A
female
age
,
*ollyett
writes:my husband has been gone 7 weeks now, i think i am slowley coming to terms with the fact that my 25 year marriage is over. tonight he sent me a text moaning that his adult children are ignoring his texts and that he loves them so much, then saying he left me for a happier life, we were I thought very happy before the affair started 6 months ago with his co-worker. He said all he wants now is for me to be happy and be his friend. I dont see how that is possible he lost our security when he went bankrupt, plus he has left me for another women, and rubs it in my face about how happy he is. he has never said sorry for running out on me and acts like its all for the best, well its not for me. I feel like hes rushing me and the children to except everything and we cant, whats wrong with him? hes 49 do you think its a midlife crisis
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2013): my husband has left me and says he no longer loves me after 35 happy years of marriage he suffers from erectile dysfunction could this be midlife crisis/depression and i have also discovered he has been having an affair,i saw all this on his private messaging and he is denying it by by saying they are friends,i am now wondering if he left me using that excuse before he got found out,is this normal at this age maybe ran away from his guilt and now he has told so many lies i think this woman has got some kind of hold over him now,he appears to be angry and defensive now and i don,t think he can admit to his guilt because he must feel ashamed as i had a mental breakdown.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (3 November 2008):
He's pushing for friendship with you so the kids can forgive him and everything can go as well as he planned it in his mind.
Tell him you cannot be his friend as you are still too hurt and angry about what he did. If he says it was for a happier life then point out that it's not happy for you. Then stop responding as it will only get into an argument after that.
In his head I am sure he figured out that you would be far happier and better off once he went. He's just trying to justify his actions to himself because he can't face the fact he's a cheating man who dumped his wife.
Keep talking to your kids and friends so they can give you some support.
If you are not ready to forgive then just ignore all his texts and phone calls. You don't have to speak to him, you know he's not coming back so it is only going to hurt you.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (3 November 2008):
 We were married for fifteen years and the same thing happened to me. My husband up and left for a woman he worked with. He said that he had found real happiness with her and that i hadn't made him happy, he'd fallen out of love with me etc etc. Like you I was very happy and didn't see this coming. I too was furious about him leaving, the other woman and a whole load of things. What you have to remember in all of this is that your husband doesn't actually care about how you feel. He isn't sorry so you are not going to hear this. I wanted to hear this from mine so much but I never got a real sorry, a few half hearted attemps but not a true sorry. Mine came and went for about a year after me finding out about the affair and him leaving and i tried everything to make him come back to me but i knew it was all lip service with him. Then one day he completely stopped talking to me, just cut me dead and never spoke another word to me unless via a solicitor. Not one word, text or anything, it made me very ill.
From my experience I suggest you do absolutely nothing. Do not let him force you into any divorce or changing your circumstances with regard to the house or anything else. Ok he has been gone for 7 weeks - this is nothing. Yes at 49 it is a mid life crisus, mine was 41. He has gone because he is getting attention, a woman who he works with and can talk about his job to who is going to hang on his every word, constant sex and other things that will boost his ego. It is pure escapism and will not last. Statistically 90% of relationships when the person has left their husband/ wife to be with another do not last. If you behave decently through this he will realise what he has given up, 25 years is a hell of a long time. Normally there is a period of coming and going and re-adjustment on both sides. He may well come back when the excitement with this new chippy wears off. I was not good at this, I rang him all the time, made a fool of myself, begging and threatening him and all manner of things. He took out an injunction against me for harrassment. In hindsight I was really upset but he didn't give a toss so this was all a waste of emotion and solicitors costs. Because of all of this I would say for the time being just leave him alone. If he rings you be polite and efficient and no more. The children are grown up and they can choose to answer the phone / texts or not -it is up to them. I was treated terribly just being dumped when I thought I was a great wife but he didn't see it like that and you / me can think what we like it isn't going to change how they feel. Just do absolutely nothing at the moment and keep your dignity and head held high. Send me a message if you want to talk privately.
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