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female
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anonymous
writes: After a 2 and a half year affair, my partner has just left his wife to be with me. However, he insists on paying for all of the bills still in his former house as well as the mortgage and future CSA payments once that's been calculated.He's a good Dad and says he doesn't want to cause the kids any more stress. He doesn't want to uproot them. Personally I feel it's also due to the fact that he feels so guilty because of what he's done.I appreciate that he doesn't want to sell the house from under their feet, but we're struggling already. He refuses to take money out from their former joint bank account and at the moment, all of our bills are in my name.I'm trying to bite my lip, but the strain is taking it's toll all too soon. He says that "Thats the way it's always been" in their house, he pays the bills and her money is "her money." Yet clearly MY money is OUR money!I've had almost 3 years of being promised the fairytale, and although I know he's still the one for me, it's all gone flat a little too quickly. I never thought it would be easy, but I don't expect to be told that there is no money for us when he's running around buying computers and so on for his kids to ensure that they have got all the mod cons when they come to stay with us at the weekend.I feel that when he says "I've got no money," what he actually means is "I've got no money to spend on you!"His Mum and his sister have both told me that his wife had everything she ever asked for but never appreciated it and to be quite honest, it sticks in my throst a little to know that he is now a 'kept man' at my expense.All we seem to do is argue ever since he left and I don't know how to confront him without sounding like a spoilt brat. I told him the other day that all I wanted was a hug and a bunch of flower to say thank you for sorting out a house and the bills and so on, but he just shrugged his shoulders and said he was trying his best and there was no money for flowers.I just want to feel as desired as what he made me feel when we were just having an affair - now he's got me, his focus seems to be on the house that he's just left.Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2006): You should think yourself lucky u r with this man. At least he hasn't left his family (you both broke up) high and dry. My partner left us with nothing but bills - even took the family car and i therefore had no way of getting our daughter to school. I couldn't afford the rent or save enough to move house. Only thanx to my mothers help were we able to move into a much smaller place where we weren't able to take all our things - no swing set etc and on top of that we had to get rid of our much loved dog we had all of my daughters life. She was shattered enough as it was that her father left for some other woman without all the extra distruction of our lives. My ex couldn't care less about our daughter or the other two kids he has to two other women. So just think about it from the other side of the fence - when your barefoot and pregnant your gonna be lucky when he walks out on you too - which he probably will when the "fun" is all over.!! You began this relationship based on deceit - Dont think that you expect any better!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2006): Dear, I am suprised you did not realize this would he would still have this financial committment to his family, when you went into this relationship. You have to remember, YOUR affair with him, was the catalyst in him leaving them, in the first place. You are involved with a man, who's family had a long-standing dependence on him. Is this something that you may have ignored or thought would change over time? And now you and he are at odds over this. This issue is a huge, a major difference in your values. A major factor with this problem is that your bf apparently sees no problem with their dependence and you do. Changing long-term habits and dependencies is difficult, even when the changing person desperately longs for things to be different. But your bf sees no real problem about this issue and has no interest or motivation to make the changes. You are going to need to negotiate a place of comfort for yourself with respect to his family's dependence on him. A place that meets some of both of your needs instead of you alternately giving up or getting mad. Accepting the situation as it is and living within a budget may be an acceptable negotiation. You say you want your man to love and desire you, he needs to feel accepted and appreciated for the way he is conducting his life and taking care of his children. When you learn how to give that to him, you will become a treasure to him, someone he would never, ever want to lose...it's that important to him. So hunker down, hold your tongue and graciously deal with it. Just remember, he's only 'just' separated. His kids just lost their Dad...they are all likely grieving that loss. He's feeling guilt, yes but in time, when the divorce is in place, and all assets are divided up, life will go back to normal. In the meantime, I would be gracious and offer to support him emotionally, through this. Until, his family is through the worst of this, perhaps one can think of other ways to bring cash into the home. A second job, perhaps?
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (7 June 2006):
 Let's go thru your quetsion one step at a time.
Your new partner, who you had an affair with, continues paying for his kids and his (ex) wife. You ahve a problem with this? Can I ask why?
Why should an innocent women and her children be forced to move house or fend for themselves thru no fault of their own? SHE did not have the affair, HE did! And as HE left the family home to pursue a life with you it is only right and good that he continues to pay for his kids and the family home. After all - they are his children!
It drives me nuts that people like you who happily *break up* families then whine and whinge because the individual they have *stolen* then proceeds to continue to do at leats one thing honerably - to continue to support their betrayed spouse and children.
YOU chose to have this affair (yes I know it takes two) knowing this man had children. What did you think would happen once you snatched your man? That they would fade into the background - or did you not look that far ahead.
Stop whining about your BF doing the RIGHT thing and start getting some morals and support him instead of giving him grief. It is only early days for you and obviously he has a lot of guilt to work thru.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2006): I think you would do well to talk to him about your concerns and how you feel neglected of attention from him.
One thing I think you should remember though is that his children may always come first before you. Remember though that he must love you, especially to give up his children to be with you.
Perhaps though he feels guilty for leaving his children and wife, and is trying to buy their love, or forgiveness, through money?
This doesn't make him a bad person though - it's a sign that he is an honourable person.
Hopefully through talking you can sort out your difficulties, good luck!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 June 2006):
 Has he filed for divorce? If not then legally he still has the same financial responsibilites he did before he just moved his clothes out of the house. You on the other hand have have right to say what happens with YOUR money. Until he is divorced you have nothing to say to him about how he spends his money. Take charge of your own finances until his are legally settled.
P.S. "and to be quite honest, it sticks in my throst a little to know that he is now a 'kept man' at my expense" The irony in this phrase of yours is just too much!
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (7 June 2006):
 Maybe it was just that he was after the thrill of an affair ? Now that hes got you its not exciting anymore ? and hes just taking for granted that you are there ? Hes clearly trying to do the right thing about his family, and I can understand that he wants to look out for his kids, but a little appreciation along the way towards you wouldnt go a miss. Perhaps he doesnt really want to be split from his family but feels that hes made his bed now hes got to lie in it, maybe he realise now that maybe he didnt really want to leave his family but thinks he cant do alot to change that apart from to keep his hand in with them by way of supporting them. Maybe he realises that hes made a mistake and that he really wants to be with them and unfortunately you were a distraction from the mundane, now that your here to stay he maybe doesnt feel the same as he did ? Perhaps he doesnt realise that hes putting his former partner before you, this you will maybe need to tell him, whilst you understand you dont want to feel second best all the time and would like some support from him, but hes always going to have connections with his ex because of the children, he is doing what hes doing to make sure they still have a family life and dont forget who their dad is. As far as not putting any money into where you two are is a bit tough hes gotta realise that hes got responsibilites in both camps and that he cant just expect you to support him. You really need to sit him down and tell him that whilst you appreciate that his children are priorty number one, you cant manage to support them as well, and that you need some input from him to help your relationship and your life together along and that hes going to have to decide an amount that he pays towards the house he has just left. By rights it should normally be based on a percentage of what he earns as to what he pays towards his children, or maybe even 50 percent of what they both pay, 100 per cent is a bit harsh but perhaps his ex cant afford the mortgage and he doesnt want the children to suffer so he has to pay it to make sure they have a home. Maybe as time goes on it will lessen once the dust has settled a bit, its all a bit new and he wants to do the right thing, he wants his children to still feel the same about him and not have resentment for him because he left so hes trying to over compensate so as not to lose them. But if after talking to him hes not prepared to put the same effort into your relationship or at least meet you half way you may have to rethink if this is right for you ?
Take care
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2006): I hate to tell you this but tell him to go home and move on with your life. If he was really committed to you, he would be heading off to the lawyers office to file for divorce and have things divided equally among him and his current wife. I understand how your partner feels because I was in a similar situation, but he has to decide who he wants to be committed to.
If this seems a bit harsh, you can always sit him down and show him what your finances are like. Lay it out for him and ask him if wants you guys to sink or swim for the sake of his family. He can be there financially for his family within limits.
Things like this are never cut and dry, but you have to look out for yourself because your partner isn't.
Good luck.
-J
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