A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, here's a cliche situation. I am an older, married woman with two kids. I have a demanding job and I take on the bulk of the child care responsibilities. I work out abotu 3 times a week. My husband has repeatedly told me that I need to "take better care of myself" (on nice days) which translates to "you are too fat" (on not so nice days). I have successfully dieted in the past, but when I am under a lot of stress (almost all the time), I use food as comfort. I don't get much comfort anywhere else. He is generally a nice guy and is caring and respectful but this one issue rears its head a lot. He is also a busy professional but has amazing willpower and metabolism when it comes to food and his own physique. Besides trying to lose 20 pounds (I am not obese, but about 20 lbs overweight and otherwise healthy and attractive for my age), what should I do or say to him? Do I just deal with the "reminders" or tell him to stick his comments. We have tried him taking care of the kids so I can work out more, but it usually slips back to him working more and me handling the kids. I think my issue is with my food intake, and I have only successfully dieted when I wasn't working at my high stress job--which isn't an option for us right now financially. Suggestions? ANyone out there had this problem and successfully gotten through it? Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Weight should be a personal thing but honestly it is not!
So whether we want to admit it r not we are judged by our appearance. OP I hear you, I am also a comfort eater, that is my excuse. I admit it. I find that bec I do not drink or smoke I believe my other vice can be food. This is the worse thought any one can ever have:whether male or female.
Leaving your sensitivity aside: do u want to be a little healthy? I am sure Yes. So make small changes. Do not make it an issue (like I do when I go on 'diet'). Limit your carb intake or cut it out completely ( I struggle with this but I am trying).
At least u are gyming and that is a plus.
My hb and kids also tell me to lose weight and that is important to them from a health perspective. Yes I also get sad but still persevere. I did lose 16 kg but put on half of this but hubby still loves me with this added weight gain.
If u have been married for a long time, like myself, start making marriage life fun. Date night, dress up, get a haircut, a "new healthier" you but all this can only be achieved through support and love. So plse get baldy man to watch his ways. It is an emotional thin when he puts u down constantly but realise that a slimmer you is one of his 'criteria'. Whether this is right or not this is his reality. Whether he is vain or not he wants u to be more healthy. But it is the manner in which he tells u this. Unfortunately his words are painful and you are hurt by his lack of tact.
Can he/will he change? You know him better.
But start to work on yourself for yourself. U will be amazed at the difference and self confidence.
Also if hubby is working with some sexy tarts then he also wants to feel proud to show u off at his year end function.
Although weight shouldn't matter, it does. Yes we must enjoy being in our own skin but hun, those people still judge us.
So start making minor changes. It works and WHEN you lose the weight then tongue in cheek ask your hb whether he can work on his small *ick. Men hate this(lol)
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Demand that he gets 'plugs' to address his balding head and then add to it a list of personal areas he needs to attend to... his personality, etc... for starters. When and if he takes on these challenges so will you. Some men do not own mirrors.. and even when they do they think they are seeing an adonis looking back at them. Delusional and sad.
Tell him when he meets your criteria, you'll meet his. Until then, it looks like you're stuck with a balding man with issues and he's stuck with a woman 20 pounds overweight.
What I'm getting at here... is that there needs to be a balance of power restored in your marriage. Do not engage him on explaining why you are who you are and have to defend that. His disapproval is probably the cause of the overeating anyway... I'd be willing to guess that this isn't the only area this bullock is insensitive about. I bet there are probably many areas in his relational attitudes in your marriage where he pulls this crap. This is just the one area that hurts the most.
In order for one person to walk all over the other... One of them has to agree to lie down and become the doormat. Is that person you? He tells you to jump and you say 'how high'? He tells you that you are unhealthy... that this is about health... but instead he'd see you living like a candle burning out at both ends... running from family chores to work and then to a gym... running yourself exhausted... Oh yeah. I can see how that is really good for someone. The stress alone coming from your words nearly broke my heart.
He is a jackass. If he operates on the level that you say he does then communicate with him on that level. You belong to you. He belongs to him. If he has reduced your marriage to being the physical idea of perfection... then hold him to his own criteria. No one can take our personal power from us... we have to give it away. Conjure up that athlete spirit and set boundaries of behavior. If poking holes in one another is his 'deal' then serve it up to him in spades.
Bottom line? You are eating because you are sad. Period. Something got you that way. Think about that. Take you back. Remember who you are. Live in YOUR SKIN. Become who you are. Fuck him. Once you regain you back... once you are no longer some rag to be abused... let's see what he does. If you want to really make his head spin... take back your power and BECOME the best you YOU can possibly be in your eyes... and watch him watch you do it... Regain your power. Don't hand it away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): ...and cut out the drink too! Booze leads to the double wammy of weight gain, tiredness and anti-social behaviour - the killer of all relationships. My woman drinks a bottle of wine a day and is overweight and older than me. I barely drink and run half marathons. Some people like to look after themselves. Others let themselves go after having children. Ask yourself honestly - which one are you? No wonder me and my partner have been in separate beds the past 18 months. I feel sorry for our children - all those arguments! Silly to think that if the woman looks after herself, becomes more sexually attractive then the man will stay faithfull, stick around and give the relationship some direction. Women love a man with a plan. He won't plan to stay with a fat woman longterm, well, not at least he has low self-esteem! Harsh but fair.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all the comments and suggestions! [I am actually early 40s--I hit the wrong year when I set up my profile--anyone know how to fix this?]
we have talked about this issue so many times it's become an "agree to disagree" situation. I tried the "well, you are going bald" approach and that backfired--he can't really control that and my weight is certainly within my control, sort of, right?
I actually really like to be active--it's just a matter of finding the time. I was an athlete in college and love being outside and have been a runner ever since college (but have been injured lately so have had to find less enjoyable activities--before you suggest it, I HATE swimming but do try to bike when I have the time and do exercise videos at home).
a part of him has my best interests at heart--he wants me to be healthy--but he also wants to be attracted to his wife, and I feel like he is my husband and swore vows to love me--all of me--not just my 25 year old body.
Thanks again, all. Just gotta chuck the pasta (and peanut M&Ms) and start crunching on carrots and celery, I guess!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): Maybe he should grow up and love you unconditionally.
If a raindrop could represent how much I love you, I would ask the lord to send a storm.
Write him this note on a piece of paper and stick it in his pocket..or, wherever he can find it on his way to work.
I think there needs to be some romance here.. and, the rest, will happen naturally. ~/~
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 I'm more with walkin'dude on this one. You're a busy, stressed professional mother, making an important contribution to your family. He should be more appreciative, and more tactful.
Maybe he doesn't understand how hurtful his comments are. So make sure he knows, and that you've heard quite enough about it. How lucky he is that it's effortless for him to stay trim; he needs to learn some compassion for those for whom it takes more effort.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (18 November 2010):
 I completely disagree with Varania, your comment isn't helpful.
Firstly 20lbs isn't very much overweight, I was 80lbs overweight and have recently lost 20lbs very easily in 2 months.
He should not have told you that you were fat.
Dieting is have been proved that it doesn't work long term.
If you are serious about losing the extra pounds, you need to change your lifestyle.
Get that motivation you need to stop eating those things which you know are bad for you. A chocolate snack here and there is ok, when you know you arn't blowing your calories for the day. However if is this an everyday occurance, you need to stop for your own health!
Communication is important in every relationship; tell him how much this is hurting you. He's a man, how else will he know unless you talk it through?!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): Remind him that you are the mother of his children and he should give you some respect. Either that or casually say you'd like him to have a slightly bigger penis. He may rethink mentioning your weight.
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A
female
reader, Nouvelle32 +, writes (18 November 2010):
I don't know how old you are, but 26-29 I wouldn't say was "older." :)
To be quite honest, I have had this in the past from ex's who ended up leaving... is that the "real" reason why?? I'll never know. I'm actually 5'6 and about 15-20 lbs. overweight... trust me, it sneaks up on ya. Anyway, I feel your pain... my ex could also eat anything he wanted and maintain his body. He would make cookies Tollhouse cookies in the oven and then tell me I couldn't have any.. WTF? Anyway, he had hinted around that I was overweight (even bought me an ipod to work out with... I guess that was another hint I missed).. granted, I'm only a size 6-8, but I was a 2-4 when I met him. I failed to realize that men are visual creatures... I still had a pretty face, but the extra lbs were not that hot, I admit.
I guess what I am trying to say is, that as much as it sucks, get off your butt and do something. I didn't because I was also busy with work & it may have cost me my relationship... Then again, do you really want a guy who doesn't love you with or without the extra weight? That's only something you can decide for yourself... but men are weird creatures...If you love him so much, you don't want to find out he's out screwing someone else because he lost that attraction for you.. It happens, unfortuantely. That's life. Wake up early... get one of those child strollers and take the kiddies with you while you run in the park.
After the ex a-hole left, I got off my lazy butt and went to the gym because being single, you have to!!! ;) Not going to attract another man being 20 lbs. over... there's too much competition out there! Sad, but true.
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A
female
reader, Verania  +, writes (18 November 2010):
Find a negative trait of his and tell him about it all the time. treat him the way he treats you. I'm sure he isn't an ideal man. Respect yourself please. 20lbs is not much for you to be in stress all the time because of your husband's remarks. If he doesn't like you the way you look now, send him very far.... as the saying goes.
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