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anonymous
writes: Tell me what you think? I am female, 51. My son is 15. My bf, 49(not my son's dad)..we all live together. My bf seems to sabotage any quality time I spend with my son. I finally had to say to heck with my bf's petulance and pouty behaviors and did things with my son anyways. Here is the run down on my son. My son is an honor roll student (high 80's average), who has great friends, is a nice, decent, respectful kid. He never disrespects us, he's always uses common sense, has high ideals and I'm proud to say, a very well rounded kid. My bf acts very resentful of my son and I don't know why? I have talked to my bf about how much it 'hurts' me when he complains about my son. (thankfully, he never says anything mean to my son directly-so my son is none the wiser) The criticisms are always leveled at me, directly. At the beginning of this relationship, I told my bf, that it was absolutely crucial, he accept my son if I was to be a part of his life. He was in total agreement. Now, 2 years later, he is saying he is not a family man and that raising a teen boy is not for him. When he said that, I said nothing..I just opened the front and made a sweeping gesture with my hand letting him know 'he could leave whenever he wanted" I was ticked off but not one word was said. What is the problem with my bf? He a middle aged man for chissake. Is this a case of severe immaturity..controlling...selfishness? Overly possessiveness? ..or does he simply hate kids or..is he trying to sabotage this relationship?? He generally, just politely distances himself from my son though. It hurts to see this...as my son is a quiet, respectable guy and basically just has given up trying to talk to my bf. My son is more mature than my bf..if you can believe that! I guess what I feel badly about, is my son was here before the bf..and the bf tries to make my son feel sooo uncomfortable in his own home. This is crazy. Is it time to show this bf the door, because I think any love I had for this man has been chipped away to nothing, since he began behaving like an ass with me, over my son. Anyone got any good advice? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo true, anon reader...thnak you for your comment and I have never had a problem putting my son ahead of anyone, in my life. But I have always trie to tell my bf that he needs to compromise on that. After all,he is the mature adult here. I carry on doing things with my son in spite of my bf's complaints and rants. But it is stressful for me to endure and I am done with the abuse and BS. If I take my son out practice driving for an hour each evening, I get blasted when I come home. My bf is sneaky though..always careful not to speak this way in front of my son. It's just a matter of time until my bf will be saying disparaging remarks to my son. Frank has said, that my bf likely attacks my son when I am not present. Let me say, I am painfully aware of that. I have never, ever left my son alone at home with my bf...ever! But the point is when I have to think this way and be afraid for my son...it's time...the bf is leaving.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, anon female for your input. My problem is the total opposite of what you are going through. Financially, my bf does not contribute any extras for my son, nor have I ever asked him to. My son's own father and I buy all his clothes,his toys and gadgets, we pay for his school and sports . He never has contributed emotionally and financially and has stated he never will. my bf will do his turn at paying for groceries and then complains at how much my son eats. When I mention this is what teen boys do, he states..."Then you buy all the groceries then. I refuse to buy them!" If we buy ginger ale and my son drinks a glass of it, my bf goes balisitic and comes down on me and says, "that is my pop..tell your son to leave it alone!" You asked if I have time for my bf. Yes...much of my waking hours are spent with my bf, because he is very vocal about having it that way and having his needs met. If I want to include my son in our activities (movies), I get complaining and sulking...from this 49 year old man. You have to understand, my son is 15..he doesn't necessarily want to even hang out with us boring adults. But there are times when he would love to go places with us. Eg: to the beach, picnicing, canoing, boating My teen son spends a good deal of own his time doing studies, listening to his music, being with his friends and enjoying his own hobbies. He most certainly does not impose on our time together. Added to that, my son's father raises him 1/2 the time. (shared custody) So every month, my son is with his father 2 weeks. My bf and I attend concerts together, we do dine out and movies together, we go to social events. But...I love family times where the 3 of us can go and do things together, which is 'always' met with anger and resentment. I only have my son home for 3 more years. Then he graduates and goes onto university. I want them to be happy, valued years for him and all I ever wanted was someone who understands and respects the value of 'family'. He told me he did believe in that...but now has done a complete turnaround. There has to be compromise on everyone's behalf. I think my son has done more of his share of accomodating my bf. We have to also remember.. who is the adult here and who is the youth. what it has come down to, is my bf and I do not share the same values. I am being controlled and forced to choose, and get who the loser will be? I am committed to my son until the day he goes out into the world on his own. After all, I am a Mother and my bf has been given ample opportunites to make the clear adult choice, to be in my corner, accepting and supporting who I am and what my life is all about. He simply doesn't care and I'm done with the BS.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): I'm writing as a stepparent, so hopefully I might be able to give you some insight. When I married a single dad, a friend of ours insisted that we go see a pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor asked us what our plans were for the wedding, the honeymoon, etc. We were going to the local courthouse and we couldn't really afford or schedule a honeymoon. The pastor stopped us and said, "If this was a first marriage, I would insist on how important it was that you remember to make eachother a priority, but since this is a second marriage for one of you, I stress it even harder. Just like any marriage, after the kids are grown and have lives of their owns - you will only have eachother, so it's important to honor and cherish eachother." He continued saying, "Every woman was once a girl who dreams of her wedding; your fiance is willing to part with that fantasy. Remember that while she was not in your life first, that doesn't mean she's placed second."
Unfortunately, the pastor's words really didn't sink in. In my ex-husband's eyes, his stepson couldn't do any wrong. Even after our cat was missing for two days and we found it in an underbed storage container under his son's bed, to which his son shrugged, "Oh, I forgot." We had a baby son of our own, which his son was very envious of. Even when everyone was sure to give him a gift if they brought one for the baby.
As for my lot in our married life, I was placed second constantly, but expected to participate fully. I helped pay for his son's private school tuition, carried him on my insurance, brought/picked him up to school and to all his extracurricular activities, fed him and clothed him and even arranged the visitation and collected the child support from my stepson's mom. Never once a thank you, but instead my ex-husband would scoff if I bought myself anything or if I asked for a "date night" when my ex-husband would spoil his son with the latest toy or gadget and take him to the amusement park on a whim.
I knew that it was over when I planned a family outing for an Easter Egg Hunt, it was very important being that it was the first one for our 3 y.o. This tradition was nothing new for my stepson, but my ex-husband and step-son "forgot" and even with an hour's notice, the two decided to see a movie instead. I knew that I had a thick enough skin, but my son wouldn't be able to cope just yet, once he realized the kind of relationship he would have with his father and half-brother.
You say that your bf tries to sabotage any time that you have with your son, but do you have any time with your bf? Also, you state that the criticisms are leveled at you - do you place your bf second to your son? If so, that's like ranking him like a visiting cousin. His idea of raising a teenager will be different from your experience because he doesn't really get a say in how your son is raised yet it will always affect his lifestyle. My ex-husband insisted that his son go to private school and I had to help pay for it. I don't believe in parochial schooling, but had no say in how his son was raised - yet my financial resources were tapped to fund it. You and your bf never had and never will have a "honeymoon" to celebrate eachother and your commitment - so in everyday interactions, you will have to find small ways to honor and cherish eachother. When your son is grown and gone to make a family on his own, do you want him to learn to focus only on his kids and neglect his wife?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (25 May 2007):
 Kick the bf out of your life. He is not going to change now, and your son comes first. Don't wait until he starts to attack your son, and I think it is highly likely he already does, but your son does not tell you for your sake. I think he uses this as a tactic to keep you feeling you are lucky to be with him. Old manipulation tactic used in the corporate world to keep underlings from competeing for boss's job. -FBK
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