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female
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anonymous
writes: I've wrote on here before but here's the general situation. After 3 months of being perfect my bf and I broke up for 2wks because we had each kissed someone else (I had moved away a month prior to this), we were back 2gether for a week, then I visited a guy friend w/o telling my bf til I was coming home and he ignored me for a week again bc he didn't have all his trust back in me yet. We were back 2geth for a week then he just totally quit talking to me for no reason. We were broke up for 2months..basically it was so he could get his life back on track. I was back in his town and we saw each other at the bar and after ignoring me at first he then later text me to meet. I hung out w/him the rest of the night and it was really great. For the next week we saw each other twice and talked just about everyday but it was always me calling him and he never had too much to say but when we'd see each other things were fine. Well I started talking about moving back there again and he said 'don't do it because of me'. There's reasons to go besides him(cheaper rent, don't have to commute to school, my friends, my pt job,) although he's the main reason because I graduate in Dec so then the other stuff doesn't really matter. Well he told me that Friday night but I told him my other reasons and he understood and we ended with I Love you's and talk to you later. I proceeds to ignore me for 3 days and when I text to him to see why he writes back "I don't want you to move. I'm finally happy living MY life, not the one for me. I hate that your so obsessive over me and I am sorry I made you love me so much." The thing is that if I move there he wouldn't have to change a thing..he just started a new job and I'm happy for him, we'd have our own friends and apartment etc. I've only ever stood by his side and tried to support him. Told him I just want to see him happy but that I didnt want him drinking/smoking/working himself to death or just be 'getting by', that he's better than that. I have alot going for me and lots of ppl say to forget about him but I don't know if this is finally the end or if he'll end up coming back to me again in a couple weeks..if I should move there with the biggest pro gone or if moving there would help us? I'm not asking for any commitment from him, i just want to be happy together again and it makes sense to move..but the other things (job/friends) I'll eventually get somewhere else if I don't go..but not him. I even went to a counselor and he says my bf just likes to keep me at a safe distance and then call me when he needs me/feels me slipping away or is drinking. He was never ever like that until we had our first 2wk breakup in July and he was dealing w/other issues at the time too. He really is a good person and we love each other but I just don't know what to do anymore. Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2006): Hey there,
I'm in a very similar space as you. Dave and I still love each other and miss each other. The difficult part for me to accept is that he loves me but not us. And when pressed to define what he means, he grasps at straws. Our issue may be a cultural one, from his mental image of who he craves to be his life partner. I'm Asian, but a very International one. He's Australian and misses home. I know he loves me, he's said so, but the blockage is him. Sadly, we both have immense respect for each other, share similar passions, humour, love for life and values. I can only say, in any relationship, it has to be two. If he's not ready to face up to himself and realize, its not fair to be confused and be with someone. He needs time to think about what you mean to him, if he's willing to lose you. (which in my case he is). Its not easy making that choice when you want someone so much. We don't want to be apart, but we don't know how to be together.
So in summary, be strong. Don't be there for him when he calls you. If he truly wants to be with you, he will realize that he also needs to take care of your needs and not just his.
Resist
I know its so hard to do
Write your journals, go out with your friends, distract yourself, be so busy he wants to make the effort to see you, even when he doesn't need you.
And you know what, you don't need him.
Take care of you, as it seems he doesn't seem to be the one doing the caring...
Don't be confused, just be good to yourself.
hugs and peace
A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (27 October 2006):
 Hi Anon,
I think your ex made it pretty clear that he doesn't want to have a relationship with you. You need to respect his wishes. If I were you, I would back off a bit and not contact him anymore - at least until he contacts you. This is not only to appease him, but so that you don't keep feeling rejected. I can imagine that all of this has made you feel pretty crummy. You don't want to keep opening doors to allow this to happen, do you?
Look, you talked with him and you heard what he had to say. I think it's really time you moved on. Maybe someone else will be happy with what a caring person you seem to be.
And if you do decide to move, make sure it's really for you. You don't want to set yourself up.
Take care.
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