A
female
age
36-40,
*inx202
writes:Hi all,My boyfriend/fiancé moved out and left me a week ago. He's at home with family now.We met when I was on vacation abroad, he was not. It was love at first sight. After a month of dating, I had to go back home. Surprisingly, our "fling" didn't end there. After a year of pleasant long distance, I decided to move across the pond and I did.We've been living together for a year until now. Family, friends, and relatives have all warmed up and gotten used to the idea of him and me in a very serious relationship. I know that my talks of planning for the future scared him. My insecurity also translated into controlling and clingly often times in the relationship. I know my mistakes.He's been out of work for the past month, about the same time his insecurities about the relationship began. Spending 9am-9pm on the computer or vegged out in front of the TV pushed him to the edge of depression. I tried EVERYTHING to help him. I cooked for him, I suggested we go out, I took him to Rome, but nothing helped. Finally, after coming back from Rome, he told me:- He cannot be in this relationship anymore- He didn't want to think for two (responsibilities)- He didn't see us as made for each other- He just needed to be independentI asked if we could ever get back together, he said "no". But as he walked out the door...He hugged me, kissed me, and then he left saying "I just need to breath, we don't know what's going to happen"Last night he called to check up on me (I was extremely devastated when he left). He called me "babe" (this is a guy who never 'accidentally' slips on words), he asked how I was doing. I remained extremely composed and said very casually "I'm fine." It was clear he was not expecting that answer. Then when I told him to come by within the week because I had packed the remainder of his stuff, he said "Why did you pack them? Well I can't come right now. Thing's are a little hectic. Please don't throw them by the window."I still cling on to the hope that he may be coming back to me. Though, I'm planning to move back to the States within a few months.So I ask: What is going on in his head? Will he ever come back to me? What should I do from now on?I am falling apart. I changed my life for this guy, I moved abroad for this guy, I learned a foreign language for this guy, I moved away from all of my loved ones for this guy...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Who +, writes (26 April 2009):
 “What is going on in his head?”
A young man in his early 20’s? Not much in his head.
“I am falling apart.”
Relax, take a deep breath. If you decide, you can let things fall apart. But you don’t have to. Most young women go through what you are going through now at least once in their lives.
“I changed my life for this guy, I moved abroad for this guy, I learned a foreign language for this guy, I moved away from all of my loved ones for this guy...”
OK most young ladies do not do all of that. You did all those things for him, but maybe it will turn out YOU will benefit more from them then he. Not that many people can/do learn a foreign language; it has in fact expanded your mind. People with 2 languages have a broader point of view and deeper understanding, and can learn additional new tasks easier. (They also keep their mental capacities through out old age, but you don’t need to worry about that right now.) Likewise living in another county has broadened your horizons, giving you experiences you can draw upon for the rest of your life. What you did for this guy is have an adventure, something most people never have the guts to do in their whole lives. It will give you the strength and courage to tackle the future unknowns and hardships life with throw at you, and achieve higher goals.
“I still cling on to the hope that he may be coming back to me…. Will he ever come back to me? What should I do from now on?”
I field a fair number of these questions on this site. My pat answer is “maybe but most likely not; move forward on the assumption of “not”. Be prepared for him to come back but don’t expect it. He said it is over and HE left. If you two are going to get back, HE has to do the work to win YOU back. Don’t chase him. “ A broken heart feels like it is going to kill you but it won’t. Look at all the songs, poems, stories and bad Disney Channel movies from around the world about broken hearts, throughout history.
You, I wish I could give a better answer; you deserve a better one. But the answer above is the only one I have.
Best of luck, sorry I could not be more helpful, but somehow I think you will make it all right despite that.
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