A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, I've been talking to this guy for 3 months now via text/couple of phone calls.We met during Christmas break, in person and started talking in a friendly/flirty way, by the end of January/beginning of February, things got a little bit more intense and our feelings gradually started to grow, by the end of February, we had determined that we like each other enough to see where things could potentially go between us, and neither of us are interested in talking to or dating other people now.Now, at the beginning of February, we had decided that he would try to come and visit me in my city during the middle of march, preferably after the 15th because he said that's when he was free. We live just over 100 miles away, neither of us drive but the train journey is only about 90 minutes long.Then I left it for one month and when March came around, I asked if he was still coming during the middle of March and he said he'll try to come during the end of March now. So when I asked him why it changed, he told me that he works for his friend 2 days a week (which I already know) and that his friend needs him to accompany him on a small business trip sometime during March, the trip would be in the same country, but would be 150 miles in the opposite direction of where I live.We had a little chat about his visit and he told me that he is 90% sure that he will be able to come in March, he told me that he doesn't want to say 100% and make any promises because he isn't certain about which dates he is free. I respected that he told me the truth and didn't make any promises.Then a couple of weeks ago, I told him that he needs to book a train ticket otherwise the prices will start to increase. He said he doesn't mind paying more, but he still is only 90% sure that he can come in March. And if he isn't able to make it, he will then come sometime during the first couple of weeks of April.It is now the 22nd of March, in a weeks time, March will be over. So my guess is that he won't be coming. He has not mentioned the visit, he only mentions it if I ask about it. He didn't make any promises to me so I can't say that he did. But I'm slightly getting impatient, I have been waiting for a while, we did agree on the middle of march, then he delayed it, and now it seems that he is going to delay it again and I don't want to keep asking. To be honest, it isn't THAT far. He said he will be visiting for 2 days and staying over one night, so he will be coming in the afternoon, spending the day with me, sleeping over, and then leaving the next day in the afternoon. - Again, it's not that long, I'm sure he could find 2 days of his time to see me? He doesn't work full time, he works 2 days with his friend, and the other 5 days hes either doing something else, out with friends/family or just at home. I don't want to be pushy and say "you're free 5 days a week so I'm sure you can find a couple of days to see me" but I feel like he doesn't want to see me as much as I would like to see him. I don't know his schedule/plans for those 5 days a week, so I can't say he's not busy cause he might be.When we do talk, we do discuss seeing each other, eg. "when I see you..." "When we meet up..." but he doesn't actually mention a time. I spoke to him about meet-ups after he visits, because if things were to go well between us I would obviously want to see him again, and he said "Whenever I am free, I will come down to your city obviously, and that way I can stay over for a night as well, or just live there rent free lol" - which made me feel more at ease. I have two places to live, with my parents and I have a flat with my friends, whereas he lives with his parents so I wouldn't be able to stay over at his house, but I do have 2 friends that live in his city, and so I would be able to stay at their houses.But, if he can't find a couple of days to see me now, what makes me think he will be able to find time for me later on down the line? I don't know whether March is just a busy month for him, or if he would be like this all the time.Now, I would offer to go up to his city and visit him, but he has made it clear that he will be visiting me first plus he has never been to my city before so he wants to see it, and because he has said that, I want to see if he truly does make the effort to come down rather than me going up, which is why I haven't mentioned anything about visiting him instead.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (24 March 2013):
 I'm glad you have set a time limit. After that, don't "try" to move on; be resolute that that is what you will do. Yes, try to keep it light between now and then, but I think you'll find that hard. And you won't be fully available to new guys while you're waiting for the first guy to step up.
You've only met him once, spoken by phone a few times ... You won't be losing a great deal in walking away from this because it's mostly been illusions, not flesh and bone interaction.
Your studies come first so please don't let yourself fret about this when your brain energy would be better used elsewhere.
Good luck, OP.
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (23 March 2013):
 I totally understand what you say about not meeting many guys that you connect with and where the attraction is mutual. I am exactly the same and this makes me try to cling on to relationships for as long as possible and put up with things that a lot of people would never put up with because I never know when the next one will come along. I'm not someone who dates around, so the times between partners are lonely and hard from a romantic perspective. So I do understand where you're coming from.However, this guy isn't treating you right. You seem to really like him and want to see him. He is making no move to come and see you, only more excuses not to. The only way long distance relationships can work is if both parties are committed and make a daily effort to communicate and to see each other as often as possible. You and he are not on the same wavelength here. You have to decide what to do here. I wouldn't tell him you'll come up and visit him. You are doing all the running and he is being lazy. If you keep giving him deadlines and ultimatums but then say that if he doesn't come by a certain date you will go to him, he will see it as you being desperate to see him and he will take advantage of that. He is treating you with a lack of respect and you are letting him.I'm not saying that if you finish things with him you will magically find someone else after a week. I know it doesn't work that way for everyone. But at least you won't be waiting to hear from him, waiting for him to make a decision about when he's going to come because he might not come at all. If you know that it's over, yes it's disappointing and painful and lonely, but you remove a source of stress and you take control of the situation. You deserve better than someone who never tries to see you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHiya,I think I need to just distance myself from now on.I didn't fully accept what he told me last night, and I don't want to be emotionally tied to somebody that I haven't spent proper time with, so I need to pull my feelings back and just keep it light. I would say I'd keep my "options open", but generally, I have never been the type to meet someone that I am interested in who is interested in me, it's very rare for me. The last date I had was over a year ago, so in that sense, I don't think I'd be meeting anybody new, but I will keep my options open regardless and won't focus all my energy on this guy.I've given myself a time limit in my own head, but have not told him.From now, I'm going to stop asking, if he doesn't mention anything about meeting by 15th April, I'm going to draw back completely and try and end it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 March 2013):
 Ok well the thing is if he keeps disappearing and you are the one doing all the work to make the relationship work, then it's one sided.
A man interested will want to see you no matter what..
now he's making excuses... and you're doing all the work... planning the dates and when those don't work (him coming to you) then you offer to go to him....
if you make it work based on this you will always be the one doing the rowing....
you are not that far apart and excuses to not meet up get old fast.... they would for me and if I wanted a real relationship I'd be going "NEXT"
it's one thing to give them time... but when it comes down to second guessing yourself and wondering what else you could do to move it along... then it's time to bail...
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey agony aunts, I took on all of your advice, and I decided that I should say something to him before acting irrationally.
We had a conversation for nearly 2 hours about him not visiting. He explained his reasoning for this, why he can't come in March, and I ended up just saying that if he still doesn't come by the 2nd week of April, then I will try to go up to his city during the middle/end of April. However, I might have exams, so I will have to wait until my exam timetable is released before I can make any decisions. If I can't go up, I will just have to wait until they are finished before I see him, as my education definitely comes first.
Thank you all for your help. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo_very_confused, this is the same guy I inboxed you about the other day. He has this phases where he will just go into his "shell" and not really communicate for a few days, today is one of those days. I was hoping that on his visit I could discuss a visiting schedule with him, and see how often we could meet, etc.
Daisy_daisy, how do you think I could go about asking him this and setting an ultimatum. We have not spoken all day so I don't want to just nag him about his visit as soon as I say hello to him. But, I'm trying to think of a subtle way to word it.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (22 March 2013):
He is wasting your time and I think you know deep down that he's not going to come. By waiting for him like this you are not being fair to yourself. You're emotionally tied to him and you might miss out on meeting someone else just because you are thinking about this other guy. He is making no effort at all, just excuses not to come. If he felt the same about you he would be making a lot of effort. Like you say, he works two days a week so he doesn't really have an excuse. The business trip could be a lie, who knows? Don't wait around to see if he will make the effort. Stop contacting him completely. I don't think you even owe him an explanation but if you want, just tell him you're sorry but it's not working for you and so you should both move on. This might actually boost your confidence, because you will be making a choice for yourself rather than waiting to be strung along and dumped. Surely you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (22 March 2013):
It sounds like he's more comfortable having a fantasy relationship than a real life one - I know you've met in real life, but since then it's been virtual.
You are being quite passive about all this. If you said to him, "I am free this weekend and would love to come and visit you", how do you think he'd react? Look, he can visit your city any time, so that's no excuse. And why is it up to him who visits who first?
I think you should set some sort of ultimatum or acceptable time for him to get his act together (like the first week of April) and then prepare to move on. There is no point wasting your time for this guy, especially since you barely know one another.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 March 2013):
LET HIM GO
he's not that into you
IF he really was interested he'd be there.
My hubby and I lived 100 miles apart while dating
we saw each other every weekend once we were serious which took about two months of weekend visits. We both were working full time and running homes.
I saw him once in december
twice in january
twice in february
3 times in march
and by april it was every weekend
by may it was 3 nights a week... LOTS OF COMMUTING)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe both like each other, and we have both decided that if things go well after his visit, we will attempt to exclusively date each other and see how things progress.He's nearly 22.
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