A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex of 4 1/2 years was cheating on me and left me for his mistress. I am having trouble getting past this, there are times where I am ok but truth be told I am still very raw, Its been about a year and I find that there are times I want him to hurt him for as much as he hurt me! I did blow the whistle on him, his mistress did not know he was with me...but she I guess forgave him....I told her she could have him....because as hurt as I am I am way too stubborn to be with someone who doesn't respect me! That and I love my parents for all that they sacrificed to have a good life to be a doormat! So with all that how come I still hurt? It has affected me personally as well, I have been admitted to the hospital for severe dehydration, lost weight, gained weight...I have never been like this before! This has got to stop. But how?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Oh Sweetie, he hasn't GOT a happily ever after, ONLY in your mind. No one ever has a happily ever after, not even the most suited of couples. Love and living together is not a Fairy Tale, it presents lots of ups and downs, and sometimes more downs than ups where people are tested. ALL relationships go through this, including the ONE HE's in right now.
The miscarriages are really upsetting for you, you really must try to get some emotional support - a counsellor would help you with this and other areas of your life, your ex. You don't have to know what to look for in a counsellor, just that they are a counsellor, they would guide you, and you could really off-load all those inner painful feelings you have. Look at it like a wound, you fall down get, your knee gets badly grazed, it has all kinds of debris in it, but once cleansed debris, the healing process starts.
No different for your feelings. Try not to think that they do things to get at you or hurt you, as I don't think ( Now don't get upset by this) even be thinking of you when they do things on facebook or wherever. You know people say many things, such as him not seeing you as a gf, as major as that is to you now, really it is just playground stuff, and the female he's with now, it is not her fault HE is such a cheat, that he couldn't end it with your first, before ever dating or moving in with them.
But of course you are still grieving a lot, miscarriages and your ex, therefore everything will seem a 100 times more painful. Nothing I'm afraid you can do with changing the grieving process, it has to gone through, just like any wound, it has it's stages before healing finally takes place.
Please try to see a professional, it really would help you.
Take care and I'm so sorry about your miscarriages!
Jilly
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Jilly,I don't know what to even look for in a counselor or therapist. I feel somewhat confused when asking for help. I keep reading your advice over and over and it is somewhat of a comfort feeling. My doctor has put me on an anti-depression medicine, which has helped a lot. However, I was snooping a few weeks ago (I wish I wouldn't have done it) but now his mistress is going by his last name on facebook. I don't think he is married because they didn't change their relationship status and I checked marriage licenses and there were no records of it. So I think they are doing it just to hurt me. What gets me is during our 4 1/2 year relationship I had 4 miscarriages. He now is with her and she has a 9 year old daughter (from a previous marriage) and he moved in with them. He also told her (when I busted him and contacted her about what he was doing, she told me that he told her he never considered me a girlfriend....which was b.s.! I told her that he was telling me the same about her, but she I guess forgave him) But this is where I am having trouble, He lied. He cheated. Why does he get a happily ever after?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Oh dear, I'm so sorry you are feeling so wretched. Four and a half years with someone is a long, long time together and for him to have left for his mistress, the female I presume he was seeing whilst you were together, is a deep blow to self-esteem, so no wonder you are, as you say feeling raw.
12 months is not such an awfully long time to be feeling like you do 'RAW' however, the other symptoms you have suffered or are currently suffering denotes to me, you really need some outside professional help, counselling I mean. I am a counsellor myself, and if anyone presented to me the symptoms you have, I would most certainly be suggesting they need to work through some of their feelings, as obviously your inner turmoil has presented itself physically, as probably you have tried to get over your boyfriend by not accepting how YOU feel.. devastated.
I know a lot of people mean well, but most offer the advice, 'oh you're better off without him' ' plenty more fish in the sea' ' forget about him, just move on' ' keep busy, get out meet other guys' Well all this is OK, if you've only been dating a couple of months, where the deep bonding process has not taken place, only this is not the case with you.
We cannot go from loving someone deeply, to NOT feeling anything for them and being pain free emotionally in an instant - those that try, usually end up not dealing with or working through all the hurt and anguish, so part of what they feel is pushed further inside, so months or even years later when they think they're ready to embrace a new relationship, suddenly feel fear of getting involved, fear of going through the whole thing again, this is called emotional baggage, and can prevent us from not only being complete in ourselves, but also for any future relationships. So please think about this, and please, please don't think you have to deal with this alone.
You are in essence suffering a ' Bereavement ' only with death, the acceptance is the person is not around some corner living another life, when we feel our life as we knew it is over. This is tough for you, I know, I've been there myself.
My initial advice is to take your time, don't try to push yourself into dating, apart from you not being fully emotionally ready, it is also unfair on the guy, as he may be fully ready for a relationship. Try to get the proper amount of sleep, eat well, even if little an often, ensure you look after yourself, but my main advice is, please see your GP/medical doctor, and ask to see a counsellor or therapist to work through this.
Revenge is never a good thing, it really does erode us emotionally, although again, a lot of people feel it's good to inflict pain where pain was inflicted - but really it doesn't resolve anything, it may for a few hours, but overall IF we feel like that, that is SIGN we should deal with those issues personally and not on others.
The ultimate revenge is to be able RISE above all the pain, and eventually come out the other side and have a better life than you did before.
A brief TRUE story for you. A LTR I had of 12 years whom I loved a great deal at one time, well eventually the relationship was really over, but we were still under the same roof, but separate living areas, it was one the most awful situations I had ever experienced.
Well, we owned the home together, so he wanted to buy me out, which was fine, only he wanted to buy me out so low, far from what the property was worth, so I remained in situ whilst solicitors dealt with it. HE in the meantime to bully me, brought his then girlfriend into our home where I was and slept with her in our once shared bed, with me next door in my lonely bedroom. I could of course yelled, screamed, been abusive to him and her, but instead I held my head high and rose above HIS behaviour, that had more affect on him, trust me, than any revenge. Two months later, when I received the correct amount of money to start again, I saw him and her out, it was his birthday - So I sent them both a bottle of champagne over wishing him Happy Birthday, oh how I loved the fact I looked good, and they were starting to bicker, and his face was just the picture of such disbelief I could be so forgiving..That is the BEST revenge ever!!
So, take care of yourself, and please seek some advice, please..if you want to update me, please do.
Jilly x
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (21 November 2010):
it is said that friendship heals what love damages
and therefor i suggest that you spend much more time with your friends get your self buisy with social activities,
some professional help would heal allot of your problems aswell,
finaly dont bother your self with thoughts of revenge because usually days and time well do to him what he has done unto you
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