A
female
age
41-50,
*ustBreathe
writes:Hi.I've been married for just under 2 months, been with him 5 years. We're both 25. Lived together for 3 years.In the past 2 years, our sex life has diminished drastically. Mind you, in the past two years, he's been in University doing a very intensive program, and for the past year, working in a completely unrelated field for a minimum wage salary and he hates it. He's vocal about hating it and it has effected him both emotionally and sexually he has said. I get that, I understand that.When we first got together, it was passionate, it was hot, it was up all night and sleeping til noon, then going at it again. But it's so different now. We have sex maybe twice or three times weekly (I initiate at least 2/3 times). Sex lasts at most 7 minutes. And I'm usually dry when we first start, but have no problem getting wet once we're into it. No foreplay. No kissing (I'll get to that in a moment though). No petting. Nothing. It's a "go to the bedroom, I'll take off my pants and you take off yours and now we're on the bed" kinda thing. Vanilla. It's really depressing. My self esteem is next to nothing. The image I have of myself is pretty good. I work in a lingerie store part time so I have quite a selection of goods that make me look fabu. I had toys up until this past weekend when I lost my cool and threw everything out in a crying fit of frustration and confusion. My full time job is in a booming industry in a very corporate setting. I sometimes think he is jealous that I'm the successful one.We have tried being kinky and other kinds of sex and I love it! I have loved everything we have tried! He just for whatever reason cannot seem to find it in himself to express any feeling on what he wants to do sexually and says the vanilla sex we have is fine with him. I don't ever want sex with me described as "fine"! I didn't throw my back out by being just "fine" in bed! I want so much more! I've told him to tie me up, slap my ass, choke me, toss me around like a rag doll. I've told him I'll wear a strap on, tie him down, blow him til the effing cows come home.He cheated on me a few months before we got engaged and technically we were still broken up when he proposed to me. He cheated on me with some guy he picked up off the internet. Apparently, this random guy came over, and tried to blow him. He said he didn't get hard (so he says) and the random left within about 10 minutes. I was away on a business trip.Prior to that, he was watching porn every day - mainly tranny/shemale porn, but some heterosexual (regular non-kinky) stuff as well. He hid this from me for 3 years. I love porn and I love getting off to porn, but I have a real problem with the kinda porn he was watching.On our honeymoon, we went at it like a couple of high school kids... in the ocean, on the balcony over looking the ocean, on the huge bed, beside the huge bed...everywhere. Then we came back and it was as though everything was back to how it's been for the past few years. If anything, I've lost weight over the years and I keep my hair colour at the colour he loves it at. I fit a 36D and am a curvy size 10-12. I get hit on at bars and at clubs so I know I'm at least easy on the eyes on top of my out going personality.When we're in bed to go to sleep, we cuddle maybe once a week, but I'm usually the one holding him. If he's holding me, it's for maybe 2 minutes then he rolls over and goes to sleep - it hurts his arm or so he says. He doesn't touch me. And when he does, it's not intimate. It's more of a "I'm just gunna put my arm here now" thing. He used to pull me close and kiss the back of my neck. Now he just flops an arm on me.He tells me and texts me every day multiple times that he loves me and sends me sweet notes, but he really doesn't show it.I have tried talking to him about this for years, we were in therapy during our engagement (we were there for his addiction to pornography). I've begged him to be more sexual and more passionate. It will last for about 5 days then BOOM - back to the same old routine.I'm beginning to think we married each other for the wrong reasons. I think it was at the point of "well, we've been together 5 years, shit or get off the pot" so we got married. Now, I don't even know what to think. I am so confused and hurt and worried and upset over this whole fiasco. I am just so tired saying the same thing over and over again. I am tired of listening to the neighbours having hot sex and wishing it could be me. I am tired of him making me feel like I am unattractive and not worthy of hot, mind blowing sex.I have enough money where I could start fresh and make it on my own with the salary I earn - I just don't know what to do!I want sex that lasts for hours upon hours. I want to be kissed like I deserve to be kissed. I want to feel passion. I want to feel like I am the only person in the world who matters to him. I want to be the one bragging about how amazing my sex life is!I get pecks instead of a few second long kisses. I get half-assed hugs. I get no real eye contact from him. I feel useless. I have told him all of this so many times - at least twice per month we have a conversation about my needs and what I need from him as a husband, as a partner. I do not believe in an open marriage, but at this point I am thinking that when I hit my sexual peak, it's going to be open season for me even though cheating for me is a complete deal breaker.Just now, we were laying in bed watching a movie and I leaned over to him (we were both laying facing each other on our sides watching the TV) and I kissed him the way I want to be kissed. We kissed for about 25 seconds and my heart fluttered and I felt like I was kissing with love. He backed away and went back to the movie (it was Robocop... yes, totally bad ass with the blood and all... but still...we own the damn movie). I called him out on it and he just didn't care. He said we kissed long enough. I am now in the living room on a dying lap top frantically trying to type this out before it dies on me.So that leaves me here. After a few google searches on what to do when your husband just isn't physically interested in you and similar titles, I find myself here, asking total strangers for advice. Well random people who don't know me or my husband, what the eff am I supposed to do? I've been married 46 days. Help. I really have no idea what I am doing anymore and what a solution may be.Thanks for your time. I know it was a helluva long read.
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cheated on me, engaged, foreplay, jealous, kissing, money, neighbour, porn, self esteem, sex life, text, the internet, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, JustBreathe +, writes (20 November 2009):
JustBreathe is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of the responses.
I married him because he is my best friend. I am the main provider for us but he paid for most of the wedding.
When I found out about the tranny porn, I left. I flipped out and left. We talked about it endlessly and he was quite open about what he wanted and didn't want. I gave him the option to go and do whatever he wanted for a week after I found out. I left and I stayed in a motel, worked, carried on a "single" life for a week. I had my fun (no sex with anyone, but I made out with 2 people and it just didn't feel right. There was no spark) and he had his. What he did? He stayed in every night and shut himself down. I told him to go be with a transexual or a guy... he just didn't. He said that he had that when he cheated on me and it wasn't for him.
He says the fantasy of being with a tranny is not something he'd ever want to do, but thinks that the porn itself is interesting. He has admitted he is sexually attracted to trannys but would never do anything with one. It's kind of like how I find some women so attractive I think about what it would be like to "scissor" or whatever it's called, but I never would. I identify myself as a heterosexual woman who gets turned on by both men and women.
So maybe I'm no different?
That's why I married him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): So what does *he* want? His tastes in porn and men suggest that he's at least got a gay fantasy life. Have you asked him if that what he wants in real life?Maybe he just wants to be left alone, to get this massively busy period of his life finished? I think I had sex with my wife once in the last six months of my PhD. Equally, I wasn't insane enough to marry her immediately prior to those six months.Maybe he still feels guilt over his affair, feels that he hasn't fully confessed and been forgiven, and so can't bear your intimacy. All made worse by homo v hetro confusion and guilt.Maybe he's simply at his lowest point. Bad job, no money, no time can be incredibly corrosive to the human spirit. It's possible he's simply not coping, held it together knowing how important the wedding was to you, and is now taking as much a breather from life as he can. (Telling him he's sexually deficient may not be helping in this scenario.)Once you know where he is and what he wants, then you two can look for a way ahead.It's always possible that the way ahead involves dumping him. And maybe he knows that, and is stringing you along by being uncommunicative, and that's the basis of some of his guilt-ridden actions. A cynic would wonder if he intends to string you along and then dump you at the end of his studies when you are no longer needed to support him.Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): What to do?Well, if only you had asked this 46 days ago I would have told you not to get married. Marriage (as it has been said) does not fix anything. If anything, it just makes things worse.So okay, you have married him - and for now he seems content. Although you are not. I suggest you stick around for now. You don't want to have a failed marriage under your belt at souch a young age and plus, apart from the porn thing he hasn't really done anything bad like cheat on you. He also tells you he loves you and texts you and write notes. Trust me most women would kill for that. So be grateful for that part of him. Finally, the sex. First of all let me just say that I understand completely where you are coming from . My husband doesnt have sex with me either...and never has done. I had never had sex (although I have done other stuff liek oral) before I met my husband, and whilst we were dating I didn't feel the need to start havign sex. THen on my wedding night, I got all dolled up and waited for him to have sex with me. It never happened. I have been waiting ever since ( almost a year). Everything else about him is fine, but he wont have sex with me. But I care for him and he is a great husband and far better than many, many men out there. Do you deserve great sex? yes you do, and I understand that your self esteem has taken a knocking, especially since he used to be very passionate with you. But for now, just keep being his wife and trying to initiate great sex. He might be going through a rough time and he might snap out of it. WAit for a while, a year maybe two (yes, he is worth it- sometimes people change) but if he is still not satisfying you then leave. Sometimes you have to be patient, and bear with things and give a relationship 100%.That way, when you do walk (if you walk that is) then you can do so without having any regrets. YOu can say that you gave it your all before you gave up. Take care and keep me posted about what happens. I sort of know what you are going though. Take care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (20 November 2009):
Hi sweetie,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. As a woman I understand how hard it is on your esteem when the man you love doesn't want you. But based on what you said in your note, I really don't think it's ABOUT you. Two people can love each other very much, and that can have nothing to do with sex. When it comes to sex though, you said some very telling things. Your man has an addiction to porn, for years, that he HID from you... but honey, it's not heterosexual porn. When he went looking to cheat on you... he didn't cheat with a woman... he cheated with a GUY.
Obviously your husband is very confused about his sexuality... but I am suspecting he's likely gay, or at the least bi -- and neither of you wants to admit this. He may be scared to admit he's gay and deal with all the ramifications that has for his whole life... so he's going to have a girlfriend/wife... he's going to go through the motions of sex in your relationship, but he's not really going to be into it. Not because he doesn't love you or because you aren't a gorgeous, sexy, passionate woman... but because that's not what does it for him.
I don't know what you should do except maybe consider that this is something that's so scary for him he can hardly admit it to himself, much less to you. But I think you need to have some serious conversations with your guy.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (20 November 2009):
 Yes, it is a long read, but I tried to assimilate most of it. An answer to the question you finally ask is difficult. Your dissertation only raises the primary question, which is, "Why did you marry this guy?"
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