feel like a failure to my 3 year old.
Thank you again everyone for your words of encouragement. Failing was never an option for me and If I must fall, I will make sure it will be forward.
...............................
A
female
reader, tired82 +, writes (24 March 2009):
 I'm so sorry you are going through this. It must be so hard. I'm going to give you my perspective and advice. Don't give up on your marriage. You have two kids to care for and a good job in Japan. It seems like you are comfortable. He can't force you to leave, if you don't want to. You are on his orders as accompanied. You are his dependent and his wife. If he has cheated on you or is currently doing so, he has more to lose than just his family. Set your foot down and if you have to go to the First Sergeant for assistance then do so. I'm sure he'll listen to you once you get him involved. Try going to the Chaplain first. Either of them will be plenty of help.
I saw a similar situation to yours. A close friend who was in the military got involved with a married man also in the military. I told her not to because she was going to ruin a family but she didn't care she cared more about her feelings for this man. He claimed he wasn't happy in his marriage and blah blah blah so she felt the need to make him happy. I felt really bad for the other woman and her two kids but she didn't fight for her marriage. I think you should fight for it until no more can be done. Sooooo don't give up... go the route I mentioned and things shall work out. Best of luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): so not only does he drag you to JAPAN not only does he cheat on you and practically leave you to raise 2 kids on your won but now all of a sudden he decides that it's over and wants you out?your husband has treated you terribly,hasn't been an active part in your life for a very long time,and doedn't seem to be contributing in any way.personally,i think it's for the best that he decided to go on seperate ways.you are doing great,you have a great job and seem to be doing an excellent job with your kids.honey i admire you so much you must be so strong and independent,you don't need this jerk.lately it's been like you lived on your own anyway and still you did so good!i think you should get a divorce,honey.he's no good for you,he doesn't appreciate you and you don't need him.i'm sure you'll be so much better off without him.,and so will your children.he doesn't even seem to care about his own kids,what are you still doing with him?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): I am so sorry to hear that you "husband" is such a selfish person and even though I don't know him I know his kind.
It seems to me that he has another woman who he wants to be with and could care less about you or his family. I could be wrong but I doubt it, sorry to be such a buzz kill. He refused to even speak about this let alone work it out and that's a really clear indication that his mind is made up.(even though it seems to be a small one)
Cut your losses and move on, I know that's hard cause I did it but you will recover & find life is good without him. Make sure if you decide to move he foots the cost, it's the least he can do. You seem to be a good person, educated so you'll do well and maybe later on find a real man that appreciates what he has. You take care and I wish you the best.
...............................
|
